Search for Inner Peace

As I travel through this tunnel of grief from my recent and not so recent losses, little did I know that it would feel this way. I have looked from afar at others who are grieving, and somehow I was oblivious to the internal sorrow and pain of memories one experiences….until now. I am reading all the grief books. I am forcing myself to be among people to support me and keep connected. I am seeing a life coach to help me make goals for myself…..but…..how long does this feeling of emptiness and sadness last? Is there an end in sight? I used to be so strong and able to get past the challenges I encountered, but now I am feeling my life is no longer the familiar entity I once lived and thrived.

The longer time passes the more I seem to feel deeply what is missing. I didn’t think I would have any regrets. I have tried my best to be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter and good friend, but now I do have regrets. I keep thinking…..if I had done something different, would my life have been better….happier? Time was so preciously short and I regret not having had more time with the people I lost or made that time even more eventful than it was. However, it takes two people to try to make something special. Why are relationships so hard?

As each day passes, I see more things that trigger memories and mourn that I cannot share the joy of that memory with that lost person. Is life going to be this way from now on?

Ok….so perhaps you are thinking, as I used to…..”If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”. In other words….”If old memories are painful, make new ones!”. Sometimes, this is not so easy as it sounds. There are internal obstacles to conquer and self confidence to restore. I feel I am no longer the same person I once was. Its all about baby steps. I feel the need to slow down, appreciate and contemplate the world around me. Right now, it is difficult to fit into the fast paced world we live in. I search for answers and coping in God’s Word. I will let him speak to me and show me how I now fit into his plan or not. I will take time to knit and crochet to help me feel productive and calm my heart and mind. I will listen to my new Gary Bonner CD called “Whatever is True” from Phillipians 4:8,9…

”And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me---everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. (NLT).”

PEACE and LOVE……that is what I want.

Grieving: The Lowest Point

 My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.

No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….


After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?

My Father's loss

My dad and I on father's day 2011

My blog has been rather silent since we buried my late husband. The days have been lazily passing us by as Fall enfolded in leaves turning colors, cooler weather approaching and days becoming darker. Little did I know we would be coming back to the same beautiful spot at Rose Hills to bury my beloved father, Raul. My 84 year old father passed away on Sept 25 from a massive stroke. We had a very lovely and memorable memorial service on Saturday. It was just as I wanted it to be….shared with family and friends sweet memories of the wonderful man he was.


As my dad had aged over the years and had grown increasingly uncomfortable with his physical health, I knew that time was short. And yet, I always thought we would have one more month everytime I saw him. He was so sharp and intelligent, even to his last day, as evidenced by his completion of a newspaper crossword puzzle.

I feel the loss of my mentor, my wise counselor, almost more than that of my husband. Perhaps it is because with Walter gone, I still had my father to be my “compass”, giving me direction and guidance. And now, I’ve lost both and feel somewhat adrift. The other day, I needed an explanation of “next of kin” in regards to how it is defined. I needed my father to explain to me the legal interpretation of this. We would always have wonderful talks. His intelligence and wisdom was always there for me.

So now, I feel alone and searching for a source of guidance. It causes one to strengthen faith in the Lord. Matthew 28:20 says “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” What comfort this is to me. I have to listen to that inner small voice of His Holy Spirit that dwells in me for guidance and strength.

I can feel all of those grieving thoughts come back to me, just when I thought I was ready to move on. Well perhaps this is a little different. The loss of a parent is different from a loss of a spouse. One you grieve the loss of security and stability and the other in addition to the others, you grieve the loss of romantic love and partnership. And yet….there is still hope on the horizon. There are others in the shape of people there to catch you from falling. Love and comfort is still out there waiting in the wings for when you are ready to accept it.

Part II: Saying Goodbye and Moving On

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent 33+ years loving and experiencing life together. However, this is what happened on July 19th at Rose Hills Memorial Park. It was a warm sunny day. My family and small extended family met to say our goodbyes as we buried Walter’s urn in his final resting place over looking the San Gabriel Valley. The view all around was beautiful. My pastor gave a very comforting service. My three sons and family surrounded me as I tenderly placed the urn in the vault for the final time. It was a very stirring moment. One I will cherish forever.

Loving sons comfort their mother

So officially, this signals the end of mourning right? The past year have been filled with wonderful friendships and yet, there IS something that I feel missing. I miss a man in my life,… a confidant, a someone to feel part of, a best friend with a unique perspective to run things by. I will never lose the love for my husband but perhaps, it is time to move on and to try to find some happiness again. Amazingly, I’ve discovered that it is easier to meet people via the internet, but it is not without dangers and risks. What relationship isn’t? No matter where you meet someone, there is a matter of trust that must be established. I am finding this harder than I thought. Yet, there is also some excitement of getting to know someone who is interested in you.

I am tredding through unknown territory, and it is at times frightening. I pray the Lord will find someone for me that is as good as Walter was. I would feel so blessed to have a person like that. People keep telling me I am still young and beautiful and that I will find someone. Yet, there is always that insecurity hiding within wondering am I really too old. I’m not that spring chick I used to be. Perhaps they will see and appreciate the beauty and experience within and rather than the aging beauty without.

I have also found comfort in knitting again, although my down time is getting rarer as I split my free time between exercising, enjoying music at a local concert, reading, and sitting knitting some slippers for charity. My goal is to knit up all the yarn that I still have, including my handspun yarn. I need some ideas for this that won’t be shrunk in the first wash by an unknowing knitter who does know about wool and hot water. Life is becoming interesting again and perhaps I’ll do some more traveling with friends. It seems I’ve become the “go girl”. I love driving my little Prius around town with my friends to places. The world is open wide for new experiences.

Diana and Granddaughter

Discovering Hope

Life can throw you for a loop with tragedy and difficulties that seems overwhelming to recover from. In my grief of losing my dear husband of 33 years, prayers were constantly sent to God hoping that He will help take away the pain and slowly revive hope in my heart. Is it possible to hope again? As I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband’s death, it helps me reflect on how far I have traveled through my grief process. I am still here. I am alive.

I have survived and I live each day with a hope, a smile and wonderment of what God has in store for me in daily blessings. He has grown in me a capacity to love and care for others in many different ways. Does one have to loose so much to appreciate how precious building relationships and nurturing them are in order to find some measure of happiness in this world? I have learned my lessons well. Life is just too short to fail to make meaningful connections in this world.


I am humbled by God’s grace, with a Thankful heart……..


Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14.

Grief Work Status Check

Wow! Where has the month flown? This has been a month of reflecting, coming to terms with realities and making plans.

Our church has been studying the Book of 1 Timothy. It has generated a lot of lively debate and 1 Timothy 5: 3 talk about widows, “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need”. It reminded me to check my temperature on my grief work. How am I doing?

I’ve been reading a book, “How to go on Living, When Someone you Love Dies”, by Therese A Rando, PhD. It is a rather comprehensive book of the grieving process, all kinds of grieving. In the Chapter on “What is Necessary to “Resolve” Your Grief”, it tells of a set of processes that must be completed. They are:

1. Experiencing the pain.

2. Reacting to the separation from your loved one.

3. Readjusting to the new world without your loved one.

4. Changing your emotional attachment to and investment in him.

So I ask myself, “How am I doing”?

It seems that I have been going through 1 and 2 over the last two years. Number 3 was started when my late husband entered the hospital and Number 4……..? Well, six months after his death, I might be starting to work on this one.

I keep asking myself, how did I get this far so fast? All I can say is that that the Lord is good and provided me the very best of friends, family, and people who were there for me every step of the way. I was able to cry and talk about my feelings, get information, and not feel so isolated knowing that others had experienced similar grief feelings. We all seemed to hold each other up with love and care.

The book goes on and gives a checklist of examples how one can know they have successfully resolved their loved one’s loss….

1. Remember their loved one without pain.

2. Mention him or tell stories about him without falling apart.

3. Express regrets without undue guilt.

4. Love others without feeling they are betraying the deceased.

5. Write the word “widow” without feeling abandoned.

I can honestly say I can do most of these. I acknowledge that there might be times of lapses but I understand this is normal and expected. It is not intended to wipe away the memory of your loved one but to adapt into a New Life without Forgetting the Old.

This involves…..

1. Developing a new relationship with the deceased.

2. Keeping your loved one “alive” appropriately.

3. Forming a new identity based on your being without this person and encompassing the changes you have made to adjust to his death.

4. Taking the freed-up emotional energy that used to be invested in your loved one and reinvesting it in other relationships, objects, activities, roles, and hopes that can offer emotional satisfaction back to you. “

This book has been very helpful to me. I am thinking of going back to school to finish my degree, making deeper commitments in friendships, and my focus in my work is coming back. Life is good. Thank you Lord!

I have also finished my Friendship Shawl. How appropriate for me to have finished it when I am completing my grief work. This shawl is a celebration of the friendship and support given me. I will be giving it to a very special friend. It is a garter stitch shawl with a Feather and Fan pattern knitted in to prevent the shawl from falling off the shoulders. I knit it dark red Superwash wool . Mornings are still chilly and should come in handy on those cold mornings.

Friendship Shawl

Feather & Fan pattern

Falling leaves

I was driving around doing some shopping and I could not help but notice more leaves on the ground and trees in multiple colors. In California, we have a very short changing of the leaves season. I usually do not notice this much as it goes by quickly, but today the evidence of “fall” was all around. The wind was blowing, large piles of red, orange and brown leaves littered the highways and lawns. I was overtaken by all of the color of it. I felt a little pang of regret that I have never been to the east coast to experience their “Changing of the Colors” in fall. Perhaps, someday.

All of this inspired me to get some decorations for Thanksgiving, as I plan to hostess the family dinner at my home this year. So I venture over to Michael’s, my favorite local craft store and my senses explode with the joy of ………………Christmas! There are Christmas decorations everywhere. The first Christmas carols I hear are being played over their intercom. Did I miss Fall? I must have blinked and it passed right by me.

Fortunately, I was able to find some left over Fall decorations in the clearance section. The next store I went, I had a similar experience. Doesn’t anyone celebrate Thanksgiving and fall anymore? How sad for the times? This little holiday is probably the most important one where we should appreciate, and give thanks to the God that blessed us.

Fall is such a quiet reflective time. As the leaves turn and die, falling slowly to the ground, one cannot help but think about our losses. Of course, heavy on my mind is my husband of 33 years. I am missing his presence in my life. He was a quiet man that preferred anonymity and the self-reflective times of listening to audiobooks or watching movies. He never really had any personal desires to go to places but pleasantly accompanied me and was good company in my desired excursions. Of course, some of these excursions, I went solo, but I am glad that this has given me some confidence and independence as I go through my future without him.

I also reflect of the losses of friends and family over the past few years. Some were lost to sudden accidents and some to illnesses. I miss them too, and grieve for their absence in my life and what the future may have been like, if they were alive today. I grieve for friends and family going through tough times economically now. Never before have we Baby Boomers experienced such a “Depression” like era that our parents experienced. It really makes us think about what is important. It gives us something to tell our grandchildren about our struggles that will inspired them to be survivors, just as the stories our grandparents and parents shared with us did.

Nevertheless, when leaves die, seeds are shed to grow new life. Death always brings renewal. My loss has lead me to renew friendships that are becoming very dear to me. I am striving to renew a purpose of servanthood, wherever I am needed, be it calling a friend that needs encouragement, or baking pumpkin bread to share with workmates and family. My days and nights are filled with purpose leaving me very little time to feel sorry for myself. Thank you, God, for this blessing. Isn’t He so great to know what we need and put opportunities out there for us to take on?

Grief work

I have been staring at my blog for the past 15 minutes realizing that I should write something soon. Some may be wondering how I am doing and others may be more interested in knowing what kind of fibery insights I may have to share. I do not have much to tell except that I am doing well.

I feel the pain of my grieving is getting less as I have passed the 3-month mark. There are moments that I miss Walter and I encounter things that trigger tears and sadness of him not being here, but I am learning to accept my situation more and move on.

As I get through the widow’s work of figuring out the paperwork associated with insurance, and financial settlements, I am feeling more confident. I have learned so much in a short period of time about insurance and IRA’s than I care to, but it is necessary to my survival, especially in these low economic times.

My work continues to be all consuming, as I struggle to add more management responsibilities to my all already overwhelming work responsibilities. I suppose I should feel good that my boss feels I am capable of doing the work, regardless of my loss. However, I have had to force myself not to take work home, as I need this time for me and my grief work. It becomes a shaky balance.

In thinking about grief, I realize we ALL do some kind of grieving in our lives. Everytime we have a disappointment or a loss of some kind whether it be personal, physical, relational or an object, some part of us not only feels sad, but it can cause a little part of us to die with it. Some of it can be resurrected and healed and others cannot. This means it is all part of the cycle of life and we should not hide from it but face it head on. When we do this, it may help us get through it quicker.

So my overall objective is to find “Joy” in life. Even our trials can be considered joyful. How? You might ask? Last Sunday, our teacher/pastor mentioned a Bible scripture, “Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever, you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4”. What a profound thought!

On the fibery front, I am getting ready to sort out my very large fiber collection and get rid of some of it. I must make room for my son and his family to move in, and I grieve the loss of my fiber storage places in our two spare bedroom. Nevertheless, it must happen and I will need to be selective as to what to keep for my projects. I am still working on my Friendship shawl from the fall issue of Spin-Off Magazine. My goal is to finish by Christmas.

With the holidays around the corner, I am looking forward to them. I love to have family around. Holidays are the times everyone comes home to rest and relax. I want to keep that tradition as long as possible and hope that it will continue to renew our peace and love for each other.