Friday, September 24, 2010

September 18, 1976

Thirty four years ago, a young couple, celebrated their wedding day. Yes, it’s that important day again. This time ½ of us is not here. It the first hurdle of difficult days I will have to cross. I have been trying to contain my emotion with busyness and going out with friends. When my friends offered to take me some weekend to their condo near the beach, I thought what better weekend to be distracted than this weekend. I can’t help feel a little melancholy thinking how Walter will be missing this. If he were here we would most likely be taking a weekend away or if we wanted a more low key time, out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

Sept 24, 2010

Well, I have survived the weekend. In fact, it was rather enjoyable and lovely. My friends were perfect hosts and they kept me adequately busy with walks on the beach, enjoying a visit from their daughter, son-in-law, and their three lovely, enjoyable grandkids, a Woody Car Show where we met up with other friends, and shopping at a nearby marina. The things I enjoyed most were the walks on the beach and the serenity it brought to my spirit. The evenings as I went to bed were somewhat teary-eyed as I thought about Walter and wrote a letter to him, feeling that although he could not share it with me in presence, he could in spirit. Had he been able and fit, he would have loved everything about that weekend.

The week following has been stressful at work and nothing seemed to go right. I am trying to just let God lead the way. I am blessed to have good friends available just to chat and debrief my difficult days. To keep my spirits up, I bought myself an anniversary present of the whole TV series of Ally McBeal. It was one of my favorite shows. They really make me laugh and makes me feel that there are times when it is OK to be a little qwerky and deranged, and to not take life too serious all the time.

The other day I was going through my rather large stash of Acrylic yarn to give a convalescing friend who makes lap robes for the elderly and bed / wheelchair bound, and I got that itch again to start something new. I just couldn’t help myself. I found some Knitpicks Superwash Wool and started to knit a shawl for a friend. I am trying to do a few rows a night and hopefully, by Christmas, it will be done. This calming activity does me so much good as I laugh and watch Ally McBeal. I feel I am productive, despite the failures and disappointments at work. This hard week has me thinking of reconsidering my job options.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

Friday, September 3, 2010

Starting a New Life

Life does go on, as they say. There is no avoiding it. Either you can watch it go by or step up and get on the Carousel of Life. For me, I have chosen to get on and continue the merry go round of trying to survive in this world alone. Well, perhaps, not so alone.

I am finding the confidence to seek out renewing friendships and taking action to become involved in knowing my friends better and they me. It has been quite comforting and connecting. In fact, I am surprised to find it quite enjoyable. I almost feel like the real me has been lying dormant for a good portion of my life and now that there are no distractions I can actively participate in conversations that are interesting to me. I don’t know why this is such a surprise to me but it is.

My work continues to be a challenge, yet I still plug away and do the best I can there. My family and I support each other in so many ways. We have learned to help each other when needed. I’m just so glad we are all within 40 miles of each other. My home seems to be homebase for family gatherings, which keeps me from being lonely for too long. Family are always popping in to stay the night and it is wonderful. Neighbors are close-by with support as well.

As the holiday season starts, at least for my family, with Labor Day, it gives me a chance to think about knitting projects I will want to make as Christmas gifts. As my social life picks up, spending my time with friends, my knitting time is less, so I feel the need to get started early. I really want to try to do something with my handspun yarn. The start of fall brings thoughts of fiber festivals and wondering if I will attend this year. I am thinking I would love to go the Lambtown, USA in October. I will have to choose carefully who I can go with as I fear this will bring some pleasant and melancholy memories of the time Walter and I spent there together. It was our favorite fiber festival.

I feel God had given me an internship in managing all the aspects of a household for the last two years or so. My internship is over and now is when it really counts. Yet, I still have so much to learn about investing and growing money. It all seems so complicated. I am fortunate to have good tutors available in my parents and friends who can guide me in this. I am very blessed.

Isn’t God good? He has never let me down. I really love and trust him completely.