Just when one gets comfortable with the way things seem to be going, there is something that throws a kink in the chain of events.
I wish I could say that W’s recovery is going as expected but it hasn’t. It seems that God wants to keep us guessing what he wants for W. We knew going into this stem cell transplant that there might be a few issues, especially relating to W’s heart. Actually the stem cell transplant, after seeming to be sleeping is holding its own. There is definitely something happening, but W’s CHF (congestive heart failure) is testing the body reserves even more than usual. From the Bone Marrow Floor at City of Hope he developed a minor heart irregularity and was moved to ICU. Weeks later, his heart rate and blood pressure was under control and he was moved to a Telemetry unit to monitor his heart. Now, the fluid retention is still an ongoing problem. Fluid continues to collect in the lungs making it difficult to breathe and he is back on the Bone Marrow Floor. Soon we will be reaching Day 60+ in the hospital. The only daylight he has seen is through his hospital window and when they take him to the x-ray department. What a field trip!
I’m trying to stay calm. Do I have doubts? Yes! God, you are in control, aren’t you? You will make him comfortable, won’t you? He will have a nice birthday, right? I thought when he moved out of ICU, it was a signal that it wouldn’t be long to have him home. I shampooed my carpets today in anticipation. The house should be a dirt and germ free home while he is still immune compromised. I want him to come home.
I arrived today to share my ordeal shampooing carpets and find him moving to another floor and in respiratory distress. Every breath is an effort. My, how things can change in an instant, when you not looking! I feel helpless to see him suffering. I’m numb with confusion. All I can do is hold his hand and rub his head and let him feel my loving touch calming his pain and discomfort. Although, medication is the real relief, putting him into an amnesic stupor. Thank God for small blessings.
I try to remember the Serenity prayer….how does it go again? Stress must be setting in…..