Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Eight Months of Reflection
Ever so often I indulge in a little reflection. It is almost eight months since Walter’s passing. Lately, memories flood my soul and I miss his silent strength and presence, especially in times of stress and trials. There are times I feel my faith in God is constantly tested as I have lately encountered more trials than some might experience.
I reflect on my coping styles and how God places the right people in my path and the right diversions to keep my spirits up and focused on him. I have never been one to panic in times of stress. Perhaps, this is because of my training as a nurse, that demands of me to exercise some self-control to function in life and death situations. I think that having this calm spirit helps a stressful situation rather than hurts it. People who are stressed fear loosing control and will seek out anything that resembles confidence and peaceful assurance.
Yet, this calmness can later catch up on a person. I succumb to feelings of being overwhelmed and need to seek a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Friends have been so wonderful and available to me for this. It surprises me to be so open and honest with them, sometimes not leaving any thought protected. Is this taking a risk? Perhaps. Yet, God has put in my path friends I trust, more than they know. I have always felt that being honest and open yields much better results than holding back. I expect honesty back, even if it hurts. I have a good capacity for forgiveness. God helps me with this. More and more I am learning to let go of hurts and disappointments as I realize it doesn’t help me move on if I keep them inside to fester and multiply.
I am starting to explore some outside support groups to seek information, and an impartial group to work out the stresses in my life. The hardest step is to go to the first meeting. I feel the need to build my support base beyond my inner circle. Perhaps this is an opportunity to discover additional supports available to me, as well as work on me. I have a choice to alter my behavior to influence the behavior of others. Life is all about choices, isn’t it? I can choose to keep things the way they are or the choice to change it or change the way I behave in it.
If there is anything I miss most with Walter’s absence, it may be the access to human touch. I have friends and family who are not shy about giving hugs. Our church has people who will come up to you to give a friendly hug greeting and this helps tremendously. My sons are not shy about hugs either. All of this helps. But there is something about the simple holding of one’s hand or the intimacy of a simple kiss that I have found myself grieving for.
I feel like I have survived the major hurdles of the calendar, ie. Wedding Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines’s day. Depression has come and gone throughout these times, but amazingly less than I expected. Supportive friends, family have helped as well as implementing coping strategies I’ve found in books on Widowhood . I still have Easter, Walter’s birthday and the 1st Anniversary of this death to cope with.
And throughout all of this I pray, for He is with me.
I cast all my cares upon you,
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.
Any anytime I don’t know what to do.
I will cast all my cares upon you.