Grieving: The Lowest Point

 My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.

No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….


After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?

My Father's loss

My dad and I on father's day 2011

My blog has been rather silent since we buried my late husband. The days have been lazily passing us by as Fall enfolded in leaves turning colors, cooler weather approaching and days becoming darker. Little did I know we would be coming back to the same beautiful spot at Rose Hills to bury my beloved father, Raul. My 84 year old father passed away on Sept 25 from a massive stroke. We had a very lovely and memorable memorial service on Saturday. It was just as I wanted it to be….shared with family and friends sweet memories of the wonderful man he was.


As my dad had aged over the years and had grown increasingly uncomfortable with his physical health, I knew that time was short. And yet, I always thought we would have one more month everytime I saw him. He was so sharp and intelligent, even to his last day, as evidenced by his completion of a newspaper crossword puzzle.

I feel the loss of my mentor, my wise counselor, almost more than that of my husband. Perhaps it is because with Walter gone, I still had my father to be my “compass”, giving me direction and guidance. And now, I’ve lost both and feel somewhat adrift. The other day, I needed an explanation of “next of kin” in regards to how it is defined. I needed my father to explain to me the legal interpretation of this. We would always have wonderful talks. His intelligence and wisdom was always there for me.

So now, I feel alone and searching for a source of guidance. It causes one to strengthen faith in the Lord. Matthew 28:20 says “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” What comfort this is to me. I have to listen to that inner small voice of His Holy Spirit that dwells in me for guidance and strength.

I can feel all of those grieving thoughts come back to me, just when I thought I was ready to move on. Well perhaps this is a little different. The loss of a parent is different from a loss of a spouse. One you grieve the loss of security and stability and the other in addition to the others, you grieve the loss of romantic love and partnership. And yet….there is still hope on the horizon. There are others in the shape of people there to catch you from falling. Love and comfort is still out there waiting in the wings for when you are ready to accept it.

Part II: Saying Goodbye and Moving On

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent 33+ years loving and experiencing life together. However, this is what happened on July 19th at Rose Hills Memorial Park. It was a warm sunny day. My family and small extended family met to say our goodbyes as we buried Walter’s urn in his final resting place over looking the San Gabriel Valley. The view all around was beautiful. My pastor gave a very comforting service. My three sons and family surrounded me as I tenderly placed the urn in the vault for the final time. It was a very stirring moment. One I will cherish forever.

Loving sons comfort their mother

So officially, this signals the end of mourning right? The past year have been filled with wonderful friendships and yet, there IS something that I feel missing. I miss a man in my life,… a confidant, a someone to feel part of, a best friend with a unique perspective to run things by. I will never lose the love for my husband but perhaps, it is time to move on and to try to find some happiness again. Amazingly, I’ve discovered that it is easier to meet people via the internet, but it is not without dangers and risks. What relationship isn’t? No matter where you meet someone, there is a matter of trust that must be established. I am finding this harder than I thought. Yet, there is also some excitement of getting to know someone who is interested in you.

I am tredding through unknown territory, and it is at times frightening. I pray the Lord will find someone for me that is as good as Walter was. I would feel so blessed to have a person like that. People keep telling me I am still young and beautiful and that I will find someone. Yet, there is always that insecurity hiding within wondering am I really too old. I’m not that spring chick I used to be. Perhaps they will see and appreciate the beauty and experience within and rather than the aging beauty without.

I have also found comfort in knitting again, although my down time is getting rarer as I split my free time between exercising, enjoying music at a local concert, reading, and sitting knitting some slippers for charity. My goal is to knit up all the yarn that I still have, including my handspun yarn. I need some ideas for this that won’t be shrunk in the first wash by an unknowing knitter who does know about wool and hot water. Life is becoming interesting again and perhaps I’ll do some more traveling with friends. It seems I’ve become the “go girl”. I love driving my little Prius around town with my friends to places. The world is open wide for new experiences.

Diana and Granddaughter

Tornado Tragedy and Hope

    I woke up early Monday morning and decided to check my Facebook page before going to work. I noticed some of the chatter coming from my nieces’, living in the Mid-west, seemed to be about finding missing friends. Horrified, I learned about the devastating tornado that wiped out ¾ of the town of Joplin, Missouri. I called my sister-in-law, who lives north of Joplin and was reassured that they were OK but a nephew barely survived, as he worked in the Joplin Walmart that was now mainly rubble. He lost his home and cars, but was safe and reunited with his family. The only one unaccounted for was a great-nephew who lived in a 3-story apartment which was flattened. We learned that he was not home at the time the tornado struck, which was an F5 tornado, one of the strongest deadliest tornados.

Great nephew Jay searches for belonging after tornado destroys his apartment.

 

The only thing found was his late dad's baseball glove, something to treasure.


His story is reported here.

   God is good. We had some stories of hope in this tragedy. One great-niece was to be married this weekend in Joplin. She had her wedding dress in the town Bridal shop. Although the shop was destroyed, there was one lone wedding dress hanging on a hanger. Lo and behold, it was hers. Her story with her fiance as they search for his sister right after the tornado is on video via this link, interviewed by Anderson Cooper of CNN. Be sure to see the video from this link.

    Another great-niece was to be married the week after. She was staying with her parents until the wedding and unfortunately, her parent’s home was destroyed. Nevertheless, she was able to recover all of her wedding stuff. When one goes through an ordeal like this, it makes us ask “Why, God?” “How is one to celebrate happiness when so many are so sad from this type of devastation”. She had thought of cancelling her wedding. However, many reassured her that it would give hope to see a new marriage start in the midst of tragedy. I believe it will strengthen the family bond and God will bless this couple as they go on to commit to one another in love.

     There are so many untold stories that show what the spirit of the heartland is all about. We Americans pull together in times of tragedy. This heartland is well known for its strong faith in God and well anchored Christian values. There is no second thought to acting on God’s commandment to “Love one another”. My niece, who is a Nurse Practicioner, has been volunteering her time working at the a local church performing first aid and helping to meet the needs of those who are now homeless or injured. There are many more volunteers that are unsung heros and have chosen to make a difference in this tragedy. I thank the Lord that he loves us and has put a spirit of love in us. May God always bless us all.

Parenthood

I have been blessed with three wonderful sons. Being a parent has always been a most cherished dream of mine. I have my ancestors to thank for this as each generation has faithfully stressed the importance of “family”. I saw the sacrifices my own excellent parents made to ensure we were educated and cared for and loved and with this as my example, I have tried to perpetuate the same in my own raising of my sons.

How satisfying it is to pass the torch and witness for myself the development of my son’s loving parenthood with his own children. With only the example of his parents and grandparents to emulate, my son has become a wonderful father. I have the special priviledge to witness this in my own home and oh, how it warms my heart to see the special bond my son has with his children. Who else but a father will let his little daughter paint his toenails, while he is caring for them? Who else but a father will tenderly get them ready for bed and read a bedtime story? Who but a father would plan a special day with his daughter to take her miniature golfing or a day with his son to go Jumping and Jamming at the local mall? Who else but a father would sacrifice his own comfort to ensure his child is warm and happy? I know his earthly father, who now watches him from heaven, would have been very proud of him.

When Life Gives you Lemons, make lemonade!

I recall people saying “Live each day the fullest. You never know when you can be crossing the street and get hit by a car!” A few days ago this event became very real to me. I was hit by a car crossing the street….well perhaps bumped by a car backing up while parking is the reality and I was knocked down with a jolt. Perhaps I’m being a little overdramatic. There were no serious injuries, just a few bumps and bruises.


I was about to step up to the curb between two parked cars after crossing the street and suddenly I realized I had been hit and was on the ground. I was stunned and thankful to be able stand on my own after a few minutes. I don’t blame the driver. I suppose I was in her blindside. She was more upset than I was, and I was trying to comfort and reassure her.

Some people are beginning to think I am cursed with bad luck, but this is not so. After losing a husband to cancer, having to share my house with son and his family due to multiple difficulties and now this, it would seem that nothing could be worse. However, in fact, I feel more blessed than ever before.

My husband’s loss has allowed me to reconnect with friends that truly care and provide emotional support. I can never be lonely with such active grandchildren around in the house and the accident…..well… perhaps, it is God reminding me to get enough sleep, be alert and take care of myself. The accident could have been worse and wasn’t. As I was lying on the x-ray table, I couldn’t help but miss Walter and think, “Walter should be here”. However, I was comforted by the fact that my son, whom I work with, was there with me now, even braving coming into the exam room with me to give me the support and assistance. How comforting to know that my children are there for me when I need them.

Moving Day

Hitching a ride on the Moving truck with Dad

With Thanksgiving behind us, our focus turned to moving a son and his family in with me. The troops were called out-my 3 sons and sister-in-law, to help pack, tote and load up the moving truck, borrowed from our local storage place. I was assigned Grandma duty---watching the grandkids, ages 2 & 4 and keeping them out of everyone’s way.

I came to the realization that living with two very active grandchildren will have some challenges. Within the first 30 min of arrival at my house, there were spills and wet clothes, changing of clothes (twice), and facilitation of a peaceful solution to an altercation between the two sibs, that seems to happen with frequency to cause one’s head to spin. Nevertheless, this time, it resulted in a lesson on “forgiveness” and so was worth the effort. I have learned a lot about children over the last 20 years as a Head Start Nurse, having gone back to the workforce after my own 3 sons were passed this challenging age. I will get to put into practice a second time the things I learned.

The one thing that doesn’t quite mesh, is that I don’t seem to have the same amount of energy I did 25 years ago. Who would have thought? My heart goes out to all those lovely, brave grandparents of my age or older, trying to raise their grandchildren for whatever reasons. They are the true heros.

Just in the knick of time, the truck carrying the big furniture arrived and we managed to find places, although temporary, for it all. Everyone was exhausted including the kids!

What do we like about moving day?...........Bedtime!!!!!!

To store or not to store. That is the question!

The clock struck 4:00…then 4:30. “I really need to go home”, I thought to myself. Yet, with a whole week off for Thanksgiving I just had to wrap a few things up at work. Finally, 4:45 p.m. I’m done.


So….you know the thing about best laid plans are…..that they are likely to change, and yes, mine were disrupted and I had to go to a back up plan. All week I have been trying to clean out my house so my son and his family could move in. Both my son and I had to downsize our belongings and I decided to have a yarn (oops Freudian slip there) yard sale. On Wednesday prior, I go to the City Hall to get a permit for my Yard Sale and this is where I first hear that the forecast is for rain this weekend. I check the weather report every day and by Friday at 4:45 there is an 80% chance for rain starting that night.

RAIN!!!!.....Where am I going to put all this stuff for the Yard Sale? For weeks, I have been slowly boxing up stuff ready to sell and now my garage is full, my house is full, I can’t have a yard sale and I am planning to host Thanksgiving for 18 people. I decide to call out the troups…….my sister-in-law and sons. I decided to rent a storage space nearby and they help me load up the yard sale stuff.

One problem…….I still have a lot of stuff, the stuff I planned to keep still in the house and the garage is full. My sister-in-law has a heart-to-heart talk with me. “You are dreaming if you think you are going to find places for this stuff and have enough room for 18 people for Thanksgiving and your son’s family move in”. I guess I really needed a reality check.

Why is it so hard to let go of things? Believe it or not the things I was most protective of was my fiber stash! The wool fleeces, the lbs and lbs of roving, the hand-spun yarn patiently hand spun on my spinning wheel. There was no way I was going to do anything with it all in the next few weeks. I was so protective and feared moth and silverfish infestation, which is the anathema of fiberholics. I previously had a beautiful prize fleece disintegrate into crumbs while being stored in the garage for a few months. I could just imagine those silverfish feasting hungrily on the fleece with regret. So I gathered up a little faith and lots of courage, had the fiber double bagged in plastic, and waved goodbye with a tear in my eye, to the car loaded with my fiber, driving down the street to storage. Later that day, my family and I went to see the new Harry Potter movie and saw ads for a new cable show about Storage Auction. I think to myself, someone is going to be very disappointed if they ever auction my storage……I hope they like fiber!

I grieve that I hardly had time to get used to all the space and freedom I had, after moving all my sons out and then loosing Walter, and now I think I need to start all over again. I can kiss the 31-year accumulation good-bye. I’m back to living in a one-room bedroom. Some have said that the purging is  good for the soul. I’m not sure I see that yet. I feel this is the start of a very difficult series of events and changes I will need to go through. I’m missing my husband. However, I am glad to be having family and friends come together to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I count my blessings and Thank God for a wonderful church family. Today we had the annual Church Homecoming. I sent out an invite and several responded and came. It was so nice to see them again. I really want to stay in touch. Life and time is too precious to waste. I realize I need to make more time to develop friendships.

Falling leaves

I was driving around doing some shopping and I could not help but notice more leaves on the ground and trees in multiple colors. In California, we have a very short changing of the leaves season. I usually do not notice this much as it goes by quickly, but today the evidence of “fall” was all around. The wind was blowing, large piles of red, orange and brown leaves littered the highways and lawns. I was overtaken by all of the color of it. I felt a little pang of regret that I have never been to the east coast to experience their “Changing of the Colors” in fall. Perhaps, someday.

All of this inspired me to get some decorations for Thanksgiving, as I plan to hostess the family dinner at my home this year. So I venture over to Michael’s, my favorite local craft store and my senses explode with the joy of ………………Christmas! There are Christmas decorations everywhere. The first Christmas carols I hear are being played over their intercom. Did I miss Fall? I must have blinked and it passed right by me.

Fortunately, I was able to find some left over Fall decorations in the clearance section. The next store I went, I had a similar experience. Doesn’t anyone celebrate Thanksgiving and fall anymore? How sad for the times? This little holiday is probably the most important one where we should appreciate, and give thanks to the God that blessed us.

Fall is such a quiet reflective time. As the leaves turn and die, falling slowly to the ground, one cannot help but think about our losses. Of course, heavy on my mind is my husband of 33 years. I am missing his presence in my life. He was a quiet man that preferred anonymity and the self-reflective times of listening to audiobooks or watching movies. He never really had any personal desires to go to places but pleasantly accompanied me and was good company in my desired excursions. Of course, some of these excursions, I went solo, but I am glad that this has given me some confidence and independence as I go through my future without him.

I also reflect of the losses of friends and family over the past few years. Some were lost to sudden accidents and some to illnesses. I miss them too, and grieve for their absence in my life and what the future may have been like, if they were alive today. I grieve for friends and family going through tough times economically now. Never before have we Baby Boomers experienced such a “Depression” like era that our parents experienced. It really makes us think about what is important. It gives us something to tell our grandchildren about our struggles that will inspired them to be survivors, just as the stories our grandparents and parents shared with us did.

Nevertheless, when leaves die, seeds are shed to grow new life. Death always brings renewal. My loss has lead me to renew friendships that are becoming very dear to me. I am striving to renew a purpose of servanthood, wherever I am needed, be it calling a friend that needs encouragement, or baking pumpkin bread to share with workmates and family. My days and nights are filled with purpose leaving me very little time to feel sorry for myself. Thank you, God, for this blessing. Isn’t He so great to know what we need and put opportunities out there for us to take on?

Grief work

I have been staring at my blog for the past 15 minutes realizing that I should write something soon. Some may be wondering how I am doing and others may be more interested in knowing what kind of fibery insights I may have to share. I do not have much to tell except that I am doing well.

I feel the pain of my grieving is getting less as I have passed the 3-month mark. There are moments that I miss Walter and I encounter things that trigger tears and sadness of him not being here, but I am learning to accept my situation more and move on.

As I get through the widow’s work of figuring out the paperwork associated with insurance, and financial settlements, I am feeling more confident. I have learned so much in a short period of time about insurance and IRA’s than I care to, but it is necessary to my survival, especially in these low economic times.

My work continues to be all consuming, as I struggle to add more management responsibilities to my all already overwhelming work responsibilities. I suppose I should feel good that my boss feels I am capable of doing the work, regardless of my loss. However, I have had to force myself not to take work home, as I need this time for me and my grief work. It becomes a shaky balance.

In thinking about grief, I realize we ALL do some kind of grieving in our lives. Everytime we have a disappointment or a loss of some kind whether it be personal, physical, relational or an object, some part of us not only feels sad, but it can cause a little part of us to die with it. Some of it can be resurrected and healed and others cannot. This means it is all part of the cycle of life and we should not hide from it but face it head on. When we do this, it may help us get through it quicker.

So my overall objective is to find “Joy” in life. Even our trials can be considered joyful. How? You might ask? Last Sunday, our teacher/pastor mentioned a Bible scripture, “Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever, you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4”. What a profound thought!

On the fibery front, I am getting ready to sort out my very large fiber collection and get rid of some of it. I must make room for my son and his family to move in, and I grieve the loss of my fiber storage places in our two spare bedroom. Nevertheless, it must happen and I will need to be selective as to what to keep for my projects. I am still working on my Friendship shawl from the fall issue of Spin-Off Magazine. My goal is to finish by Christmas.

With the holidays around the corner, I am looking forward to them. I love to have family around. Holidays are the times everyone comes home to rest and relax. I want to keep that tradition as long as possible and hope that it will continue to renew our peace and love for each other.

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down (A Carpenter song)

The weather has changed to fall. Days are cooler, the sun sets earlier and rises later. I suppose some feelings of melancholy are inevitable. Soon it will be three months since Walter passed. I am missing him more each day. The rainy days seem so much more lonely and quiet. The thunder fills the house with empty echos. I curl up and cuddle up to a pillow instead of him. However, God has planned a change.

My son and his family with my two very active grandchildren will be moving in with me for awhile. There are a lot of reasons for this and it seems like this is the best solution for everyone concerned. Still, it will be an adjustment. I will be giving up my quiet and solitude. It will be harder to have privacy and quiet. I will need to find a place of sanctuary within my home. This is a place I can retreat to find my inner peace and listen to God and knit away my thoughts and dreams.

Much has to be done to get ready to have five more people living in the home. I will have to buckle down and get rid of the lifetime of accumulated things. I have saved them, hoping to have them useful someday. I’ve come to a point in my life that “someday” is now past. The things have outlived their usefulness and now these things are just in the way. With Walter’s death, it has become very enlightening to me that you can’t take these “things” with you when you die, so why am I keeping them? Yes, some things are still sentimental and I keep a few because they hold a special memory tied to them. So…..I will be passing some of those “things” around…..some to those who have their own memories to keep and remember, and to those who will make new memories of the “things”.

My new focus will be people and relationships, not “things”. God will provide what I need. He always has. This focus was not easy before, as Walter was somewhat anti-social, but God has given me a second chance to “serve mankind”. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet and I must not give up hope. I still can do some service in this world, whether it be in my work, in my friendships or in any other encounter. I am sure God will lead me to the opportunities to minister to people and in this process, I will find a healing from my grief. I have always felt better to be needed and feel an increased self-esteem if I can fill a need.

So as I contemplate the “rainy days and Mondays”, I have hope that after the rain, there will always come the sunshine, and I will be on “the top of world” (a Carpenter song) looking, not down as a God would, but “over” as a helping partner. This is my dream. Is it too much to ask for?

Caregiving: When the going gets tough…..

This has been a hard week. Stress at work, working 8-9 hr days, under a new leadership style, stress with the ups and downs of dealing with W's nausea, lack of appetite and low blood counts, the stress of not knowing when “engraphment” will take place, or if it will ever take place. And then, when you have time for yourself, you keep giving… trying to support other family members with their health needs, and trying to cope with the stress of handling the house alone. It takes its toll on a person.

This week has left me weak and exhausted. In attempts to gain some control of my life, I have decided to take life slower and say no to over ambitious plans to clean my house. I was reading a pamphlet I was sent called “Caregiver Guide for Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Transplant” by National Bone Marrow Transplant LINK. It says “Caregivers experience the same, if not more, distress than the survivors themselves and are usually less likely than survivors to get the help they need”. How true this is! I ask myself, “Who has the time?” It’s not like you can check out of everything.

Well,…maybe you can, but this is not an option for me. As one takes on all of this responsibility, including the superhuman emotional strength to try to keep W’s spirits up, no one realizes, including the caregiver, that this awful sick feeling deep inside making one weepy could be “depression”, which is difficult to control and climb out of. Any little thing can make the world so overwhelming to cope with. It’s like falling into a deep empty hole in the ground without a ladder. Perhaps it’s time to go back to the Prozac……..

Can it get any worse? Apparently, it can, but I’m not ready to share that yet. The worst of my nightmares is about to come true. It’s like an episode of the old TV series, West Wing, where President Bartlett, makes up a terrorist scenario to scare his daughter into taking her Secret Service protection seriously and it actually comes true a season later. I predicted a scenario for one of my sons, and I fear if things don’t change drastically, it is likely to come true. The results of making wrong choices. Is it dejavu or premonition?

So I reach into my coping bag, full of “detachment”, “denial”, “anger”, “hysterics”, “lethargy”, “heart-sickness”, “meet a friend”, “going to a movie”, “buy something”, “binge eating”, “prayer”, “isolation”, “courage”, “crying”, “helplessness”, “sleep”, “mutism”, “suffering in silence”, and what do I pull out…….?

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

T minus 1 day before transplant

W. has been passing the days quite happily watching videos, listening to audiobooks, eating what he wants. These are all his favorite things to do. For him this is a little bit of heaven. Yesterday was the first day, since starting his daily conditioning chemo that he has felt any different. He is getting more fatigued and feeling like he is dragging his body around. Yet, he is still able to converse and joke around, albeit between very long napping. Today is the Total Body Radiation day, where he gets a relatively lower dose of radiation to kill the cancer cells, ready for the infusion of stem cells tomorrow.

This is considered Day 0 of the Stem Cell Transplant. Every day after is like a new life, a birthday! The nurses tell us that the doctors start counting these days to track how likely the transplant will be a success. The magic number is 100. If the patient reaches this without any complications, it is more likely to continue a success. So this is the time to pray, pray, pray.

I have been trying to put in some time at work, while W. is in the hospital. This fills my day as I haven’t had a lot of time to think about what’s next. Our sons have been visiting and keep in touch with whats going on. I am surrounded by caring people who ask how things are going. I am very blessed. I know it is God who is arranging for these people to pop in to give me encouragement. I seem to be running into old friends in the grocery store who I haven’t seen in awhile, as well. Perhaps God felt I needed some uplifting. He was right and I enjoyed the encounters greatly.

The Tornado of Life

W. and I have been caught up in a whirlwind of activity these past few weeks. There has been the medical tests, pulmonary, heart, blood, bone marrow, multiple lab tests, to see if W.s body can handle this very intensive procedure and recovery after a stem cell transplant. There are multiple doctor consults, and education classes to attend. A lot of the time is spend in waiting rooms. I fear I have gained weight by just sitting too much. What a drag.


This procedure is very important. It is a BIG DEAL! This might be W’s only chance at a stem cell transplant and a longer life span. We are jumping through every hoop we can to make this happen.

There is also some sense of finality about this. Although the hope is there for a future, it has some big risks associated with it. The worst case scenario is that Walter will not come home. We have spoken about this possibility and I think we are both somewhat at peace with this and we are both in a mode of sharing every moment possible getting the house ready. For what I know not. We know God is in control and we trust him for whatever he wants for us. I think Walter is trying to squeeze every ounce of strength and energy out of his body and do something with it, knowing that he is likely going to have to rebuild his strength again from scratch after the transplant. I have finally allowed W. to drive again, regaining some sense of independence, he has craved since last January.


The other day, I shared with Walter that I did not have a desk or room for myself. My stuff, i.e fiber and yarn stuff, is spread throughout the house. Now, we have two extra rooms and so he decided we should each get one for our “stuff”. So we have been moving furniture and sorting through our collection of stuff, paring it down and organizing.

Since we were blessed with a tax refund this year, the first in many years, we decided to finally replace our garage and front doors. So in the one week we have left together before he enters the hospital for his transplant, we have been trying to get all this done.

Doing all of this is very therapeutic for our emotional health. It helps distract us from our hidden fears. It helps us be productive and prepare for the future whatever it might be. It gives us a sense of living life to the fullest, a sense of normality, when over the past year it has been anything but normal. God has been good to us. It almost feels like the week before our wedding. All the planning is done. You know your life is about to change dramatically, and you are trying to stay in control of your emotions, your fears, your hopes and dreams for the future.

Are we there yet? …….No!

I am feeling quite blessed that W. is doing so well. His flaky skin has cleared. It looks soft and smooth as a baby’s skin. A sure fire confirmation that something is going well is that he is growing hair on his body again. W. is looking very human again.

He is getting stronger and able to do more activity, but must still watch himself. He wants so much to resume all of his pre-cancer activities, he forgets that he is not completely whole, yet. His independence has allowed me to go to work for a few hours, however, I have a new worry to think about, W’s stubborness. The other day, we talked about putting together a corner desk our son has abandoned in the garage in pieces, as he moved to his new home. This would make an excellent workspace for W. to start to do things he used to enjoy like model building. He purchased a Skill level 2 model of a Clipper Ship that he spied at a hobby shop. He was anxious to get started. He is moving around better but his strength and stability are not 100%. I cautioned him not to move the heavy desktop part without help. It had taken the two of us, my son and I, to move it to the garage and weighed at least 40+ lbs.

One day, as I left him to attend a work meeting for a few hours, he decided he couldn’t wait any longer. He moved the small pieces of the desk into the house. Mr. Genius thought if he could put the heavy desk top on a rolling dolly, he could roll it into the house. Well, he thought wrong and has lived to regret it. The desk top slipped, sliding down his shins and scrapped them up. By the time I drove up, saw the dolly and the desktop moved from its place, I was horrified to think what had happened. As a rushed in, he was calmly sitting on the recliner with his legs up, looking as calm as could be. He was sitting as proud as a peacock of taking care of his leg wounds all by himself, which extended on both legs from his knees to his ankles. I wanted to wring his neck! I couldn’t help but smile at his resourcefulness, but also was disappointed to have a long ordeal of healing his open wounds without getting an infection, which could be potentially devastating.

It didn’t stop there. He wants to drive again. He wants his independence back. I guess I should be grateful he is wanting to be more independent, but this can be dangerous. The other day, I was baking cookies for a Dr. Seuss event at my preschool. The oven was on, cookies were baking, my arms up to my elbows were covered in flour and sugar sprinkles. Suddenly, W. announced that he wanted to drive to Home Depot to get some screws for his desk. Over the past few weeks, he has started carrying his car keys in his pocket. The light in my head started to go on. I am realizing that the desktop fell on the wrong part of him. If it had dropped on his head, perhaps it would have knocked some sense in him.

I asked if he could wait until I finished my cookies baking. He could not. My whole being was panicked. We were unsure W’s legs were strong enough to brake. He had been exercising his legs and they were stronger but I wanted to make sure I was with him if his strength suddenly failed, at least on the first time. Well, as I was trying to convince him to wait, lo and behold, his guardian angel brought our son walking through the door just then, and I asked him to go with him just in case he needed rescuing. As W. got into the driver’s seat, God made it clear to him he was not ready as he tried to step on the brake pedal to start the Prius. He couldn’t lift his leg high enough to do this simple move. Thank God for small interventions. Lord, help me to prevent him from killing himself……or I may kill him first! ;)

A Hard Week and A New Purpose for the New Year.

I finally received my computer repaired. The keys now work just fine. Lately, I haven’t had much time for anything and this has been the worst week of my life. My husband fainted in my arms as I helped him to the bathroom on New Year’s night and was gravely ill with heart failure and the severe complications that can result from this. He’s been in ICU since and as of today I can say his condition is upgraded to guarded. I’m just living day to day trusting God to keep me and my husband going. I’ve been sitting by his side daily, trying to help the nurses and communicating with the doctors as they treat him.

Taken on Christmas Day 2009

Yesterday was a deep sigh of relief as he seems to be awakening and able to answer questions by nodding in his weakened state, despite the tube in his mouth helping him breathe. I thank God for granting this to me. However, he is still not out of the woods yet.



All of this happened at the same time as my two sons bought a home and moved. It will not be easy for me adjusting to the change, but I know God will help me through it. He has always given me a purpose. Perhaps, this purpose is now to take care of my husband full time.

This has been the most challenging time of my life, and I thought raising 3 sons was the challenge. It’s like I’ve stepped into a new purpose. As my last son launches himself on a life of independence, I was beginning to question what next? I’m proud of all my sons and the good independent lives they are leading. I do not worry too much about them. I feel my husband and I have done well in raising them.



I’ve been thinking about how I can knit down my stash of the Acrylic yarn. I love listening to CogKnitive podcast. They are starting a Knit Along for the Mother Bear Project that knits bears for South African children who have HIV. There is a myth that adults with HIV can be cured by having sex with virgins. Many children have contracted HIV in this way, along with the emotional devastation that comes from being raped and loosing ones parents to AIDS. A teddy bear becomes a small comfort for these traumatized children. This would be a great project to start. I’ve made one bear but still have to embroider the face features. My next bear will be a ballerina bear.

So…as I sit by my husband’s side in ICU, I knit not only for my own comfort and peace, but with the hope that as I sit attending my husband, a child somewhere in the world can also be comforted with the bear I make for them.

Christmas Anticipation

As Christmas gets closer this person must reflect on the life situation and think that this Christmas is very different! Of course, there’s my husband’s weakened condition. He used to be able to put up our outside Christmas lights. Now, we have to figure it out ourselves. We’re still looking for the outlets to plug the manger display into. Only two more days to go……Perhaps the neighbors won’t notice the unlit lights and admire the manger scene during the day. The beautiful angel that hung above the manger last year with her trumpet will have to shine during the day hours.

Christmas shopping is not very fun or thoughtful this year. Gift cards seem to be the easy thing to do. Thank goodness for the variety of gift cards available at the one-stop grocery store. I cannot imagine having the time to go from place to place to get gift cards. My time has been spent shuffling my husband from Dr to Dr and treatment to treatment, caring for him at home, and working to make up some missed time off, etc. His energy level is non-existent and this is not a cheery time for him.

We decided it would be too difficult for him to travel to other people’s houses for Christmas, so this year we are having a small breakfast with just the single sons’ and sister-in-law, and a few family over for Christmas dinner. My sister-in-law and son’s have been helping me clean house and get ready.

As a double whammy, my two youngest single sons’ are starting to pack up their stuff to move into their own home. That is, once escrow closes. We are crossing our fingers for Dec. 24. I am starting to have that tug of heart as my youngest son leaves the nest. We will truly be “empty nesters” when that happens. I know it is an important right of passage that all parents raise their children to become…..independent, self-supporting, responsible human beings making a life for themselves. I feel somewhat mollified that I will be able to see my youngest son every day, as we work together.

As this grieving process is initiated, I find myself barely able to think about a whole spare bedroom to put my fiber/yarn collection into. Suddenly my house is become too big for us. I'm sure I am the envy of every fiberholic out there.

Nevertheless, God has been good. He has brought us through another year. I have a lot to be thankful for. I feel blessed each day. God gives me a ray of sunshine to reflect of the goodness he brings to me and my family. It is the little things that are the best…..my husband pain-free, my son’s wisdom at work, my grandchild’s smile, a kind word of encouragement from friends and family. I am blessed.

Blessings of Family

There are moments in life when sudden unexpected events in life causes one to stop and reorganize priorities in life to Thank God for his blessings of Family.

Upon arriving home from work, I received a call from my son’s partner the weekend before Thanksgiving. She was taking her mother to the hospital and asked if I could help my son take care of his 3-month old son and 2-year old daughter. He had not taken care of both alone. I immediately went to their home but in the back of my mind, I was thinking whether I should cancel all the Thanksgiving plans I had made. This year, my work was given the delightful surprise of being allowed to take the full Thanksgiving week off. I had planned a full week of cooking and decorating to celebrate this Thanksgiving at my house with my family.

It was beginning to look like I would be spending my preparation days, babysitting as the other grandmother continued to be hospitalized and then convalesced at home, unable to take care of the grandchildren, which was her usual arrangement. As I contemplated how I would prepare for Thanksgiving, arriving home exhausted from 12 hr days with my active grandchildren, I started receiving calls. I was getting offers from the invitees to bring the turkey and all the fixings. My husband and son pitched in to help clean the house while I was gone. Little by little it all came together so that we all celebrated a wonderful Thanksgiving together. It really brought the true meaning of being in a “family” home to us all.

On those exhausting days, I didn’t have the energy to even pick up the knitting needles. However, I found that spinning helped me relax and think about the days activities. I loved being with my grandchildren. It brought back precious memories of raising my boys. My two oldest were about the same age difference. I remember the days of exhaustion juggling feedings, diaperings and entertaining an active two-yr-old.

As I was spinning, it gave me time to think and my thoughts wandered to how best to use my spun yarn. With so many projects started, I strayed away from starting another involved project and toward making simple Charity hats from my handspun yarn. As Christmas is near, I picked a soft red and green Romney wool yarn I dyed two summers ago. I decided to experiment with a basket stitch but gave it up when I saw how this yarn was a nice self-striping yarn. These are some of the results…..

Another hat I started was Jared Flood’s Koohaas Hat. I found a skein of handspun grey merino and decided to figure this pattern out. Lo and behold, I realized that he wrote this pattern for my style of knitting (Eastern Uncrossed), which is “through the back loop”. The single cables make it go slow, but once the pattern is established, the knitting progressed at a steady pace. I think I’ll offer it to my son, who is traveling to The White House to sing for the Holidays with his choral group. The weather will be chilly and the warm hat may help.

Coping and More Family Loss

Regardless of the turmoil in my heart surrounding my great aunt’s passing, I didn’t have much of a chance to grieve.

My brother-in law and sister-in-law were traveling to California from Missouri and they were to stay with us for the weekend. It was very nice to see them. We rarely get to see each other, since my husband refuses to travel in that direction of the country. As my brother-in-law now is retired, they now have a chance to visit family at their leisure. How lucky they are! Sigh! They were able to see all of three sons and the grandchildren too.
I think they enjoyed being here. We are a very quiet family and after visiting relatives with young children, I think they needed some quiet to rest and relax.

I was so thrilled to see my sister-in-law loves to crochet afghans. She asked my help to start a new pattern. Her afghan has inspired me to start one too. I looked through different patterns until I came across the Catherine’s wheel. It is a very intriguing pattern one can make solid or change colors in patterns anyway you want. I was intrigued and looked through my stash until I found some worsted colors that would go together perfectly. I am using a 3-ply variegated cotton and blue, grey and maroon color of Caron’s Simply Soft. I am making a twin size coverlet. So far it looks great…..take a look…..

When I get bored, I challenged myself to try to make a jester hat from an article in the Magazine “Knit It 2002”. The hat was designed by Linda Cyr called ZigZag Accessories. Of course, I tried looking it up in Ravelry first to see if anyone else had attempted it. There were very few and one made a comment that the directions were not very understandable . Her outcome was not the best.

Nevertheless, despite the warning I tried to made sense of the pattern. I doubled the worsted yarn since I didn’t have bulky in a color I liked. I restarted twice but finally did the top piece. I started the side and realized Linda left out an important part of the pattern. I even tried to look up errata from the publisher to no avail. I became so frustrated and impatient I quit. I realized that there had to be a better way to make this. Her directions called for sewing the bottom half of the diamond to the side of the hat, but I’m sure that doing this part in “intarsia “ would probably be much easier and perhaps better constructed. I gave up for now. Perhaps, I’ll come back to it when I’m feeling more experimental and patient.

I finally knit a furry hat instead with Patons Cha Cha that I had hanging around. I am being so good in trying to use my stash. I even gave some away to my sister –in-law. Isn't that great?! Now I have someone with whom I can unload my unused stash.

I guess the respite from overwhelming emotion was not to last. I just had some more bad news. My niece’s husband passed away very suddenly at age 44 from a pulmonary embolism. This indeed is tragic. He was just a good father, husband and all around good Christian person. I know the Lord has His reasons, but it is still a hard pill to swallow.

Tragic Circumstances

Twenty plus days have gone by and I have not blogged. I think I’m stuck, caught up in the mundane disappointments of life trying to understand how people can treat others they don’t know with unkindness and disrespect. How quickly people make bad judgments and almost certainly(I hope), if one has a conscience, regret the actions, when one takes time to think how an evil slanderous tongue can destroy much.

I mentioned a shadow hanging over our celebration in the previous entry. My mother’s 87 yr old aunt was invited to attend the celebration. She was not at the prearranged site to bring her to our celebration. She was a widow living with another person whom she rented a room in her home. She did not return our calls, and we worried. It was unlike her to forget an engagement, especially a family celebration. Later that week, we were informed she was in the hospital in a coma, having fallen down the stairs two days before the birthday dinner. It was worse than we thought. She had broken her neck at C2 spine and had been on life support for over a week without notification, and the doctor’s were considering termination of life support.

When a family grieves, one goes through the stages of grieving: shock, blaming, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance. Things could have gone more smoothly and peacefully, but emotions cause some family to want to find blame for what happened. Many accusations, misspent anger and non-communication, failure to be objective and lack of level headedness has caused such pain all around.

I pray for peace and forgiveness all around. She was allowed to pass on Sunday, Oct 5, and we have yet to find closure in a funeral. There is to be an autopsy, although I see this as a worthless endeavor. Some are searching for the magic bullet, the piece that could validate supposed accusations of a relationship that none really understood and were not privy too.

I only see disappointment in unwise elders, who intend to think the worse of an accident they had no control over. I see the revelation and damage done from a wicked heart that is evidenced by a unrepenting slanderous tongue.

I pray for peace and forgivenss in my extended family.