Cancer coping

This week has been a very hard week emotionally for my husband and I. The skin pain and itching from his cutaneous lymphoma seem to be increasing intensity. We have been trying to figure out what pain medication will give him the most relief without making him a zombie or worse than this, not able to get up at all. One medication will pretty much knock him out and results in uncomfortable side effects. Another seems to relieve the pain to a manageable level so he can still get around, but doesn’t last long enough and taking too much in one day can cause liver damage. Beyond all of this, it’s the itching that is the most unbearable. This has him so depressed and desperate, even scratching until his tender skin bleeds doesn’t give him relief. We saw a pain management doctor today. We are hopeful that she will be able to coordinate his pain and coping meds to give him some quality of life.


It is not easy to see the love of your life, strong and tall, reduced to a frightened, weepy, pain filled creature, depressed and withdrawn. I want to take away everything that is uncomfortable for him, but am helpless to do so. All I can do is be there and hold his hand or rub his back. I try to be strong and do the things that need to be done that he cannot do. I release my tears of grief and sorrow in quiet when I am alone. I guess I have always been the strong one of my family. My family counts on me to be there and functioning. Even I am realizing my limitations.

I have spoken with my boss to ask permission to reduce my hours to be at home more with W. I also need to conserve my mental and physical energy to work out all the disability paperwork, doctors appointments, medications and daily care for my husband. I am grateful my boss is graciously understanding in allowing me the flexibility to work as I can and take care of W. I didn’t think this talk would happen so soon. We were told, perhaps optimistically, that people with this kind of lymphoma could live a normal lifespan with treatment, but there is no cure. Perhaps it sounded to good to be true. No one said the quality of life would be so compromised. I should have taken the cue from the dermatologist, who first suspected the condition, that this lymphoma was not so pleasant. However, even with this realization, what is one to do to prepare for such a life ahead? No, perhaps it’s better to undergo some denial in the beginning and learn to cope gradually.

I am grateful and appreciate so much the little kindnesses people in our lives have done for us. Being a recipient of such kindness and compassion reminds me not to be so self-centered in my own problems. I count my blessings and know that there are others still worse off that us. God has truly answered my prayers and taken care of our financial needs to keep us going. It has allowed me to return some of his generosity to others as well. What is it called? Paying it forward? Thank you all for loving us.

That reminds me, I have to finish knitting Scott’s socks tonight!

Matthew 25:40 Jesus said “ I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

Big Socks

I recently blogged about how I was following a blog, “A Couple of Sojourners” about a friend’s son and his wife, Scott and Ashlee Burt’s adventures as US Peace Corps Volunteers in Mongolia.


Lo and behold, and very surprisingly I received a comment on the blog from Scott himself. Now, I didn’t even know he knew about me or even knew that his parents and I were old friends that very seldom see each other. I had no idea how he would be lead to find my blog. Another miracle was that he actually read my blog and about my plans to send he and Ashlee some knit goods along with knitting needles and yarn to learn how to knit. He shared he was just talking to Ashlee about learning to knit. Is this a miracle or God working in mysterious ways? What a coincidence!


A few days ago Scott added to their Wish list for a pair of wool socks (the thickest you can find) for Size 13 feet. What an interesting challenge I thought! I imagined this to be a hard to find size in Mongolia. I don’t believe there are many 6 foot tall Mongolians around with big feet. With the –50 below weather they are enduring, this seemed like a priority.


This reminds me of a time in my younger days when W and I went backpacking with another couple over a Thanksgiving weekend on Mt San Gorgorneo in the San Bernardino Mountains in California. Little did we know it would start to snow. I remember trying to walk in 3 ft of fresh snow for 3 miles back to our car carrying 25- 30 lbs backpacks. It was a miracle we found and stayed on the trail as it was nothing but untrampled white snow. I remember the cold feet we experienced and it is a memory that is very clear today. I can certainly understand the need for thick wool boot socks. No one wants to chance frostbite and the pain it can cause as your feet thaw.


I looked through my stash and found 3 balls of bulky weight wool. This is very thick wool. As I knit them with Size 8 needles to make a dense fabric, I see they are going to be very thick. I just hope they can fit in his boots. If not, he can wear them as slippers in his house on cold winter nights. No chance will he get cold feet with these. The bulky weight yarn made the project go very fast and it looks like I will be finishing in just 2-3 days. The socks certainly are big, almost the size of Christmas Stockings. Well, there’s a back up plan for them if they don’t work well as socks for feet!. Just decorate them and hang them for Santa Claus to pack some goodies in them.


Thanks, Scott and Ashlee, for allowing me to be of some small service to you in Mongolia by knitting some socks. You inspire me with your courage and your adventures. It gives us hope that there are still young people willing to put themselves forward in uncomfortable circumstances and climates to serve and be beacons of light to the world.


Season Greetings! Time to Deck the Halls!!

Alpacafest, Thanksgiving and A Day with Grandaughter

Alpacafest West

I had a chance to stop by Alpacafest West a few weeks ago. Over 100 beautiful alpacas were being shown. I could not resist taking a few pictures. There were a few more interesting vendors to visit this year. I bought 4 oz of chocolate colored alpaca fiber. At $4 an ounce, which I thought a little pricey, I had to get some to spin. I also could not resist 4 oz of handdyed bluefaed Leicester roving and skein of Bambino (supewash merino, bamboo and nylon) from Chamelion Color Works. I can’t wait to try the pink and yellow dyed silk “ bells” to spin. These are made from silk cocoons and stretched into a bell shaped layer.

Thanksgiving Holidays.

I have a lot to be thankful. One of them are my family. We met at by brother’s house this year to celebrate Thanksgiving, my Dad’s 83rd birthday and my parent’s “60th wedding anniversary. My husband managed to come with us, but needed to be heavily medicated for his comfort. It was a nice time. My son sang a song, my brother and sister-in-law sang a duet. Unfortunately, my camera stopped and ran out of memory before the first song ended. We shared cake and took a family picture. All of my family were there, except W, who was too sleepy to participate.

A Special Day with Granddaughter.

I love being a grandmother. I had a chance to spend a special day with my granddaughter just before Thanksgiving. We went shopping and bought some toys. We played an Elefun game catching butterflies. For a 3 yr old, she has great eye hand coordination. We went to McDonalds for a happymeal, and played on the playland. Then we went to the park with my youngest son, S, and had a great time. To my personal list on 100 beautiful Things about this world, I added #40 Grandchildren: They are so full of curiosity and joy. I wish I can bottle it up in a jar and keep it forever. I really needed this emotionally. Thank you, God, for such a gift.

Mongolian Knitting

I’ve been knitting like a mad woman. Why? I’ve been following a blog of one of my former high school friend’s, son and daughter-in-law, “A Couple of Sojourners”. They are Peace Corps Volunteers assigned to Mongolia. Their cold winter get as low as –50 below. They have been assigned a very modest house and warm it with coal, but surviving the cold is quite an ordeal. Can you imagine young people from sunny California, having to experience this? Talk about culture shock! Therefore, what better use of my yarn, but to knit them up “ wooley warmy” things for their survival. If they can’t use the items, I’m sure they can find someone there in Mongolia who can. It’s my own little “Dulaan Project”.

I have no idea how long their winter is, but I feel the pressure of getting it done soon, before it gets too cold to deliver mail. Can that happen? I have been imagining that perhaps its like Antartica, where if you don’t get your supplies shipped early, you won’t be able to get them through. The blog indicated that some mail has been affected by the H1N1 situation, possibly limited contact with a lot of people and shutting down services. However, I am encouraged that they are still receiving some care packages from their families.

I have been knitting some Helmet warmers. I finished one from the handspun yarn I made from the Cormo-Romney fleece I purchased at Black Sheep Gathering this summer. It came out nice but a little big. I am making another one with some handspun grey Merino/Alpaca.

I’m also knitting up a rug, using my Red Heart acrylic yarn. What a great stash buster! I am knitting it with Size 35 needles. These are gigantic needles. Brenda Dane from “Cast On” podcast inspired me from her Knitting in Trafalgar Square with the same kind of needles. It is really using up the yarn fast, but handling these needles make my hands hurt after and hour so I switch to other knitting to give a break and go back when I can.

I am also planning on packing some knitting wool and needles with a How to Knit Book included. Perhaps when our Mongolian volunteers are confined to the inside, they might have some time to learn to knit. One never knows how experiencing the hardship of “cold”, may motivate a person to be resourceful and make something that is warm: perhaps a scarf or hat?

Thinking about someone else’s situation is very therapeutic for me. It keeps me from being depressed about my own situation with W’s cancer. His emotional reserves are practically non-existent and I believe it is starting to affect me, as well. Work is also my salvation as it provides some respite in terms of distraction from home. Work never seems to slow down. I just don’t have much time to think until I get home. Thinking too far ahead is too overwhelming right now. The holidays are coming, and I am trying to sort out how to enjoy them this year. It’s getting harder to find that “joy” one needs in a life.

Finish--itis

Finish-itis, (Please excuse the hypen. It looks better this way)

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I just haven’t had much time to collect my thoughts. Stress has overwhelmed me the last two months. The job: breaking in and adjusting to a new boss, trying to meet the demands of starting school, preparing for a pandemic and disaster planning, training new office staff has been stressful. All this in addition to trying to cope with W. not responding to his latest treatment, unable to function more than moving from the recliner where he sleeps all day to the bed, where he sleeps more, having to do all the housework, his and mine is exhausting. The only thing that keeps me sane is my knitting.

I have finished a saddle sweater for my 22 yr old son, a knit skirt for me and miscellaneous items. The knitting is complete. It just the finishing….the weaving of seams, the blocking, etc. that needs to be done.

I don’t know why this is so difficult for me….to finish or not to finish. That is the question! This seems like such a easy task but I struggle to get motivated to do it!

I am on a sweater knitting jag right now. Having finished the Elizabeth Zimmerman Yoke sweater and the Elizabeth Zimmerman Saddle sweater, I am now making a Elizabeth Zimmerman Cardigan in the round with steeks. I plan to steek the opening and knit a border when I am done. This is slow-going but the color (red) keeps me knitting on. I love red. I’m tired of knitting with drab greys. I need some color in my dreary life.

Life has been a little lonely lately. W. has not felt good enough with his lymphoma to do much, other than an occasional outing to dinner or fast food. I am feeling the struggle of deciding to either find a part-time job that is less demanding or quit or retire, so I can take care of my husband and manage all the paperwork associated with his cancer treatment.

I’m not sure we can afford my loss of income just yet. Slowly but surely, we are reducing our debts and I will feel better about a change when that happens. It is very hard to think about changing a job I’ve been at for 20 years, two blocks from my home. However, I am feeling that he needs me more at home and my desire for my job is waning. I have been told I am good at what I do, but my focus is just too distracted by his needs. Rather than be a nurse for the 250 children in my care, I will be a nurse for one. It’s not really changing jobs. It’s only relocating. I am only one year away from early retirement but I got a late start of saving for retirement, so the income won’t be much. Yet, I have never been a high maintenance woman. We just need enough to live a modest life and take care of the bills.

So why am I afraid of finishitis? What is it that keeps me hanging on?

UPDATED 11/11/09

My finishitis is cured! I finished the Saddle Sweater and Bell Curve Skirt. See pictures below .

Zimmerman Yoke Sweater

My Elizabeth Zimmerman Yoke Sweater is done! The Fair Isle Pattern came out great! After completing both the big and small patterns after doing the 2nd decrease, I tried it on. The 2nd small motif made it too long in the neck. I decided to rip it back and just do a three row motif before the final decrease. All I have to do is the neck short rows and ribbing and sew up the armholes. It is so satisfying to finish a sweater.

The next sweater I do for myself will be one in dk or sport yarn. This sweater fits great but it will be too warm to wear in California, except on the coldest days, which do not have a very long season.

I’ve been thinking of the next sweater I want to do. I haven’t done a saddle sweater yet. I’ve been looking over Elizabeth Zimmerman’s way and Barbara Walker’s way of doing the Saddle Sweater. Elizabeth in from bottom up and Barbara’s from top down. Both seem a little complicated. I wish there were more pictures describing the process.

Skills and Steadiness

As I sit here at midnight, pondering the end of what little of summer vacation I had, I think about how life has been the last eight months for me . I seem to confront life experiences with calm, quiet expectations and try to see the big picture around me. God never promised us a life of luxury. For many, the years living in prosperity, with throw away income, life has become quite a shocking change to their lifestyle. For others, who have lived modestly, it is a time to recover their resourcefulness and prioritize what is important.

Having parents who grew up in poverty in the Depression years, has given me a sense of being able to live without many things. It has also given me an appreciation of getting the most out of things and not wasting anything. I truly appreciate how hard my parents worked to save for the future. Their lessons come in very handy now as the economy seems to be heading in the same direction of Depression the 1930’s community experienced.

I think about how my grandmothers taught me a basic skill of crocheting that lead to learning how to knit, spin, sew and do other needlecrafts. I know they used this skill to make garments for their children, as they had no extra income to buy clothes in the Depression. As sharecroppers, they frequently owed money to their landowners and through their resourceful skills of crocheting and sewing could sell or repair garments for others for a few cents to feed their children. My, how different life is now!. Yet, I wonder if we will be in the same situation and have to do the same.

I feel so fortunate and blessed to have some skills. I bless my grandmothers’ for sharing their skills with me. My needlecraft skills and skills in homemaking have given me much pleasure and reassurance that I do not have to be helpless. It has given me an appreciation of the natural beauty this world contains and a satisfaction that I can create some beauty from the raw materials and animals of our God-created world. It makes me happy and gives me joy. I imagine God smiling on his daughter with pride thinking how much he likes watching me create beautiful things from what he created.

Like a loving Father, he oversees his children. Like a faithful child, I have learned to trust and obey Him. He always provides what I need. He keeps me from being overwhelmed beyond what I can handle. I am feeling this now with my husband’s cancer. I’m sure the road will have its ups and downs but I can count of God to be there, carrying me in His arms when I am unable to handle anymore. Many have said how much they admire my calm steadiness as I go through this situation. I don’t think I would be of any usefulness if I panicked. I just give it in God’s hands. He carries it for me.
God is Good.