Perseverance: A Woman's Work

   Repairing my house and learning all the skills needed to do so, has given me a great respect for the construction Men and Women who do this day in and day out. 

   It is really hard work to do a good job at making something beautiful.  Before this, I had never paid much attention to the details in the materials and tools….the types of putty and patching….which is the best type of putty knife to use to get the best even patch?  What grades of sand paper to use for what job? What kind of wall texture is there?  What the heck was “orange peal”? Do I use flat-paint, satin, semi-gloss or enamel? Primer or non-primer? One-coat or two? 

   The big thing for me was learning to use a Mitered saw. I did my research and bought a small 7 ½ in. saw that was easy to handle. The first hurdle for me was to get over my fear of the noise.  One can really loose their hearing being exposed to the high decibels for a long period of time.  That fast spinning blade was quite intimidating and its no joke to take special safety precautions and make sure your limbs and fingers are in a safe place before you make the cut.  I initially tried the less intimidating Mitered box that uses a hand saw. After two attempts at this and a sweaty brow, I knew it would be impossible  for me to cut 200+ feet of baseboards for my house project.  I just didn’t have the strength. 

   Strength! Wow, did I get a dose of reality!  Men are more suited to this type of work because it takes brute strength to do this. Unless you are a weight-lifter woman, the average woman is not equal in strength or muscle.  Even hammering a nail can be overwhelming to a little ole lady as myself. There were times I cried in frustration because I didn’t have the strength to do something, but graciously God gave me a brain to figure an alternate way to achieve the same result.  I had to accept imperfection in my work,  but I convinced myself that “No one will notice”……right?

  There were times that I questioned myself,  “What were you thinking, when you decided to do this  project yourself?”.  However, perseverance brought me confidence, added a measure to  my self-esteem,  and I saved a ton of money to have all I wanted repaired in my own timing.  I asked myself,  “Why? What do you hope to achieve?”  Beside the finished product, I thought about how I am husbandless. So many thoughts came to mind about Walter, my late fix-it handyman, and his absence caused me many tears. However, tears are cleansing.  Life goes on without him and I am trying the best I can. God is with me. He gives me strength. 

Prov. 14:1 “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

Prov 31: 17 “ She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 

Prov 31:26 “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”

To Everything there is a Season.....A time to weep and a time to laugh....Ecc. 3:1,4

   It’s amazing how God works in our lives. We may not fully understand why things happen the way they do, but in the end, when we trust him, he makes Romans 8:28 become real in our lives. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

   My oldest son’s family was finally able to move to their own place and I had my home back, although a bit lonely. A few months later, my youngest son decided a closer commute to work was more appealing, and I invited him back home. We have a lovely time learning to cook and experiment with new dishes. 

   I feel God teaching me to cope with my occasional sadness and celebrate the joys. My job of 23 years was ending this summer of 2014. Regardless of this anticipated loss, I took a big leap of trust and committed to a major kitchen, bathroom and laundry room remodel. A wall was taken down but God was gracious and the remodeling went very smoothly and the result was beautiful. It gave me joy to see the potential of entertaining again in this big house. One great joy in my life was the Wedding of my 2^nd son. It was absolutely beautiful from start to finish. There is not been many times I had a chance to “gussy” up and have fun, and this was a beautiful celebration of love for a lifetime. 

Son Alan, Me, Nora & Robby, and son Scott

A beautiful dream reception

   One month after the kitchen remodel, a refrigerator water hose came apart and flooded almost the entire house overnight. Upon cleaning up, asbestos tile was found under the carpet and a major clean-up was done, paid for by my homeowners policy. I decided to do the remaining repairs myself and do all the things I wanted done and my contractor could not with the estimate they gave. One wonders if God had a hand in this? How is it possible that I was able to get everything repaired and still have money left from the insurance settlement?  Of course, if someone had to pay me for my labor, it might be a different story. But what did I gain? A lot….not just money. I learned a lot of new skills thanks to Youtube videos, gained some new tools and supplies. My confidence rose. This labor kept me busy and focused as I also applied for a new job.  I gained a few sore muscles too, but this was nothing compared to the results accomplished.

  So now I have a new remodeled house, a new job and a new life to look forward to as I use God’s gift for His glory. Praise God for his Blessings!

Grieving: The Lowest Point

 My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.

No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….


After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?

I’m on Summer Break! Part I

When I asked for summer break I had a reason……..

I knew that it would be tough getting through major emotional events during this month and needed to help myself and my family cope. Being with each other is the best way we support each other for there is comfort in the presence of loving family. For sure, we love each other and feel nourished when we meet.

The first hurdle……Walter’s birthday on July 4. Little did I realize how much this would mean to me. I invited my sons and sister in law over like normal to have a BBQ. We had two guests come that turned out to have good attitudes and be enjoyable to be around. If anything, they kept our spirits up. One was a 10 yr old 6th grader. Instead of playing board games, the boys got out the Wii and played bowling and Mario to entertain our guest. The rest of us played with the grandkids, lounged around in the patio swing and read quietly until my 4 yr old granddaughter couldn’t take the waiting any longer and we lit up the fireworks in front of our house. Certainly, we missed Walter and we didn’t sing Happy Birthday to You this year. We will now have to remember that it is Independence Day, but in our hearts it will always be Dad’s birthday.

After such a nostalgic holiday, my two youngest adult sons and I planned to get away a few days in Las Vegas. We wanted to see some shows. This was a very special treat. One of my son’s has been playing in an orchestra for some community theatre shows on his summer break, so he was looking forward to being entertained rather than entertaining. We saw the Blue Man Show, which was very funny and interactive. At one point, the audience pushed yards and yards of toilet paper sized streamers from the back of the threatre to the front of the stage. It looked like a sea of white water covering the audience….what fun!!! Blue Men are three mime drummers that are very good. They use neon colored special effects and make up funny skits that involve the audience in them. I highly recommend their show.

The second show was “The Phantom”. I saw the Broadway production of “The Phantom of the Opera” in Los Angeles a few years back. For the Las Vegas show, they reduced it from a 3 ½ hr to a two-hour one-act program. The costumes and sets were great. The singing and music was wonderful too. However, I didn’t feel the emotional involvement with this production as with the original. I think that the cut in some scenes, sacrificed some of the emotion and compassion development that is involved in the show. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but have tears for the song, “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again”. I just thought of Walter.

Diana and the Blue M & M

Scott & Diana in the Venetian Hotel

Diana near the Lion's Den at MGM

Robby & Scott say "Cheese"

New York, New York-Las Vegas Style

Las Vegas Palazzo at night

The rest of the time we spent swimming in the lovely pool at Hard Rock Hotel, browsing the various Las Vegas Strip Casinos and shopping at MGM, Escalibur, Luxor, Venetian, Treasure Island and New York, New York. The boys couldn’t get away without riding the Roller Coaster. Our last stop was the M &M shop and I found the Blue M & M! There were four floors of M & M stuff!

So now I am preparing to do one of the final acts I have as a widow….laying Walter’s ashes to rest. Its almost a year now. I think it is time to give the family some closure and to give me permission to move on with my life. Although I have mixed feelings about this and to some extent I feel I am still grieving, people tell me this is normal. On the 19th, there will be a private gravesite gathering for family to pay final respects. The view is beautiful overlooking the San Gabriel Valley, where Walter and I grew up. This will be our final resting place.

Death & Taxes

There is a saying that….”The only thing you cannot avoid is death and taxes”. How true is this! That is why it’s a double wammy when you have to face both at the same time.


As a surviving spouse, I had to file my last “joint” income taxes return for my late husband and I. As I signed for my deceased husband on the dotted line, I was suddenly struck by the finality of this little act. We have filed a joint income tax return over the 33 years of marriage and this final act of marriage has such an impact, it made me face the reality of an ending of the BIG marriage responsibility. Yes, even in death, someone has to pay your taxes. I wonder whether divorced people feel the same when they sign on the dotted line of their divorce papers?

Until that moment of signing off that tax return, I had not realized I was truly unmarried. Next year I will be filing income taxes as a “Single”. I almost feel as if I have cut off a limb or something vitally important. I’m not sure I like this feeling of separation. Perhaps it might have been easier had one divorced and made a willful choice to separate from their partner, but this was not my choice. I expected him to be here helping me work out our taxes on Turbotax. I gathered up all the paperwork, W-2s, 1099’s and worksheets, as I had done in the past, and brought it to H&R Block.

The decision to hire someone was one of convenience rather than frugality. This is the one mistake I realize after the fact. Since I had everything in order ahead of time, all the tax person had to do was plug in the numbers and press a button for the software to compute the tax. I realize I could have done the same had I not been insecure with this uncertain stage in my life in widowhood. Coping is hard enough and I didn’t want to chance getting any taxes wrong. Going through an audit for the first time, without the support of my wise, intelligent helpmate, was not something I wanted to chance and therefore sought the expert’s advice and counsel. I suspect I will never look at a tax return in the same way again without feeling this loss.

In the end, I realize the Lord was with me every step in our finances, so I would not have a deep financial burden. There is no way I could have planned our spending in such a way as to come out even in our taxes. This is just more evidence how God provided for us in our time of need and even after death.

Eight Months of Reflection

Ever so often I indulge in a little reflection. It is almost eight months since Walter’s passing. Lately, memories flood my soul and I miss his silent strength and presence, especially in times of stress and trials. There are times I feel my faith in God is constantly tested as I have lately encountered more trials than some might experience.

I reflect on my coping styles and how God places the right people in my path and the right diversions to keep my spirits up and focused on him. I have never been one to panic in times of stress. Perhaps, this is because of my training as a nurse, that demands of me to exercise some self-control to function in life and death situations. I think that having this calm spirit helps a stressful situation rather than hurts it. People who are stressed fear loosing control and will seek out anything that resembles confidence and peaceful assurance.

Yet, this calmness can later catch up on a person. I succumb to feelings of being overwhelmed and need to seek a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Friends have been so wonderful and available to me for this. It surprises me to be so open and honest with them, sometimes not leaving any thought protected. Is this taking a risk? Perhaps. Yet, God has put in my path friends I trust, more than they know. I have always felt that being honest and open yields much better results than holding back. I expect honesty back, even if it hurts. I have a good capacity for forgiveness. God helps me with this. More and more I am learning to let go of hurts and disappointments as I realize it doesn’t help me move on if I keep them inside to fester and multiply.

I am starting to explore some outside support groups to seek information, and an impartial group to work out the stresses in my life. The hardest step is to go to the first meeting. I feel the need to build my support base beyond my inner circle. Perhaps this is an opportunity to discover additional supports available to me, as well as work on me. I have a choice to alter my behavior to influence the behavior of others. Life is all about choices, isn’t it? I can choose to keep things the way they are or the choice to change it or change the way I behave in it.

If there is anything I miss most with Walter’s absence, it may be the access to human touch. I have friends and family who are not shy about giving hugs. Our church has people who will come up to you to give a friendly hug greeting and this helps tremendously. My sons are not shy about hugs either. All of this helps. But there is something about the simple holding of one’s hand or the intimacy of a simple kiss that I have found myself grieving for.

I feel like I have survived the major hurdles of the calendar, ie. Wedding Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines’s day. Depression has come and gone throughout these times, but amazingly less than I expected. Supportive friends, family have helped as well as implementing coping strategies I’ve found in books on Widowhood . I still have Easter, Walter’s birthday and the 1st Anniversary of this death to cope with.

And throughout all of this I pray, for He is with me.

Cares Chorus


I cast all my cares upon you,


I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.


Any anytime I don’t know what to do.


I will cast all my cares upon you.


~Kelly Willard

Happy Valentine's Day

Two weeks ago, as I saw this day approaching, I couldn’t help but feel some sadness and missing my late husband. The memories of some of the special Valentine’s days came to mind with some melancholy. On a Valentine’s Day, one of our sons was conceived. He was our Valentine to each other. I am comforted by this special son Walter has left behind to remind me of our love. This son and I went to dinner  tonight and he is a great emotional support for me.

Today, Valentine's Day was a special day in so many ways. Our boss pampered us workers with strawberries, raspberries and other assorted goodies. Several of my friends sent Valentines and flowers. I truly felt loved and cared for.

On this day at work, we had Federal Reviewers show up at our school to evaluate our program and everything seemed to go so well.

The weather was perfect. I really enjoyed my early walk this morning as the sun came up shining as if God was smiling. I thought , “Isn’t it a beautiful day? How blessed I am!”

I purchased a Valentine’s gift for me of a ring and necklace set with red pink hearts. This is a reminder that I am a survivor in a new independent life. A new life that will be better and hopeful for a fulfilling future. I am starting to realize a purpose. It seems to be falling into place. Rather than seeing the emptiness, I am having a vision of the possibilities in my life.

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves….12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with God’s people who are in need.

Grief Work Status Check

Wow! Where has the month flown? This has been a month of reflecting, coming to terms with realities and making plans.

Our church has been studying the Book of 1 Timothy. It has generated a lot of lively debate and 1 Timothy 5: 3 talk about widows, “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need”. It reminded me to check my temperature on my grief work. How am I doing?

I’ve been reading a book, “How to go on Living, When Someone you Love Dies”, by Therese A Rando, PhD. It is a rather comprehensive book of the grieving process, all kinds of grieving. In the Chapter on “What is Necessary to “Resolve” Your Grief”, it tells of a set of processes that must be completed. They are:

1. Experiencing the pain.

2. Reacting to the separation from your loved one.

3. Readjusting to the new world without your loved one.

4. Changing your emotional attachment to and investment in him.

So I ask myself, “How am I doing”?

It seems that I have been going through 1 and 2 over the last two years. Number 3 was started when my late husband entered the hospital and Number 4……..? Well, six months after his death, I might be starting to work on this one.

I keep asking myself, how did I get this far so fast? All I can say is that that the Lord is good and provided me the very best of friends, family, and people who were there for me every step of the way. I was able to cry and talk about my feelings, get information, and not feel so isolated knowing that others had experienced similar grief feelings. We all seemed to hold each other up with love and care.

The book goes on and gives a checklist of examples how one can know they have successfully resolved their loved one’s loss….

1. Remember their loved one without pain.

2. Mention him or tell stories about him without falling apart.

3. Express regrets without undue guilt.

4. Love others without feeling they are betraying the deceased.

5. Write the word “widow” without feeling abandoned.

I can honestly say I can do most of these. I acknowledge that there might be times of lapses but I understand this is normal and expected. It is not intended to wipe away the memory of your loved one but to adapt into a New Life without Forgetting the Old.

This involves…..

1. Developing a new relationship with the deceased.

2. Keeping your loved one “alive” appropriately.

3. Forming a new identity based on your being without this person and encompassing the changes you have made to adjust to his death.

4. Taking the freed-up emotional energy that used to be invested in your loved one and reinvesting it in other relationships, objects, activities, roles, and hopes that can offer emotional satisfaction back to you. “

This book has been very helpful to me. I am thinking of going back to school to finish my degree, making deeper commitments in friendships, and my focus in my work is coming back. Life is good. Thank you Lord!

I have also finished my Friendship Shawl. How appropriate for me to have finished it when I am completing my grief work. This shawl is a celebration of the friendship and support given me. I will be giving it to a very special friend. It is a garter stitch shawl with a Feather and Fan pattern knitted in to prevent the shawl from falling off the shoulders. I knit it dark red Superwash wool . Mornings are still chilly and should come in handy on those cold mornings.

Friendship Shawl

Feather & Fan pattern

A Real Family Thanksgiving 2010

The decision to hostess the family Thanksgiving was not an easy one. No one expected me to do this, having lost my husband four months ago, but I felt I needed to get back to a normal holiday routine. I wondered if I didn't find some joy in this holiday, there was a good chance future Thanksgivings and Christmas may be permanently altered. Of course, I weep for the missing presence of Walter, but I know he would want me to go on with my life in the best way I could manage. Life goes on, and what better way to convince ourselves of this fact, than getting together with family. My sons have always considered holidays for family. and this year "Home for the Holidays" should take on a special meaning of "togetherness". So the invitations went out and everyone I invited accepted-----all 18 people!

I really wanted to make this Thanksgiving special and went all out to decorate and cook the main dishes of turkey and ham. Preparing for it, like preparing for Walter’s memorial, was very therapeutic for me. Holidays seem to be hard when you lose a loved one. Although there were times to shed tears, I kept very busy with preparations without much time to think and grieve. Working from dawn to bedtime helped me sleep well enough for each new day. I saw my goal and went to work completing it.

It all paid off in a lovely Thanksgiving potluck, warmly and deliciously contributed by all. We had more food than we could eat. We had good conversation, played some fun games and even had my 4 yr old granddaughter make some crafts with the help of my dear friend. There were lots of giggles and smiles as contestants exchanged socks, danced while humming a tune, held a silver spoon in their mouth (I bet you thought people were born with this---wink!) and had lively debate on whether you would give up kissing or saying “I love you”, and whether you would rather have “smart” children or “beautiful” children. It was the best family time I've had in a long time.  I love my family and our friends felt like family, as well. Everything seemed to click together.

How blessed we all felt. God is indeed good! In the words of Tiny Tim, “God Bless us, Everyone!”

It's the little things.....

This is a time of slow and careful reflection, as you can well imagine. Despite the busyness of work and family, I still have a lot of time to think. I think about the past year and a half and what we’ve been through. I think about the shock of Walter’s diagnosis and as this news sank in, the journey toward building faith, trust and acceptance that God is in control no matter what happens. Even beyond this, the realization that God chooses things to work perfectly and I have no doubt he will continue to do this in my life.

I think about the little things God has taught me through this experience, the little lessons in character building.

Patience

I always thought that when God was handing out gifts, he had given me an extra share of patience. Nevertheless, he made sure to give me an extra helping with Walter’s illness. There was so much waiting: waiting in doctor’s offices, waiting for lab and diagnostic results, waiting during chemo treatments, waiting to speak to the doctors during the eight hospitalizations Walter experienced, waiting for the morning to come to report a concern, waiting at home to care for him. Although these periods had the potential for causing extreme anxiety, God also gave me a means of calming my heart and hands and listening to him….my knitting. I made Walter arm warmers, hats and mittens to keep him warm. At other times I made socks and hats for others. It was very comforting and productive and each finished object rewarded me for my patience.

Trust

When one hears the diagnosis of cancer, there is a natural reaction to ask God, “Why? Why us? Why now?” When you can get through the shock and disbelief and accept it, one moves through to, “Ok, God. It is there, so will you help us get through this?” There is just no other alternative but to trust that He knows all, He will be in control, and He has a plan.

Compassion and kindness

This is very different from pity and sympathy. Compassion is having a deep heartfelt understanding of another’s plight and imagining what it is like for the other in pain and discomfort. Anyone can “ pity” and have sympathy for another, but compassion goes a step further and does something to make another feel better. I have had a measure of compassion for others, being a nurse as my profession. It’s not always easy to feel the same for a family member, or a person you live with day in and day out. I had to dig deep to show that compassion and caring when Walter was stubborn and I felt he wasn’t doing his part to get better and follow doctor’s recommendations. Despite my fatigue from my 8-9 hr job, I was able to come home to make him comfortable and respond to his needs at a very intimate level. I think he recognized that this was truly from a “Love” for him, no matter how difficult he was. He would frequently say, “How will I ever make it up to you?” His acknowledgement was all I needed.

Courage and inner strength

I suppose it could have been easier to fall apart and let others take over. However, this was never acceptable for me. I have always felt better to have a small measure of control in my life. Looking ahead at the realization of the impact that cancer can do to a person and their future was frequently frightening. There were several times I was so overwhelmed I struggled with depression myself. Yet, there was a realization that a lot of people were counting on me; my workmates and the families and children I serve, my family who looked to me as an anchor in keeping the family home going, and my dear husband who learned to be totally dependent on me, when he could not advocate for himself among the medical professionals caring for him. It took tremendous courage and strength to keep my emotions under control and not break down in a helpless heap of tears. When things seemed overwhelming, I turned it over to God and let him take care of us, which he did in everyway. He lead us to compassionate medical staff at the City of Hope, and he sent people to help us apply for benefits to keep our finances and bills taken care of. He brought generous friends and family who gave us respite and gifts of encouragement. This all helped me have strength and courage to keep functioning, making decisions to get through each day.

Even now, as Walter has passed and I miss him terribly, I keep that courage and strength going as I now have to find a new future without him and a new life. I feel I have become a better person from this experience and hope in some small way I can pass on some of this to those I come in contact with.

“I believe…..Help Thou my unbelief

I walk into the unknown trusting like a child….”

From a Bill Gaither Song

Plumb flabbergasted.....!

Until now, I have felt I was handling everything fairly well. All the daily things are being done, bills paid, house in some order, work is plugging away, car taken for servicing, W is being cared for at he hospital. No worries…..so I thought. Then my peace was shattered…..


The other day, I sprug a leak in my refrigerator hose for the ice maker. Coming home to a counter filled with water was not great. Yet, no damage seemed to be evident. Also I noticed a lot of water around my lawn sprinklers that should not be there when sprinklers are off. So now I have two plumbing leaks to worry about. Plumbing was W’s job. I had no clue how to start to fix it. So I talked to W about it. He quickly tells me how to do it, but I try turning one of the valves and water shut-offs and it doesn’t budge. I ask one of my son’s to help me and he looks at me blankly. I realize my husband never taught the boys to fix plumbing problems. What do I do now without calling out an expensive plumber to fix a few minor looking leaks?


I pray…Lord, help me figure out how to fix this!. I get a “Plumbing” how to book. I get some tubing that I think might fix the refrigerator leak and I get the water shut off on my Kitchen cold water to keep the spray from ruining anything else. I am stressed and fretful. I cancel a dinner date with my brother’s family, who was going to take me out for my birthday, so I can work on this while I still have weekend left.

Lo and behold, God answers my prayers. Instead of showing me how to fix it, he sends two people to fix it. My brother brought me my dinner from the restaurant, and also brought his tools to fix the refrigerator leak. While waiting for my brother to show, God sent over my gardener who said he would fix the sprinklers for a reasonable price. I thought how good God is!

I never appreciated enough all the things my husband did. He was Mr. Fix It. Now that he is not able to Fix It, it leaves a big hole in our ability to keep the house fixed. Thank goodness, we have a God who can send us people to help us. He continues to provide for my needs. I am so grateful and very humbled by His provision.

Caregiving: When the going gets tough…..

This has been a hard week. Stress at work, working 8-9 hr days, under a new leadership style, stress with the ups and downs of dealing with W's nausea, lack of appetite and low blood counts, the stress of not knowing when “engraphment” will take place, or if it will ever take place. And then, when you have time for yourself, you keep giving… trying to support other family members with their health needs, and trying to cope with the stress of handling the house alone. It takes its toll on a person.

This week has left me weak and exhausted. In attempts to gain some control of my life, I have decided to take life slower and say no to over ambitious plans to clean my house. I was reading a pamphlet I was sent called “Caregiver Guide for Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Transplant” by National Bone Marrow Transplant LINK. It says “Caregivers experience the same, if not more, distress than the survivors themselves and are usually less likely than survivors to get the help they need”. How true this is! I ask myself, “Who has the time?” It’s not like you can check out of everything.

Well,…maybe you can, but this is not an option for me. As one takes on all of this responsibility, including the superhuman emotional strength to try to keep W’s spirits up, no one realizes, including the caregiver, that this awful sick feeling deep inside making one weepy could be “depression”, which is difficult to control and climb out of. Any little thing can make the world so overwhelming to cope with. It’s like falling into a deep empty hole in the ground without a ladder. Perhaps it’s time to go back to the Prozac……..

Can it get any worse? Apparently, it can, but I’m not ready to share that yet. The worst of my nightmares is about to come true. It’s like an episode of the old TV series, West Wing, where President Bartlett, makes up a terrorist scenario to scare his daughter into taking her Secret Service protection seriously and it actually comes true a season later. I predicted a scenario for one of my sons, and I fear if things don’t change drastically, it is likely to come true. The results of making wrong choices. Is it dejavu or premonition?

So I reach into my coping bag, full of “detachment”, “denial”, “anger”, “hysterics”, “lethargy”, “heart-sickness”, “meet a friend”, “going to a movie”, “buy something”, “binge eating”, “prayer”, “isolation”, “courage”, “crying”, “helplessness”, “sleep”, “mutism”, “suffering in silence”, and what do I pull out…….?

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Thankfulness and Compassion

I need to breathe a sign of relief and have a humble appreciation for all the prayer warriors that have prayed for my husband and I. The prayers were answered. W. is recovering from the worst health crisis he has had yet in this struggle to battle lymphoma. These two weeks have reminded me that God is very gracious to heal my husband’s heart and give me more time with him. We hope that he will be home this week.


As I come up for air, my heart breaks for the people of Haiti and the desperate need for survival that they are experiencing. Stephanie Pearl McPhee, AKA The Yarn Harlot, has put out a call to Knitters to help by donating to Doctors without Borders. In answering this call, I can’t help but feel this is such a small gift for a very great need. Yet, we knitters are many and mighty. Together, we can make a difference.

This event makes us realize how fortunate we are to have so many resources. Haiti, the poorest nation in this hemisphere, has very little. It is a wonder to see the capacity for compassion that many have, that would sacrifice their money, time and even their own comforts to help humanity in need. This is what God calls us to in any way we can.

My favorite verse:

Matthew 25:40 Jesus said “ I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

Cancer coping

This week has been a very hard week emotionally for my husband and I. The skin pain and itching from his cutaneous lymphoma seem to be increasing intensity. We have been trying to figure out what pain medication will give him the most relief without making him a zombie or worse than this, not able to get up at all. One medication will pretty much knock him out and results in uncomfortable side effects. Another seems to relieve the pain to a manageable level so he can still get around, but doesn’t last long enough and taking too much in one day can cause liver damage. Beyond all of this, it’s the itching that is the most unbearable. This has him so depressed and desperate, even scratching until his tender skin bleeds doesn’t give him relief. We saw a pain management doctor today. We are hopeful that she will be able to coordinate his pain and coping meds to give him some quality of life.


It is not easy to see the love of your life, strong and tall, reduced to a frightened, weepy, pain filled creature, depressed and withdrawn. I want to take away everything that is uncomfortable for him, but am helpless to do so. All I can do is be there and hold his hand or rub his back. I try to be strong and do the things that need to be done that he cannot do. I release my tears of grief and sorrow in quiet when I am alone. I guess I have always been the strong one of my family. My family counts on me to be there and functioning. Even I am realizing my limitations.

I have spoken with my boss to ask permission to reduce my hours to be at home more with W. I also need to conserve my mental and physical energy to work out all the disability paperwork, doctors appointments, medications and daily care for my husband. I am grateful my boss is graciously understanding in allowing me the flexibility to work as I can and take care of W. I didn’t think this talk would happen so soon. We were told, perhaps optimistically, that people with this kind of lymphoma could live a normal lifespan with treatment, but there is no cure. Perhaps it sounded to good to be true. No one said the quality of life would be so compromised. I should have taken the cue from the dermatologist, who first suspected the condition, that this lymphoma was not so pleasant. However, even with this realization, what is one to do to prepare for such a life ahead? No, perhaps it’s better to undergo some denial in the beginning and learn to cope gradually.

I am grateful and appreciate so much the little kindnesses people in our lives have done for us. Being a recipient of such kindness and compassion reminds me not to be so self-centered in my own problems. I count my blessings and know that there are others still worse off that us. God has truly answered my prayers and taken care of our financial needs to keep us going. It has allowed me to return some of his generosity to others as well. What is it called? Paying it forward? Thank you all for loving us.

That reminds me, I have to finish knitting Scott’s socks tonight!

Matthew 25:40 Jesus said “ I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

Finish--itis

Finish-itis, (Please excuse the hypen. It looks better this way)

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I just haven’t had much time to collect my thoughts. Stress has overwhelmed me the last two months. The job: breaking in and adjusting to a new boss, trying to meet the demands of starting school, preparing for a pandemic and disaster planning, training new office staff has been stressful. All this in addition to trying to cope with W. not responding to his latest treatment, unable to function more than moving from the recliner where he sleeps all day to the bed, where he sleeps more, having to do all the housework, his and mine is exhausting. The only thing that keeps me sane is my knitting.

I have finished a saddle sweater for my 22 yr old son, a knit skirt for me and miscellaneous items. The knitting is complete. It just the finishing….the weaving of seams, the blocking, etc. that needs to be done.

I don’t know why this is so difficult for me….to finish or not to finish. That is the question! This seems like such a easy task but I struggle to get motivated to do it!

I am on a sweater knitting jag right now. Having finished the Elizabeth Zimmerman Yoke sweater and the Elizabeth Zimmerman Saddle sweater, I am now making a Elizabeth Zimmerman Cardigan in the round with steeks. I plan to steek the opening and knit a border when I am done. This is slow-going but the color (red) keeps me knitting on. I love red. I’m tired of knitting with drab greys. I need some color in my dreary life.

Life has been a little lonely lately. W. has not felt good enough with his lymphoma to do much, other than an occasional outing to dinner or fast food. I am feeling the struggle of deciding to either find a part-time job that is less demanding or quit or retire, so I can take care of my husband and manage all the paperwork associated with his cancer treatment.

I’m not sure we can afford my loss of income just yet. Slowly but surely, we are reducing our debts and I will feel better about a change when that happens. It is very hard to think about changing a job I’ve been at for 20 years, two blocks from my home. However, I am feeling that he needs me more at home and my desire for my job is waning. I have been told I am good at what I do, but my focus is just too distracted by his needs. Rather than be a nurse for the 250 children in my care, I will be a nurse for one. It’s not really changing jobs. It’s only relocating. I am only one year away from early retirement but I got a late start of saving for retirement, so the income won’t be much. Yet, I have never been a high maintenance woman. We just need enough to live a modest life and take care of the bills.

So why am I afraid of finishitis? What is it that keeps me hanging on?

UPDATED 11/11/09

My finishitis is cured! I finished the Saddle Sweater and Bell Curve Skirt. See pictures below .