Saturday, September 1, 2012

Search for Inner Peace

As I travel through this tunnel of grief from my recent and not so recent losses, little did I know that it would feel this way. I have looked from afar at others who are grieving, and somehow I was oblivious to the internal sorrow and pain of memories one experiences….until now. I am reading all the grief books. I am forcing myself to be among people to support me and keep connected. I am seeing a life coach to help me make goals for myself…..but… long does this feeling of emptiness and sadness last? Is there an end in sight? I used to be so strong and able to get past the challenges I encountered, but now I am feeling my life is no longer the familiar entity I once lived and thrived.

The longer time passes the more I seem to feel deeply what is missing. I didn’t think I would have any regrets. I have tried my best to be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter and good friend, but now I do have regrets. I keep thinking…..if I had done something different, would my life have been better….happier? Time was so preciously short and I regret not having had more time with the people I lost or made that time even more eventful than it was. However, it takes two people to try to make something special. Why are relationships so hard?

As each day passes, I see more things that trigger memories and mourn that I cannot share the joy of that memory with that lost person. Is life going to be this way from now on?

Ok….so perhaps you are thinking, as I used to…..”If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”. In other words….”If old memories are painful, make new ones!”. Sometimes, this is not so easy as it sounds. There are internal obstacles to conquer and self confidence to restore. I feel I am no longer the same person I once was. Its all about baby steps. I feel the need to slow down, appreciate and contemplate the world around me. Right now, it is difficult to fit into the fast paced world we live in. I search for answers and coping in God’s Word. I will let him speak to me and show me how I now fit into his plan or not. I will take time to knit and crochet to help me feel productive and calm my heart and mind. I will listen to my new Gary Bonner CD called “Whatever is True” from Phillipians 4:8,9…

”And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me---everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. (NLT).”

PEACE and LOVE……that is what I want.