Fighting Depression

Although knitting has been my salvation as my husband and I go through the ups and down of his illness, his emotional reserves are beginning to wear thin. With three hospitalizations since February and the interruptions these events have caused in postponing some of his chemo treatments, there hasn’t been the expected remission. Doctors are considering a different kind of chemo. W’s battles fatigue daily and he is starting to have pain in his legs when standing, which leads him to be even more sedentary and weak.

The other day I mentioned that there is a wool festival in Oregon called Black Sheep Gathering in June and asked if he wanted to go. He said yes! That very night he wanted to go for a walk to build up his strength to attend the festival. We have one full month to work on planning it. My boss has approved some time off for me so we can attend. We are both excited to be going. Of course, I am hoping his new chemo won’t interfere with this weekend trip. We are praying we can work around it and have plans in place so we can go.

On the knitting sphere, I finished the baby sweater to go with the socks I made with Bernat “Sox” yarn. It was a simple dropped sleeve stockinette cardigan with a shawl collar. I am blocking it so I can put it together. I love the color. I am hoping it can be worn by a boy or girl.

Having made this sweater, I am getting an itch to start another sweater. I have always admired Elizabeth Zimmerman’s patterns. I would like to try the Yoke Sweater from the Knitting Workshop. It looks simple enough. The problem is finding the perfect yarn that will not break the bank. I bought some Caron pound yarn to explore using it for a sweater, but I think this yarn is more appropriate for a blanket than a sweater. I am also considering using the skeins of Cascade Ecological Wool I have. I have some time to explore options of colors for the yoke as the body and sleeves are knitted up first. By the time I finish with these parts, I will have picked a pattern or chart for the yoke and either found some colored yarn in my stash or dyed it to the colors I want.

Warmer weather also leads to thoughts of spinning and cleaning fiber. I started to sort though my fiber stash today and have carded some batts of Coopworth for spinning. After all, if we go to Black Sheep Gathering, I would like to purchase a fleece if I find a good one at a reasonable price. I am going to try to spin a worsted weight yarn. I am trying to choose a color to dye it. Perhaps I will spin it with a ply of alpaca so it would be softer. I also received my order of Mill end rovings from Sheep Shed. I've been spinning up a lovely blue roving into a dk to worsted wt yarn. It is really lovely. So many choices and there is so little time.

Reflections on Life

My Spring Break is over, although it wasn’t much of a break since my husband was in the hospital. I spent six hour days every day attending to him. Being a nurse has its benefits. I haven’t done hospital nursing in awhile but the skills came back quickly. I feel blessed that I had this time with my husband. It helped to draw us closer than ever. He was a very good patient.

I’m glad I had this time to also reflect on our financial situation. I trust God implicitly and know he will provide. He always has. It has been a bit of a challenge navigating through the paperwork of applying for disability and budgeting so that all the bills can be covered. Nevertheless, I feel God will provide me with a measure of wisdom to do this. If nothing else, this certainly is a opportunity for setting priorities and maintaining what we have.

On the fiber front, I have tried to return to spinning. I continue to spin with Alpaca although the weather is turning warm with 100 degree heat today, so I am considering exploring dyeing this weekend instead. I’m afraid I fell off the fiber wagon and ordered some superwash roving from Sheep Shed studios. This will be great for dyeing too. If things get tough financially, perhaps I can sell some fiber/knit/crochet creations. Although, I hate selling in general. Salespeople have a special gift and this is not one I’ve been given. I would rather give things away than sell them.

This weekend, we has some very old friends from my high school days come to visit us. They were amazed at my spinning wheel. Although some were allergic to wool, they touched and petted the alpaca I was spinning. It is hypo allergenic. I have read that there is some debate whether a wool allergy is a true allergy. When I asked my allergist about wool allergy, he said that there isn’t a true wool allergy. I’ve heard this echoed from other medical professionals. Yet, when you ask those with the allergies, they describe symptoms that one would only surmise to guess are symptoms of an allergic reaction. There needs to be more research about wool allergies. I have not been able to find any recent studies on this topic.

Warming the Heart

Written 4/12/09

I finished knitting Walter’s sweater. I’ve been blocking the pieces so I can sew it up and put on neckband.It came out quite nice and with using Bulky weight Bernat Alpaka yarn it finished up fast.
My husband has been in the hospital lately, with a heart condition, and this has caused me to be in a knitting frenzy as the moment. With his particular kind of cancer, he is very sensitive to cold, being that his outer skin layer wants to dry out and flake off……..constantly. We don’t really appreciate what our skin does for us until we loose it. It provides our bodies with an insulating layer. When it is thin and exposed, air causes our skin to dry, feeling the cold weather or air more. This triggers a “shivering” response from the brain which sends the message to the body to get moving the muscles to warm it up. Well you get the idea. The heart also gets going faster, sometimes so fast, that it was quite worrisome to some of the nurses, in my husband’s case. So I have been knitting up leg warmers and arm warmers. I have a few skeins of a Valley Yarns Berkshire Bulky. It’s just a K2 P2 in the round pattern but I am hoping to just slip these on W whenever he starts to shiver.

As a temporary measure, until I can get these knitted up. I’ve finshed my Woodland Shawl. It is a lovely green in a leaf pattern made with Lisa Souza Alpaka/Wool lace weight yarn. It is so soft and warm, I just wrap it around any cold part and it warms up nicely. A little too feminine perhaps but when you’re cold and uncomfortable, you will do anything to get warm.

Another quick project I started to break up the monotony is the Ball Band Washcloth from Mason Dixon Knitting. I have always wanted to try this pattern. This is an amazing pattern. It reminds me of a brick wall. It is inspiring me to make other things with this pattern, i.e. flower pots, tissue paper covers, baskets, etc. I have alot of acrylic to use up.

Stress Survival

It has been awhile since I have blogged. We have had a lot to deal with lately. After the 3rd Chemo treatment for my husband’s T-cell lymphoma, his immune system let us down, when he suddenly came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized for a week. He is home now recovering, however, regaining his strength has been slow and it looks like he will go on medical leave until the chemo is done and his strength comes back or remission happens. Soo…we are planning to tighten our belts and be frugal.

Frugality has me going through thrift shops, hunting for old sweaters to frog and trying to knit from my stash. I never was a big spender, when it comes to yarn. Michaels, Walmart and JoAnn’s suit me fine. If I need a better fiber like wool, I will make it myself, as I still have several fleeces to knit from. I love being self-sustaining. Raising three kids on one income so I could be home with them when they were young, gave me good skills in frugality. Some lessons learned never leave you. I also grew up in a home where my parents always saved money and were frugal as well.

One of the side effects of my husband’s disease is that his skin seems to be flaking off constantly, leaving him very sensitive to cold. So just when I thought it was too late to knit a warm sweater in March in California, an opportunity presents itself. I started a soft sweater for him. Initially, it was to be a vest, but he says he wants his arms covered too. I found this soft Bernat Alpaca Yarn, which is 70% Acrylic and 30% alpaca. When I saw it and touched it, I could not resist. It will be very comfy on his delicate skin and be very warm with the alpaca fiber in it. The sweater pattern is just a plain stockinette sweater. The pattern is from Ann Budd’s “The Knitter’s Handy Book of Patterns”. This very versatile book has patterns for socks, gloves, vests, hats, tams, sweaters and cardigans in all sizes and gauges. This is a gem of a book. Everyone should have this is their library.

I also am making a hat for him out of the same yarn. However, I’m not sure he will wear a hat. Spring and warmer weather are coming and he may not need one.
I must say my knitting has been very comforting to me. The stress from work this time of year, my husband’s health, and additional home responsibilities have been tremendous. I have developed a tick in my left eyelid from the stress. Knitting has helped me to relax and maintain my sanity and health. With my husband being so prone to infections, I cannot afford to get sick now. I listen to knitting podcasts for entertainment and company when I am waiting in doctor’s offices or hospital rooms. I’ve even discovered a knitting TV show to watch. I think it’s called “Knitting and Crochet for Today”. God is Good!

Winter thoughts and knitting

The last few weeks have been spent trying to cope with my husband’s diagnosis and the news of the need for IV chemotherapy rather than a less invasive kind of treatment, which means that his present condition is much more serious than previously thought. I am grateful for the generous outpouring of love and emotional support offered from friends and family. Words cannot express how much this has held me up and encouraged me to forge ahead with whatever is to come.

My knitting has kept me company and calm while waiting with my husband for doctor’s visits and CT scans. I finished the Fibonacci moebius. We have had a spell of rainy, cooler weather and this has been very nice to wear. It is made with a wool/acrylic blend called Amity. It reminds me of a scarf worn by Hungarian ladies in winter or something you would see in Dr. Zhivago.
With the colder weather, I was inspired to pull out the UFO Woodland shawl. I love this leaf lace pattern. It is made with some Baby Alpaca/silk from Liza Sousa , which is very soft and lusciously warm. As my shawl grew longer and longer, I found myself wrapping it around my neck and shoulders as I knitted. I was about to run out of yarn when I realized the last 12 rows had a different pattern. I will need to rip it back a little so that I can have enough yarn to finish it. I had only purchased one skein but it was over 700 yds of fingering wt. I think this was my most extravagant purchase at $44 a skein, but it certainly was and is worth it. It is so wonderful to knit with and will be absolutely sumptuous to wear.

Since I am trying to stay with my New Years resolution of finishing a UFO before I started new project, I turned back to the Hey Teach sweater. This yarn is a yellow cotton. The lace pattern is very easy. I’ve almost finished the back of the sweater and will soon start the front sides. It is actually a cardigan and will be nice to wear with the warmer weather. I am wanting to knit some more hats. I have a friend who just recently under went some brain surgery and will be needing a hat. I need to start doing something with my handspun yarn and I think hats are a good way to use it up. Hats are quick projects and with the weather as it is, hats are always needed somewhere. My husband will be starting his chemo on Monday. I have no idea if he will lose his hair, what little there is, but as he has been very sensitive to cold lately, a hat will be something to help him stay warm.

For Better or Worse: Lymphoma

I have tried to start this several times and I’m still struggling with how to write about what’s happening to our family. There is just no easy way to put it….My husband has been diagnosed with Cutaneous T-cell lymphoma, a blood/skin cancer. What started as red, dry skin turned out to be cancer. Never in a million years did I imagine that this would end up to be cancer.

My years of being a nurse has trained me to be calm and not panic but there are moments that my mind succumbs to the many possibilities. I try not to get ahead of myself, but I’ve always been a person who considers the road ahead. Only this time, it is very fuzzy and this is a bit unsettling. I feel that this is a situation where I have no choice but to let God take over. I have to surrender to His Will. This is something that can be so overwhelming, only He can calm my heart and give me and my husband the strength to get through it. Experience has shown me how God can give me strength of mind and spirit when I need it most, and I have no doubt He will do just that in this situation.

As I slowly inform family and friends of the diagnosis, it is so hard to know how best to respond to their messages of sympathy and support. On one side it is nice to know that so many care, and on the other it seems I end up comforting them rather than they comforting me. Is this the nurse in me? I know they are afraid for me and my husband. There are times, I am afraid for myself.

I still haven’t heard from many and even this I understand because I have fallen into this uncomfortable situation myself. When one hears the bad news of someone having “cancer”, it is just very difficult to know what to say, so you say nothing. You want to say something that will comfort and reassure but there are so many unknowns you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Along the way, you eventually get up enough courage to say something to show you care.

While my husband continues to undergo tests to determine the extent of his disease and the course of treatment needed, I imagine that this will be a long road towards remission. With the advances in health care, better treatments are giving better outcomes and I am hopeful.

Life goes on and even as I grow older, I am learning to appreciate everyday the beauty in this world, the special moments I share with him, and the togetherness we have held these 32+ years. My parents will be celebrating 60 years of marriage this year. They are wonderful examples of love, sacrifice, long-suffering, and commitment The glue of love is strong in our families.

CD Coaster Pattern and Finished Project

I’ve finished the Babies & Bears Sweater for my Grandson. It came out very cute but I’m not sure I would do it again. It was a bit complicated and it is not perfect. I added some yellow fishy buttons to finish it. I am somewhat pleased with the end result…….
Over the month, I have felt in need of more social interactions from fellow knitters. My full time job makes it difficult to join most knitting groups which are held during the week. Although the online community is great, it is not the same as communicating face to face with people. I found a new yarn shop about three weeks ago in a nearby town of Azusa, CA named “All About Yarn”. It is run by Veronika and Pillar. It is a tiny shop but the shop owners make the shop a warm intimate place open to the community crocheters and knitters. On the third Sunday afternoon of each month, from 3 to 6 pm. they have a knitting group open to anyone to come and just knit and chat. I went for the first time and found the group very friendly. Most of the knitters were beginners but the conversation was very comfortable sharing about family, children, grandchildren and schools, which many of us work for in some capacity or other. There was a group of about 6 or 7 of us.

I took my Milly Mop sweater to work on. I wanted to bring something that did not need much concentration to be able to join in conversation. The sleeves are finished. I am knitting on the back part of the sweater. I plan to dye the plain natural white fingering yarn once I complete the sweater. However, knitting stockinette for two hours without a break, was a little too much for me. When my forearms began to tire and ache, I had to stop and this gave me an excuse to browse around the store to see what kinds of yarn they had. There was an assortment of Acrylic worsted yarns for very reasonable prices ranging from $4 to $10 a skein. This was very appropriate for the community this shop is in which is in a residential area of medium to low income families. They had some Debbie Bliss yarns and Opal Sock Yarn, which of course, was more of the higher end in cost. I think a saw a few skeins of Noro, as well. I finally chose a couple of varigated skeins of Ella Rae Amity, an acylic/wool blend, that was soft and I thought would make a nice scarf.

Since I finished a project, I had a need to start a new one. I’ve been in need of some coasters, so I found my CD coaster pattern I redesigned based on a pattern I found online by Doris Carolyn Murphy that is no longer available online. This coaster is a nice gift and I see my family and friends still using them after many years. They absorb the condensation of iced drinks and protect tables from water rings and scratches.

Diana’s CD coaster pattern

Re-designed by Diana Hilton

Size G crochet hook
Red Heart Super saver worsted yarn or any worsted weight yarn.
A Compact Disk or DVD (5 in. diameter)

Chain(ch) 6. Join with a slip stitch(sl st) to form a ring.

Round 1: Ch 3. This will count as 1st dc (double crochet). 1 dc in next ch, 2 dc in each chain st (12 dc). Join with a sl st at the top of the ch 3.

Round 2: Ch 3 to count as first dc, dc in same st as joining in the previous row, 2 dc in each of the remaining 11 sts. Join with sl st (24 dc).

Round 3: Ch 3 to count as first dc;* 2dc in next dc; 1 dc in next dc*. Repeat between * * 10 times, ending with 2 dc in last st. Join with a sl st at the top of the ch 3.(36 dc)

Round 4: Ch 3 to count as first dc; 1 dc in the next dc; *2dc in next st; 1 dc in next two sts *; repeat * * 10 times, ending with 2dc in next st, 1 dc in last st.. Join with a sl st at the top of the ch 3. (48 st)

Round 5: Ch 3; dc in each st around. Join with sl st. (48 sts). This is the edge row.

Round 6: (Decrease row). Ch 3; Dc dec in next st as follow: *YO, insert hook in st and draw loop, YO, draw loop through two loops (there should be 2 loops left on needle), YO, insert hook in next st and draw loop, YO, draw through two loops, YO, draw through three loops( dc dec) ; 1dc in next two sts*. Repeat between ** 10 more times. Join with sl st.

Round 7: Insert CD into coaster now. Continue in row in Ch 3 ; *dc dec in next two sts; dc in next st * repeat between* * around to end. Join with sl st.

Round 8: Closing off coaster opening, ch 3; dc dec in next two sts around. Join with sl st and end off. Weave in tail.

Abreviations:
Ch: chain st (yarn over and through loop on needle)
Dc: double crochet (yarn over insert hook in stitch, yarn over, through 2 loops, yarn over, through two loops).
Dc dec: double crochet decrease (see instructions above).
Sl st: slip stitch (insert hook, yo and bring through both loops)