Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My Father's loss

My dad and I on father's day 2011
My blog has been rather silent since we buried my late husband. The days have been lazily passing us by as Fall enfolded in leaves turning colors, cooler weather approaching and days becoming darker. Little did I know we would be coming back to the same beautiful spot at Rose Hills to bury my beloved father, Raul. My 84 year old father passed away on Sept 25 from a massive stroke. We had a very lovely and memorable memorial service on Saturday. It was just as I wanted it to be….shared with family and friends sweet memories of the wonderful man he was.

As my dad had aged over the years and had grown increasingly uncomfortable with his physical health, I knew that time was short. And yet, I always thought we would have one more month everytime I saw him. He was so sharp and intelligent, even to his last day, as evidenced by his completion of a newspaper crossword puzzle.

I feel the loss of my mentor, my wise counselor, almost more than that of my husband. Perhaps it is because with Walter gone, I still had my father to be my “compass”, giving me direction and guidance. And now, I’ve lost both and feel somewhat adrift. The other day, I needed an explanation of “next of kin” in regards to how it is defined. I needed my father to explain to me the legal interpretation of this. We would always have wonderful talks. His intelligence and wisdom was always there for me.

So now, I feel alone and searching for a source of guidance. It causes one to strengthen faith in the Lord. Matthew 28:20 says “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” What comfort this is to me. I have to listen to that inner small voice of His Holy Spirit that dwells in me for guidance and strength.

I can feel all of those grieving thoughts come back to me, just when I thought I was ready to move on. Well perhaps this is a little different. The loss of a parent is different from a loss of a spouse. One you grieve the loss of security and stability and the other in addition to the others, you grieve the loss of romantic love and partnership. And yet….there is still hope on the horizon. There are others in the shape of people there to catch you from falling. Love and comfort is still out there waiting in the wings for when you are ready to accept it.