Thursday, November 17, 2011

Grieving: The Lowest Point

 My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.
No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….

After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?