Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down (A Carpenter song)

The weather has changed to fall. Days are cooler, the sun sets earlier and rises later. I suppose some feelings of melancholy are inevitable. Soon it will be three months since Walter passed. I am missing him more each day. The rainy days seem so much more lonely and quiet. The thunder fills the house with empty echos. I curl up and cuddle up to a pillow instead of him. However, God has planned a change.

My son and his family with my two very active grandchildren will be moving in with me for awhile. There are a lot of reasons for this and it seems like this is the best solution for everyone concerned. Still, it will be an adjustment. I will be giving up my quiet and solitude. It will be harder to have privacy and quiet. I will need to find a place of sanctuary within my home. This is a place I can retreat to find my inner peace and listen to God and knit away my thoughts and dreams.

Much has to be done to get ready to have five more people living in the home. I will have to buckle down and get rid of the lifetime of accumulated things. I have saved them, hoping to have them useful someday. I’ve come to a point in my life that “someday” is now past. The things have outlived their usefulness and now these things are just in the way. With Walter’s death, it has become very enlightening to me that you can’t take these “things” with you when you die, so why am I keeping them? Yes, some things are still sentimental and I keep a few because they hold a special memory tied to them. So…..I will be passing some of those “things” around…..some to those who have their own memories to keep and remember, and to those who will make new memories of the “things”.

My new focus will be people and relationships, not “things”. God will provide what I need. He always has. This focus was not easy before, as Walter was somewhat anti-social, but God has given me a second chance to “serve mankind”. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet and I must not give up hope. I still can do some service in this world, whether it be in my work, in my friendships or in any other encounter. I am sure God will lead me to the opportunities to minister to people and in this process, I will find a healing from my grief. I have always felt better to be needed and feel an increased self-esteem if I can fill a need.

So as I contemplate the “rainy days and Mondays”, I have hope that after the rain, there will always come the sunshine, and I will be on “the top of world” (a Carpenter song) looking, not down as a God would, but “over” as a helping partner. This is my dream. Is it too much to ask for?

Getting on with Life: Lambtown USA 2010

Several weeks ago, I made a trip to Oceanside with some friends. It was Walter and My Wedding Anniversary. I feel I survived this well enough to feel confident to attempt a trip a little further away from home.

Lambtown in Dixon, CA is an Annual Sheep and Fiber Festival. I asked a friend to go with me this year. This was also a festival that Walter and I enjoyed going to. He liked the animals and I liked the fiber competitions. One year, I had been bold enough to compete myself and came in a decent 3rd out of about a 10 contestants in the Spinning Contest the first year they had this contest. My friend C, is a widow, too, and I felt it would do us both some good to get away and do something enjoyable. Although she wasn’t as interested in fibercrafts as much as I, I think she enjoyed some of it. We were a little disappointed that some regular events such as Mutton Bustin’, Sheep Dog Herding Trials, and Sheep Shearing Competition were cancelled. However, there was still a lot going on and I hope you will bear with my commentary on some of the events.

Lovely Gentle Alpacas

Sheep Ready for Competition

Ungroomed sheep: Ready for Mischief

Jacob sheep

There were a Sheep Show and an Alpaca show. Several breeds of sheep were competing. I especially liked the Jacob sheep that had brown, black and white spots with horns. These are called Jacob sheep because of the Bible passage in Genesis 30, where Abraham agreed to only claim the spotted sheep from his father-in-law, Laban’s, flock to build his own wealth.

My friend liked the Alpacas. They were very cute and gentle. They make such gentle cooing sounds, nothing like the baa-ing of a sheep. There were two or three barns of the alpacas in various black, browns, tans and white colors. Their fur is one of the softest, warmest fiber and is used to make nice comfortable garments.

Weaving a Shawl in the Sheep to Shawl Competition

Judging the winning Shawl: I love the colors

The Sheep to Shawl competition had three groups competing. Only two groups finished on time in 4 ½ hours. The wool this year was CVM (California Varigated Mutant). They created a beautiful shawl. It was fun watch the seven team members, card the dyed fiber, spin it, ply it and weave it on a loom.

A Very Fine Orenburg Lace Shawl: Amazingly Fine

The Vendor hall was full with a variety of Fibers, yarns and accessories for sale. There wer e also some beautiful fleeces to buy and it was very hard to control myself from buying another fleece. I still have some fleeces I purchased a year ago that need to be processed. I may have to send them to get processed professionally. I ended up getting some beautiful BFL/silk blend roving and 2 ropes in the colors of reds and blues of merino/silk and merino/bamboo roving to spin. I was simply fascinated with the Carding demonstration of a Patrick Green production Supercard carding machine. If I ever wanted to process fiber in great qualities, this would be ideal. Alas, I will have to be content with my Patrick Green Deb’s Deluxe for small projects.

There was a Best Spinner Contest this year made up of 5 contestants. The prize this year was a Spinolution Spinning Wheel. We watched as the contestants were given different mystery fibers and demonstrated their spinning abilities. We didn’t stay for all the competition but enjoyed watching what we saw.

Handspinning Competition

The music on the Stage was very enjoyable. They had some Christian, Dixieland, Blues and Bluegrass groups, as well as demos from children’s Dance studio and Karate clubs. We spent a lot of time listening to them.

One of the best things this year was the Food. There were several vendors and a rule this year was that each one had to sell at least one lamb product. After watching a Lamb cooking demonstration, we dug in and bought a BBQ Lamb Sampler: loin, chop & ribs from Superior Farms Vendor. It was absolutely delicious.

A Very Creative Display of Dyed Skeins of Handspun Yarn

Lambtown was a nice weekend get away. We survived it and enjoyed each other’s company. I feel like another hurdle has been crossed. I am still alive and look forward to the next adventure.

Widow's Work

One doesn’t realize that being a widow has a very unique list of tasks associated with it. Using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs there is….

Basic Survival: When a loved one dies, a widow may not be aware of her own needs. She has been so focused on taking care of another, especially if the loved one was ill, that it may take some time to realize that she is still alive. Once this sets in, careful attention is paid by others or oneself to ensure that these basic needs are met, i.e food, shelter, keeping body well, enough sleep, etc. Yes, “life” goes on…..

Safety: A person takes for granted her safety needs while her spouse or loved one is alive, knowing that she can call upon them to help her feel secure and safe, even when not physically present. She knows that she has someone to come home to. She feels protected. Once, that spouse leaves or dies, she has to rethink her resources for safety. Never again will she look at her house and surroundings in the same way. She has to be more vigilant as she enters her residence or arrange to have backup friends, neighbors, pets, family on speed dial or quickly available to help her when her safety is compromised.

Psychological-Love & Belonging: Connecting with other people is vital. Established friendships need to be nurtured and new friendships established. If there are few resources available from family or acquaintances, this is where support groups are helpful. A widow has a lot to deal with psychologically. To get a handle on it, having a friend or family member she can share with, and support her emotionally is so important to moving through the phases of grief. I am trying to send thank you cards to all who took the time to send me a card, do something special for me, or gave me a gift. This is my affirmation that I am loved and cared for. It’s a small task of acknowledgment to send a thank you, but so important to moving through my grief and connecting with people.

Self-Actualization: Building confidence & Self-esteem—Now the hard work of widowhood begins. On the task list: making calls to family, friends, employers and businesses, making claims for life insurance and benefits, planning a budget, getting bills paid, making decisions about living arrangements, taking trips and celebrating holidays/special days without your loved one. As some of these get taken care of, one may also explore doing different and new things that was not done with the spouse. These are all things that build that confidence and work through the grief. I deliberately did not say “ease” the grief. Everyone has a different intensity of the grief they experience and one person’s grief does not fit all. However, building one’s confidence and self-esteem will make life much more worth the living.

Some people are saying that I am doing extremely well with my widowhood. I feel blessed that I have had the very best of resources to support me, a loving family, committed friends, a sense of security and a confidence in my abilities. I know, however, that there will be times of insecurity and emotional instability but, I am blessed with a God, who loves me and will take care of me. My faith in Him is very strong and unwavering.

My supports….

My Traveling friend



My family



My Bible Study friends

September 18, 1976

Thirty four years ago, a young couple, celebrated their wedding day. Yes, it’s that important day again. This time ½ of us is not here. It the first hurdle of difficult days I will have to cross. I have been trying to contain my emotion with busyness and going out with friends. When my friends offered to take me some weekend to their condo near the beach, I thought what better weekend to be distracted than this weekend. I can’t help feel a little melancholy thinking how Walter will be missing this. If he were here we would most likely be taking a weekend away or if we wanted a more low key time, out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

 

Sept 24, 2010

Well, I have survived the weekend. In fact, it was rather enjoyable and lovely. My friends were perfect hosts and they kept me adequately busy with walks on the beach, enjoying a visit from their daughter, son-in-law, and their three lovely, enjoyable grandkids, a Woody Car Show where we met up with other friends, and shopping at a nearby marina. The things I enjoyed most were the walks on the beach and the serenity it brought to my spirit. The evenings as I went to bed were somewhat teary-eyed as I thought about Walter and wrote a letter to him, feeling that although he could not share it with me in presence, he could in spirit. Had he been able and fit, he would have loved everything about that weekend.

The week following has been stressful at work and nothing seemed to go right. I am trying to just let God lead the way. I am blessed to have good friends available just to chat and debrief my difficult days. To keep my spirits up, I bought myself an anniversary present of the whole TV series of Ally McBeal. It was one of my favorite shows. They really make me laugh and makes me feel that there are times when it is OK to be a little qwerky and deranged, and to not take life too serious all the time.

The other day I was going through my rather large stash of Acrylic yarn to give a convalescing friend who makes lap robes for the elderly and bed / wheelchair bound, and I got that itch again to start something new. I just couldn’t help myself. I found some Knitpicks Superwash Wool and started to knit a shawl for a friend. I am trying to do a few rows a night and hopefully, by Christmas, it will be done. This calming activity does me so much good as I laugh and watch Ally McBeal. I feel I am productive, despite the failures and disappointments at work. This hard week has me thinking of reconsidering my job options.


Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.


In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.


This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,


“You promised me Lord,


that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”


The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary Stevenson, 1936

Starting a New Life

Life does go on, as they say. There is no avoiding it. Either you can watch it go by or step up and get on the Carousel of Life. For me, I have chosen to get on and continue the merry go round of trying to survive in this world alone. Well, perhaps, not so alone.

I am finding the confidence to seek out renewing friendships and taking action to become involved in knowing my friends better and they me. It has been quite comforting and connecting. In fact, I am surprised to find it quite enjoyable. I almost feel like the real me has been lying dormant for a good portion of my life and now that there are no distractions I can actively participate in conversations that are interesting to me. I don’t know why this is such a surprise to me but it is.

My work continues to be a challenge, yet I still plug away and do the best I can there. My family and I support each other in so many ways. We have learned to help each other when needed. I’m just so glad we are all within 40 miles of each other. My home seems to be homebase for family gatherings, which keeps me from being lonely for too long. Family are always popping in to stay the night and it is wonderful. Neighbors are close-by with support as well.

As the holiday season starts, at least for my family, with Labor Day, it gives me a chance to think about knitting projects I will want to make as Christmas gifts. As my social life picks up, spending my time with friends, my knitting time is less, so I feel the need to get started early. I really want to try to do something with my handspun yarn. The start of fall brings thoughts of fiber festivals and wondering if I will attend this year. I am thinking I would love to go the Lambtown, USA in October. I will have to choose carefully who I can go with as I fear this will bring some pleasant and melancholy memories of the time Walter and I spent there together. It was our favorite fiber festival.

I feel God had given me an internship in managing all the aspects of a household for the last two years or so. My internship is over and now is when it really counts. Yet, I still have so much to learn about investing and growing money. It all seems so complicated. I am fortunate to have good tutors available in my parents and friends who can guide me in this. I am very blessed.

Isn’t God good? He has never let me down. I really love and trust him completely.

It's the little things.....

This is a time of slow and careful reflection, as you can well imagine. Despite the busyness of work and family, I still have a lot of time to think. I think about the past year and a half and what we’ve been through. I think about the shock of Walter’s diagnosis and as this news sank in, the journey toward building faith, trust and acceptance that God is in control no matter what happens. Even beyond this, the realization that God chooses things to work perfectly and I have no doubt he will continue to do this in my life.

I think about the little things God has taught me through this experience, the little lessons in character building.

Patience

I always thought that when God was handing out gifts, he had given me an extra share of patience. Nevertheless, he made sure to give me an extra helping with Walter’s illness. There was so much waiting: waiting in doctor’s offices, waiting for lab and diagnostic results, waiting during chemo treatments, waiting to speak to the doctors during the eight hospitalizations Walter experienced, waiting for the morning to come to report a concern, waiting at home to care for him. Although these periods had the potential for causing extreme anxiety, God also gave me a means of calming my heart and hands and listening to him….my knitting. I made Walter arm warmers, hats and mittens to keep him warm. At other times I made socks and hats for others. It was very comforting and productive and each finished object rewarded me for my patience.

Trust

When one hears the diagnosis of cancer, there is a natural reaction to ask God, “Why? Why us? Why now?” When you can get through the shock and disbelief and accept it, one moves through to, “Ok, God. It is there, so will you help us get through this?” There is just no other alternative but to trust that He knows all, He will be in control, and He has a plan.

Compassion and kindness

This is very different from pity and sympathy. Compassion is having a deep heartfelt understanding of another’s plight and imagining what it is like for the other in pain and discomfort. Anyone can “ pity” and have sympathy for another, but compassion goes a step further and does something to make another feel better. I have had a measure of compassion for others, being a nurse as my profession. It’s not always easy to feel the same for a family member, or a person you live with day in and day out. I had to dig deep to show that compassion and caring when Walter was stubborn and I felt he wasn’t doing his part to get better and follow doctor’s recommendations. Despite my fatigue from my 8-9 hr job, I was able to come home to make him comfortable and respond to his needs at a very intimate level. I think he recognized that this was truly from a “Love” for him, no matter how difficult he was. He would frequently say, “How will I ever make it up to you?” His acknowledgement was all I needed.

Courage and inner strength

I suppose it could have been easier to fall apart and let others take over. However, this was never acceptable for me. I have always felt better to have a small measure of control in my life. Looking ahead at the realization of the impact that cancer can do to a person and their future was frequently frightening. There were several times I was so overwhelmed I struggled with depression myself. Yet, there was a realization that a lot of people were counting on me; my workmates and the families and children I serve, my family who looked to me as an anchor in keeping the family home going, and my dear husband who learned to be totally dependent on me, when he could not advocate for himself among the medical professionals caring for him. It took tremendous courage and strength to keep my emotions under control and not break down in a helpless heap of tears. When things seemed overwhelming, I turned it over to God and let him take care of us, which he did in everyway. He lead us to compassionate medical staff at the City of Hope, and he sent people to help us apply for benefits to keep our finances and bills taken care of. He brought generous friends and family who gave us respite and gifts of encouragement. This all helped me have strength and courage to keep functioning, making decisions to get through each day.

Even now, as Walter has passed and I miss him terribly, I keep that courage and strength going as I now have to find a new future without him and a new life. I feel I have become a better person from this experience and hope in some small way I can pass on some of this to those I come in contact with.

“I believe…..Help Thou my unbelief

I walk into the unknown trusting like a child….”

From a Bill Gaither Song

Redefining My Purpose

It is hard to believe it is almost a month since Walter passed. I still feel like I’m living in a dream that I will wake up from and he will be coming home from the hospital soon.

The Memorial Service and reception was perfect in everyway. We had a beautiful California day in the 80s which is unusual for August. About 150 people attended and most stayed for the reception after. There was good food, good sharing all around and so many generous donations of deserts by the attendees. Everyone had wonderful things to say about Walter. I especially liked the funny things they said which were heartwarming and reflected the Walter I knew who made me laugh. I had a chance to greet most from different groups of people; family, friends, co-workers: mine and his, neighbors and church friends. I really felt we were one big family, which is what I hoped for in this gathering. It felt like a homecoming, meeting in the church Walter and I met, grew in the Lord and married.

As my family and I deal with our grief, we are blessed to have our work to distract us. My sons and I are back to work, trying to live our lives with a special memory of Walter kept in our hearts and with some peace that he is having some interesting conversations with the Lord in Heaven. This gives my heart a great sense of peace and comfort….one that surprised me. As our pastor put it “How can we live in this world without knowing the Lord?” For some reason I don’t have the gut-renching emptiness I had expected. I am at peace, assured where Walter is and that I will someday join him. I have no regrets or guilt to carry. Walter and I were at peace with whatever the outcome was to be. Of course, I will miss him greatly and wholeheartedly….but God is not done with me yet. I feel my purpose goes beyond serving my husband as a wife. I feel I still have a purpose to fulfill.

So as I try to piece my life back together and figure out what direction the Lord will guide me, I have slowly picked up my knitting again. I am working on simple baby socks. I need small projects right now as my attention span is short and there is much I have to figure out with paperwork and maintaining the house, which is now my sole responsibility. I am thankful for a home base my family can come to for respite and relaxation.