Still hanging around

I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but I am still alive and somewhat well. It's been a very stressful few months. I really haven't felt up to sharing yet. I hope to get myself together soon and share more with you at a later time. "Life is a challenge". Im reading a really good book called "The Road Less Traveled." It has alot of good insight.

Grieving: The Lowest Point

 My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.

No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….


After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?

My Father's loss

My dad and I on father's day 2011

My blog has been rather silent since we buried my late husband. The days have been lazily passing us by as Fall enfolded in leaves turning colors, cooler weather approaching and days becoming darker. Little did I know we would be coming back to the same beautiful spot at Rose Hills to bury my beloved father, Raul. My 84 year old father passed away on Sept 25 from a massive stroke. We had a very lovely and memorable memorial service on Saturday. It was just as I wanted it to be….shared with family and friends sweet memories of the wonderful man he was.


As my dad had aged over the years and had grown increasingly uncomfortable with his physical health, I knew that time was short. And yet, I always thought we would have one more month everytime I saw him. He was so sharp and intelligent, even to his last day, as evidenced by his completion of a newspaper crossword puzzle.

I feel the loss of my mentor, my wise counselor, almost more than that of my husband. Perhaps it is because with Walter gone, I still had my father to be my “compass”, giving me direction and guidance. And now, I’ve lost both and feel somewhat adrift. The other day, I needed an explanation of “next of kin” in regards to how it is defined. I needed my father to explain to me the legal interpretation of this. We would always have wonderful talks. His intelligence and wisdom was always there for me.

So now, I feel alone and searching for a source of guidance. It causes one to strengthen faith in the Lord. Matthew 28:20 says “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” What comfort this is to me. I have to listen to that inner small voice of His Holy Spirit that dwells in me for guidance and strength.

I can feel all of those grieving thoughts come back to me, just when I thought I was ready to move on. Well perhaps this is a little different. The loss of a parent is different from a loss of a spouse. One you grieve the loss of security and stability and the other in addition to the others, you grieve the loss of romantic love and partnership. And yet….there is still hope on the horizon. There are others in the shape of people there to catch you from falling. Love and comfort is still out there waiting in the wings for when you are ready to accept it.

Remembering 9/11

As we draw closer to the 10th year anniversary of 9/11, I peruse the LA Times and the question is asked all over the newsprint pages….”Where were you on 9/11, 10 years ago?” As I reflect on this I cannot help but feel the emotion that horrifying moment brought me upon hearing the event unfold…


I had just climbed into my car to drive my 14 year old son to school. The news station had been set on my car radio to alert me of traffic on the way. As we settled in the car, there was an announcement that the World Trade Center was on fire, and then a report that an airliner had crashed into it. Moments later the second tower was hit. My son and I sat horrified frozen in our seats, the car idling in the driveway, thinking, “OMG! What is happening?” Then came an announcement that the Pentagon was on fire. We sat there in stunned silence in fear and shock.

I started praying at that point hoping that people were being evacuated quickly. I finally was able to drive to my son’s school listening for updates and then the unimaginable happened….one of the towers collapsed. I prayed that people had got out safely knowing there were thousands of people in that huge building just arriving to work. I learned later that many had not evacuated safely and the brave firemen and emergency personnel, who were so dedicated to their mission of serving people had become victims too.

I cried for the loss and wondered how did this happen? Who was responsible for this? We must have been attacked. This was the first time in my life that such a large attack on US soil was successful. Was the US ever going to be the same? Our safe little sanctuary called the United States of America was no longer safe.

The world has changed since, and we mark the day with other significant events of War along with D-day and Pearl Harbor attack. We now fear for everything…our environment, our security, our neighbors, our identity, and yet something good has come because of it. Americans sought and turned to God.

It resulted in a united spirit of the people in hoping and believing that only God could save us through this disaster. The renewal of the Nation’s faith in God and love for each other continues to keep us grounded and together in remembering that our forefathers built this nation on faith in God. Only He has the power and gives us the inner strength to persevere in times of tragedy. We are not alone. Wherever there is tragedy, people come together in a common spirit of love, that our American freedoms allow us to express.

I think God was trying to get our attention. Many renewed their faith and turned to Him for comfort. Even now, when difficulties come, we know we can always rely on God to be there for us and put people in our paths to comfort and guide us. He has a plan for us and wants us to trust Him. Let us hope that these terrible memories continue to keep us focused on God and what is really important…to share love to others, just as he loved us and gave His life for us.

Part II: Saying Goodbye and Moving On

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent 33+ years loving and experiencing life together. However, this is what happened on July 19th at Rose Hills Memorial Park. It was a warm sunny day. My family and small extended family met to say our goodbyes as we buried Walter’s urn in his final resting place over looking the San Gabriel Valley. The view all around was beautiful. My pastor gave a very comforting service. My three sons and family surrounded me as I tenderly placed the urn in the vault for the final time. It was a very stirring moment. One I will cherish forever.

Loving sons comfort their mother

So officially, this signals the end of mourning right? The past year have been filled with wonderful friendships and yet, there IS something that I feel missing. I miss a man in my life,… a confidant, a someone to feel part of, a best friend with a unique perspective to run things by. I will never lose the love for my husband but perhaps, it is time to move on and to try to find some happiness again. Amazingly, I’ve discovered that it is easier to meet people via the internet, but it is not without dangers and risks. What relationship isn’t? No matter where you meet someone, there is a matter of trust that must be established. I am finding this harder than I thought. Yet, there is also some excitement of getting to know someone who is interested in you.

I am tredding through unknown territory, and it is at times frightening. I pray the Lord will find someone for me that is as good as Walter was. I would feel so blessed to have a person like that. People keep telling me I am still young and beautiful and that I will find someone. Yet, there is always that insecurity hiding within wondering am I really too old. I’m not that spring chick I used to be. Perhaps they will see and appreciate the beauty and experience within and rather than the aging beauty without.

I have also found comfort in knitting again, although my down time is getting rarer as I split my free time between exercising, enjoying music at a local concert, reading, and sitting knitting some slippers for charity. My goal is to knit up all the yarn that I still have, including my handspun yarn. I need some ideas for this that won’t be shrunk in the first wash by an unknowing knitter who does know about wool and hot water. Life is becoming interesting again and perhaps I’ll do some more traveling with friends. It seems I’ve become the “go girl”. I love driving my little Prius around town with my friends to places. The world is open wide for new experiences.

Diana and Granddaughter

I’m on Summer Break! Part I

When I asked for summer break I had a reason……..

I knew that it would be tough getting through major emotional events during this month and needed to help myself and my family cope. Being with each other is the best way we support each other for there is comfort in the presence of loving family. For sure, we love each other and feel nourished when we meet.

The first hurdle……Walter’s birthday on July 4. Little did I realize how much this would mean to me. I invited my sons and sister in law over like normal to have a BBQ. We had two guests come that turned out to have good attitudes and be enjoyable to be around. If anything, they kept our spirits up. One was a 10 yr old 6th grader. Instead of playing board games, the boys got out the Wii and played bowling and Mario to entertain our guest. The rest of us played with the grandkids, lounged around in the patio swing and read quietly until my 4 yr old granddaughter couldn’t take the waiting any longer and we lit up the fireworks in front of our house. Certainly, we missed Walter and we didn’t sing Happy Birthday to You this year. We will now have to remember that it is Independence Day, but in our hearts it will always be Dad’s birthday.

After such a nostalgic holiday, my two youngest adult sons and I planned to get away a few days in Las Vegas. We wanted to see some shows. This was a very special treat. One of my son’s has been playing in an orchestra for some community theatre shows on his summer break, so he was looking forward to being entertained rather than entertaining. We saw the Blue Man Show, which was very funny and interactive. At one point, the audience pushed yards and yards of toilet paper sized streamers from the back of the threatre to the front of the stage. It looked like a sea of white water covering the audience….what fun!!! Blue Men are three mime drummers that are very good. They use neon colored special effects and make up funny skits that involve the audience in them. I highly recommend their show.

The second show was “The Phantom”. I saw the Broadway production of “The Phantom of the Opera” in Los Angeles a few years back. For the Las Vegas show, they reduced it from a 3 ½ hr to a two-hour one-act program. The costumes and sets were great. The singing and music was wonderful too. However, I didn’t feel the emotional involvement with this production as with the original. I think that the cut in some scenes, sacrificed some of the emotion and compassion development that is involved in the show. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but have tears for the song, “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again”. I just thought of Walter.

Diana and the Blue M & M

Scott & Diana in the Venetian Hotel

Diana near the Lion's Den at MGM

Robby & Scott say "Cheese"

New York, New York-Las Vegas Style

Las Vegas Palazzo at night

The rest of the time we spent swimming in the lovely pool at Hard Rock Hotel, browsing the various Las Vegas Strip Casinos and shopping at MGM, Escalibur, Luxor, Venetian, Treasure Island and New York, New York. The boys couldn’t get away without riding the Roller Coaster. Our last stop was the M &M shop and I found the Blue M & M! There were four floors of M & M stuff!

So now I am preparing to do one of the final acts I have as a widow….laying Walter’s ashes to rest. Its almost a year now. I think it is time to give the family some closure and to give me permission to move on with my life. Although I have mixed feelings about this and to some extent I feel I am still grieving, people tell me this is normal. On the 19th, there will be a private gravesite gathering for family to pay final respects. The view is beautiful overlooking the San Gabriel Valley, where Walter and I grew up. This will be our final resting place.

Discovering Hope

Life can throw you for a loop with tragedy and difficulties that seems overwhelming to recover from. In my grief of losing my dear husband of 33 years, prayers were constantly sent to God hoping that He will help take away the pain and slowly revive hope in my heart. Is it possible to hope again? As I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband’s death, it helps me reflect on how far I have traveled through my grief process. I am still here. I am alive.

I have survived and I live each day with a hope, a smile and wonderment of what God has in store for me in daily blessings. He has grown in me a capacity to love and care for others in many different ways. Does one have to loose so much to appreciate how precious building relationships and nurturing them are in order to find some measure of happiness in this world? I have learned my lessons well. Life is just too short to fail to make meaningful connections in this world.


I am humbled by God’s grace, with a Thankful heart……..


Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14.