Discovering Hope

Life can throw you for a loop with tragedy and difficulties that seems overwhelming to recover from. In my grief of losing my dear husband of 33 years, prayers were constantly sent to God hoping that He will help take away the pain and slowly revive hope in my heart. Is it possible to hope again? As I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband’s death, it helps me reflect on how far I have traveled through my grief process. I am still here. I am alive.

I have survived and I live each day with a hope, a smile and wonderment of what God has in store for me in daily blessings. He has grown in me a capacity to love and care for others in many different ways. Does one have to loose so much to appreciate how precious building relationships and nurturing them are in order to find some measure of happiness in this world? I have learned my lessons well. Life is just too short to fail to make meaningful connections in this world.


I am humbled by God’s grace, with a Thankful heart……..


Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14.

Tornado Tragedy and Hope

    I woke up early Monday morning and decided to check my Facebook page before going to work. I noticed some of the chatter coming from my nieces’, living in the Mid-west, seemed to be about finding missing friends. Horrified, I learned about the devastating tornado that wiped out ¾ of the town of Joplin, Missouri. I called my sister-in-law, who lives north of Joplin and was reassured that they were OK but a nephew barely survived, as he worked in the Joplin Walmart that was now mainly rubble. He lost his home and cars, but was safe and reunited with his family. The only one unaccounted for was a great-nephew who lived in a 3-story apartment which was flattened. We learned that he was not home at the time the tornado struck, which was an F5 tornado, one of the strongest deadliest tornados.

Great nephew Jay searches for belonging after tornado destroys his apartment.

 

The only thing found was his late dad's baseball glove, something to treasure.


His story is reported here.

   God is good. We had some stories of hope in this tragedy. One great-niece was to be married this weekend in Joplin. She had her wedding dress in the town Bridal shop. Although the shop was destroyed, there was one lone wedding dress hanging on a hanger. Lo and behold, it was hers. Her story with her fiance as they search for his sister right after the tornado is on video via this link, interviewed by Anderson Cooper of CNN. Be sure to see the video from this link.

    Another great-niece was to be married the week after. She was staying with her parents until the wedding and unfortunately, her parent’s home was destroyed. Nevertheless, she was able to recover all of her wedding stuff. When one goes through an ordeal like this, it makes us ask “Why, God?” “How is one to celebrate happiness when so many are so sad from this type of devastation”. She had thought of cancelling her wedding. However, many reassured her that it would give hope to see a new marriage start in the midst of tragedy. I believe it will strengthen the family bond and God will bless this couple as they go on to commit to one another in love.

     There are so many untold stories that show what the spirit of the heartland is all about. We Americans pull together in times of tragedy. This heartland is well known for its strong faith in God and well anchored Christian values. There is no second thought to acting on God’s commandment to “Love one another”. My niece, who is a Nurse Practicioner, has been volunteering her time working at the a local church performing first aid and helping to meet the needs of those who are now homeless or injured. There are many more volunteers that are unsung heros and have chosen to make a difference in this tragedy. I thank the Lord that he loves us and has put a spirit of love in us. May God always bless us all.

Nurture vs Nature

We are approaching Mother’s Day again. I had a chance to take my mother out to dinner, just the two of us. I was thinking how rare we’ve had in the past to talk about girly things over the last few years. Why is this? Until now, my whole life has focused so much on the men in my life; my father, my brothers, my husband and my sons. Life didn’t leave much time for female stuff. And now, I find myself back to being a female again. I have time for myself. I have a granddaughter to play dolls with. It is a much different mothering, than I am used to, but perhaps I should be thankful I have this opportunity.

I am feeling better about myself. Did I somewhat loose part of my femininity trying to compete and survive in a man’s world? I am discovering the beauty inside myself and around me. I have a chance to do the things my nature calls for in nurturing in a gentle way. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone other than myself and to please God.

Life is just too short to have each moment planned out. There is much you miss this way. I am now letting life unfold before me as a bud opens into a beautiful rose bloom. My friend C recently gave me the largest Florabunda blooming rose I have seen. It was gorgeous and touched my heart greatly. It was hard not to notice the lovely fragrance as well as the sweet peach color. It made me appreciate the nurturing she gave me and has given me over the last months since I lost my husband. I know we will be great friends and for once this mother is allowing myself to be nurtured as well as nurture others. I have missed this and this is one thing I have needed in a long time. I have not had a sister but she comes very close to one.

Mother’s Day not only makes me think of nurturing by women but also the nurturing that men are capable of that is a hidden character trait they should not fear to demonstrate. To some this makes them seem unmanly. However, to us women it makes us honor them more than ever with love and admiration in their manhood. Isn’t this how God is? I see my son gently interacting and patiently listening to his two children. Right now he is acting as mother and father and is doing a great job caring for them. I see another man friend helping to bring a bed-ridden female friend to church, generously giving of his time helping her to gain her independence. If more men would be like these self-sacrificing men, the world would be a better place.

Wouldn’t it be great to celebrate Nurturing Day at least once a year? Better still, nurturing should be celebrated every day.

The Truth about Inflation

I recently finished a hoodie made from the Leisure Arts booklet “Knit Hoodies for Kids”. It was a rather easy, simple pattern that I am sure to use again. I was trying to find a link where a booklet like this can be purchased to recommend it to others who might be interested. The first place I looked was Amazon.com and was astounded to find that the only one available was a used copy at…….are you ready?.......$282.42!!! I nearly fainted when I realized that the $8.95 book I bought might be a collectors item and out of print. I suspect this must be a mistake but it gave me quite a jolt. I have since found other copies online selling at as low as $7.95.

It made me recall a time I was looking for a fair isle book from Alice Starmore, a very famous reclusive and exclusive knitter from England, many years back. Everywhere I looked, this book was not available and there was no reprint date listed. I had heard this was one of the best books on Fair Isle knitting written. Fortunately, I found a copy in the United Kingdom on ebay, that of course, was inflated in cost but reasonable as opposed to the over $100 prices the US dealers were asking for. I caved and purchased the book, thinking that if ever I needed to unload something for some quick cash, I could always sell this book at the inflated prices as the current supply and demand market seemed to indicate at the time. I was even considering including it in my will and final instructions, so my heirs would not give it up frivolously when I was gone. Several years later, it was announced that Alice Starmore publishers was reprinting the book in “Paperback”! My dreams of having something of value came crushing down as the prices normalized. It did teach me a good lesson to take things at face value and in patience. If I have waited, I would have save myself some money.

I don’t know if the above example is what is happening to the “Hoodie” book or is it a case where some greedy seller trying to make a buck from trying to sell a good pattern book for over $200. Sometimes we are blinded to the truth. In reality, no one has taken the seller up on his offer. It’s nice to know that most people are not foolish and know they can get it cheaper at $7.95 or wait until it is reprinted.

With the economy so unstable, it should not be so surprising that desperate people will try desperate things and this could be one of them. I do hope that Amazon will be prudent and not be the means of fooling people into these overpriced schemes.

Bouncing back -Knitting a Hoodie

I’m recuperating from minor surgery at home. Although minor, I have some limited movement restrictions that have somewhat interfered with my daily activities. I cannot lift anything over 5 lbs., no squatting, avoid exercise, no driving for at least two weeks. This is so hard. One does not realize how much doing these very things is part of your life. Of course, this is a challenge for me as I had planned to do so many things at home during my Spring Break. I feel like a slug.

I’ve picked up my knitting again, as there is not much else I can do. I am making my grandson a hoodie. I found a great little Leisure Arts book called Knit Hoodies for Kids. It’s a top down pattern. I am using Caron One Pound acrylic worsted yarn in a yellow gold color. Yellow is Ben’s favorite color. The pattern is a placket neck pullover, raglan sleeve pattern with striped rows across the hood, bottom edging and sleeves. When done I am thinking of adding a Thomas the train patch or embroider it on. So far it has gone rather quickly with Size 5 and Size 8 knitting needles.

Yesterday, I saw a documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt. She has always been a woman I admired. I was very surprised to see her knitting in many of the film clips shown with her husband. It’s no wonder why many women knitted socks and warm clothing for the soldiers with this example to inspire the women left at home. What inspires me is her commitment to all people in fighting for human rights, her commitment to her husband and marriage despite his betrayal, and her inner strength to do the very best to make a life and purpose for herself and blossom into her own identity after her husband passed. People respected her and listened to her, even in her old age. I wonder how she would be thought of in today’s world?

Death & Taxes

There is a saying that….”The only thing you cannot avoid is death and taxes”. How true is this! That is why it’s a double wammy when you have to face both at the same time.


As a surviving spouse, I had to file my last “joint” income taxes return for my late husband and I. As I signed for my deceased husband on the dotted line, I was suddenly struck by the finality of this little act. We have filed a joint income tax return over the 33 years of marriage and this final act of marriage has such an impact, it made me face the reality of an ending of the BIG marriage responsibility. Yes, even in death, someone has to pay your taxes. I wonder whether divorced people feel the same when they sign on the dotted line of their divorce papers?

Until that moment of signing off that tax return, I had not realized I was truly unmarried. Next year I will be filing income taxes as a “Single”. I almost feel as if I have cut off a limb or something vitally important. I’m not sure I like this feeling of separation. Perhaps it might have been easier had one divorced and made a willful choice to separate from their partner, but this was not my choice. I expected him to be here helping me work out our taxes on Turbotax. I gathered up all the paperwork, W-2s, 1099’s and worksheets, as I had done in the past, and brought it to H&R Block.

The decision to hire someone was one of convenience rather than frugality. This is the one mistake I realize after the fact. Since I had everything in order ahead of time, all the tax person had to do was plug in the numbers and press a button for the software to compute the tax. I realize I could have done the same had I not been insecure with this uncertain stage in my life in widowhood. Coping is hard enough and I didn’t want to chance getting any taxes wrong. Going through an audit for the first time, without the support of my wise, intelligent helpmate, was not something I wanted to chance and therefore sought the expert’s advice and counsel. I suspect I will never look at a tax return in the same way again without feeling this loss.

In the end, I realize the Lord was with me every step in our finances, so I would not have a deep financial burden. There is no way I could have planned our spending in such a way as to come out even in our taxes. This is just more evidence how God provided for us in our time of need and even after death.

Eight Months of Reflection

Ever so often I indulge in a little reflection. It is almost eight months since Walter’s passing. Lately, memories flood my soul and I miss his silent strength and presence, especially in times of stress and trials. There are times I feel my faith in God is constantly tested as I have lately encountered more trials than some might experience.

I reflect on my coping styles and how God places the right people in my path and the right diversions to keep my spirits up and focused on him. I have never been one to panic in times of stress. Perhaps, this is because of my training as a nurse, that demands of me to exercise some self-control to function in life and death situations. I think that having this calm spirit helps a stressful situation rather than hurts it. People who are stressed fear loosing control and will seek out anything that resembles confidence and peaceful assurance.

Yet, this calmness can later catch up on a person. I succumb to feelings of being overwhelmed and need to seek a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Friends have been so wonderful and available to me for this. It surprises me to be so open and honest with them, sometimes not leaving any thought protected. Is this taking a risk? Perhaps. Yet, God has put in my path friends I trust, more than they know. I have always felt that being honest and open yields much better results than holding back. I expect honesty back, even if it hurts. I have a good capacity for forgiveness. God helps me with this. More and more I am learning to let go of hurts and disappointments as I realize it doesn’t help me move on if I keep them inside to fester and multiply.

I am starting to explore some outside support groups to seek information, and an impartial group to work out the stresses in my life. The hardest step is to go to the first meeting. I feel the need to build my support base beyond my inner circle. Perhaps this is an opportunity to discover additional supports available to me, as well as work on me. I have a choice to alter my behavior to influence the behavior of others. Life is all about choices, isn’t it? I can choose to keep things the way they are or the choice to change it or change the way I behave in it.

If there is anything I miss most with Walter’s absence, it may be the access to human touch. I have friends and family who are not shy about giving hugs. Our church has people who will come up to you to give a friendly hug greeting and this helps tremendously. My sons are not shy about hugs either. All of this helps. But there is something about the simple holding of one’s hand or the intimacy of a simple kiss that I have found myself grieving for.

I feel like I have survived the major hurdles of the calendar, ie. Wedding Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines’s day. Depression has come and gone throughout these times, but amazingly less than I expected. Supportive friends, family have helped as well as implementing coping strategies I’ve found in books on Widowhood . I still have Easter, Walter’s birthday and the 1st Anniversary of this death to cope with.

And throughout all of this I pray, for He is with me.

Cares Chorus


I cast all my cares upon you,


I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.


Any anytime I don’t know what to do.


I will cast all my cares upon you.


~Kelly Willard