Part II: Saying Goodbye and Moving On

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent 33+ years loving and experiencing life together. However, this is what happened on July 19th at Rose Hills Memorial Park. It was a warm sunny day. My family and small extended family met to say our goodbyes as we buried Walter’s urn in his final resting place over looking the San Gabriel Valley. The view all around was beautiful. My pastor gave a very comforting service. My three sons and family surrounded me as I tenderly placed the urn in the vault for the final time. It was a very stirring moment. One I will cherish forever.

Loving sons comfort their mother

So officially, this signals the end of mourning right? The past year have been filled with wonderful friendships and yet, there IS something that I feel missing. I miss a man in my life,… a confidant, a someone to feel part of, a best friend with a unique perspective to run things by. I will never lose the love for my husband but perhaps, it is time to move on and to try to find some happiness again. Amazingly, I’ve discovered that it is easier to meet people via the internet, but it is not without dangers and risks. What relationship isn’t? No matter where you meet someone, there is a matter of trust that must be established. I am finding this harder than I thought. Yet, there is also some excitement of getting to know someone who is interested in you.

I am tredding through unknown territory, and it is at times frightening. I pray the Lord will find someone for me that is as good as Walter was. I would feel so blessed to have a person like that. People keep telling me I am still young and beautiful and that I will find someone. Yet, there is always that insecurity hiding within wondering am I really too old. I’m not that spring chick I used to be. Perhaps they will see and appreciate the beauty and experience within and rather than the aging beauty without.

I have also found comfort in knitting again, although my down time is getting rarer as I split my free time between exercising, enjoying music at a local concert, reading, and sitting knitting some slippers for charity. My goal is to knit up all the yarn that I still have, including my handspun yarn. I need some ideas for this that won’t be shrunk in the first wash by an unknowing knitter who does know about wool and hot water. Life is becoming interesting again and perhaps I’ll do some more traveling with friends. It seems I’ve become the “go girl”. I love driving my little Prius around town with my friends to places. The world is open wide for new experiences.

Diana and Granddaughter

Discovering Hope

Life can throw you for a loop with tragedy and difficulties that seems overwhelming to recover from. In my grief of losing my dear husband of 33 years, prayers were constantly sent to God hoping that He will help take away the pain and slowly revive hope in my heart. Is it possible to hope again? As I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband’s death, it helps me reflect on how far I have traveled through my grief process. I am still here. I am alive.

I have survived and I live each day with a hope, a smile and wonderment of what God has in store for me in daily blessings. He has grown in me a capacity to love and care for others in many different ways. Does one have to loose so much to appreciate how precious building relationships and nurturing them are in order to find some measure of happiness in this world? I have learned my lessons well. Life is just too short to fail to make meaningful connections in this world.


I am humbled by God’s grace, with a Thankful heart……..


Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14.

For Better or Worse: Lymphoma

I have tried to start this several times and I’m still struggling with how to write about what’s happening to our family. There is just no easy way to put it….My husband has been diagnosed with Cutaneous T-cell lymphoma, a blood/skin cancer. What started as red, dry skin turned out to be cancer. Never in a million years did I imagine that this would end up to be cancer.

My years of being a nurse has trained me to be calm and not panic but there are moments that my mind succumbs to the many possibilities. I try not to get ahead of myself, but I’ve always been a person who considers the road ahead. Only this time, it is very fuzzy and this is a bit unsettling. I feel that this is a situation where I have no choice but to let God take over. I have to surrender to His Will. This is something that can be so overwhelming, only He can calm my heart and give me and my husband the strength to get through it. Experience has shown me how God can give me strength of mind and spirit when I need it most, and I have no doubt He will do just that in this situation.

As I slowly inform family and friends of the diagnosis, it is so hard to know how best to respond to their messages of sympathy and support. On one side it is nice to know that so many care, and on the other it seems I end up comforting them rather than they comforting me. Is this the nurse in me? I know they are afraid for me and my husband. There are times, I am afraid for myself.

I still haven’t heard from many and even this I understand because I have fallen into this uncomfortable situation myself. When one hears the bad news of someone having “cancer”, it is just very difficult to know what to say, so you say nothing. You want to say something that will comfort and reassure but there are so many unknowns you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Along the way, you eventually get up enough courage to say something to show you care.

While my husband continues to undergo tests to determine the extent of his disease and the course of treatment needed, I imagine that this will be a long road towards remission. With the advances in health care, better treatments are giving better outcomes and I am hopeful.

Life goes on and even as I grow older, I am learning to appreciate everyday the beauty in this world, the special moments I share with him, and the togetherness we have held these 32+ years. My parents will be celebrating 60 years of marriage this year. They are wonderful examples of love, sacrifice, long-suffering, and commitment The glue of love is strong in our families.