Diana's Fiber Meditations

Still hanging around

2012-02-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but I am still alive and somewhat well. It's been a very stressful few months. I really haven't felt up to sharing yet. I hope to get myself together soon and share more with you at a later time. "Life is a challenge". Im reading a really good book called "The Road Less Traveled." It has alot of good insight.

Grieving: The Lowest Point

2011-11-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.

No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….

After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?

My Father's loss

2011-10-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

My dad and I on father's day 2011

My blog has been rather silent since we buried my late husband. The days have been lazily passing us by as Fall enfolded in leaves turning colors, cooler weather approaching and days becoming darker. Little did I know we would be coming back to the same beautiful spot at Rose Hills to bury my beloved father, Raul. My 84 year old father passed away on Sept 25 from a massive stroke. We had a very lovely and memorable memorial service on Saturday. It was just as I wanted it to be….shared with family and friends sweet memories of the wonderful man he was.

As my dad had aged over the years and had grown increasingly uncomfortable with his physical health, I knew that time was short. And yet, I always thought we would have one more month everytime I saw him. He was so sharp and intelligent, even to his last day, as evidenced by his completion of a newspaper crossword puzzle.

I feel the loss of my mentor, my wise counselor, almost more than that of my husband. Perhaps it is because with Walter gone, I still had my father to be my “compass”, giving me direction and guidance. And now, I’ve lost both and feel somewhat adrift. The other day, I needed an explanation of “next of kin” in regards to how it is defined. I needed my father to explain to me the legal interpretation of this. We would always have wonderful talks. His intelligence and wisdom was always there for me.

So now, I feel alone and searching for a source of guidance. It causes one to strengthen faith in the Lord. Matthew 28:20 says “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” What comfort this is to me. I have to listen to that inner small voice of His Holy Spirit that dwells in me for guidance and strength.

I can feel all of those grieving thoughts come back to me, just when I thought I was ready to move on. Well perhaps this is a little different. The loss of a parent is different from a loss of a spouse. One you grieve the loss of security and stability and the other in addition to the others, you grieve the loss of romantic love and partnership. And yet….there is still hope on the horizon. There are others in the shape of people there to catch you from falling. Love and comfort is still out there waiting in the wings for when you are ready to accept it.

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

As we draw closer to the 10th year anniversary of 9/11, I peruse the LA Times and the question is asked all over the newsprint pages….”Where were you on 9/11, 10 years ago?” As I reflect on this I cannot help but feel the emotion that horrifying moment brought me upon hearing the event unfold…

I had just climbed into my car to drive my 14 year old son to school. The news station had been set on my car radio to alert me of traffic on the way. As we settled in the car, there was an announcement that the World Trade Center was on fire, and then a report that an airliner had crashed into it. Moments later the second tower was hit. My son and I sat horrified frozen in our seats, the car idling in the driveway, thinking, “OMG! What is happening?” Then came an announcement that the Pentagon was on fire. We sat there in stunned silence in fear and shock.

I started praying at that point hoping that people were being evacuated quickly. I finally was able to drive to my son’s school listening for updates and then the unimaginable happened….one of the towers collapsed. I prayed that people had got out safely knowing there were thousands of people in that huge building just arriving to work. I learned later that many had not evacuated safely and the brave firemen and emergency personnel, who were so dedicated to their mission of serving people had become victims too.

I cried for the loss and wondered how did this happen? Who was responsible for this? We must have been attacked. This was the first time in my life that such a large attack on US soil was successful. Was the US ever going to be the same? Our safe little sanctuary called the United States of America was no longer safe.

The world has changed since, and we mark the day with other significant events of War along with D-day and Pearl Harbor attack. We now fear for everything…our environment, our security, our neighbors, our identity, and yet something good has come because of it. Americans sought and turned to God.

It resulted in a united spirit of the people in hoping and believing that only God could save us through this disaster. The renewal of the Nation’s faith in God and love for each other continues to keep us grounded and together in remembering that our forefathers built this nation on faith in God. Only He has the power and gives us the inner strength to persevere in times of tragedy. We are not alone. Wherever there is tragedy, people come together in a common spirit of love, that our American freedoms allow us to express.

I think God was trying to get our attention. Many renewed their faith and turned to Him for comfort. Even now, when difficulties come, we know we can always rely on God to be there for us and put people in our paths to comfort and guide us. He has a plan for us and wants us to trust Him. Let us hope that these terrible memories continue to keep us focused on God and what is really important…to share love to others, just as he loved us and gave His life for us.

Part II: Saying Goodbye and Moving On

2011-08-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent 33+ years loving and experiencing life together. However, this is what happened on July 19th at Rose Hills Memorial Park. It was a warm sunny day. My family and small extended family met to say our goodbyes as we buried Walter’s urn in his final resting place over looking the San Gabriel Valley. The view all around was beautiful. My pastor gave a very comforting service. My three sons and family surrounded me as I tenderly placed the urn in the vault for the final time. It was a very stirring moment. One I will cherish forever.

Loving sons comfort their mother

So officially, this signals the end of mourning right? The past year have been filled with wonderful friendships and yet, there IS something that I feel missing. I miss a man in my life,… a confidant, a someone to feel part of, a best friend with a unique perspective to run things by. I will never lose the love for my husband but perhaps, it is time to move on and to try to find some happiness again. Amazingly, I’ve discovered that it is easier to meet people via the internet, but it is not without dangers and risks. What relationship isn’t? No matter where you meet someone, there is a matter of trust that must be established. I am finding this harder than I thought. Yet, there is also some excitement of getting to know someone who is interested in you.

I am tredding through unknown territory, and it is at times frightening. I pray the Lord will find someone for me that is as good as Walter was. I would feel so blessed to have a person like that. People keep telling me I am still young and beautiful and that I will find someone. Yet, there is always that insecurity hiding within wondering am I really too old. I’m not that spring chick I used to be. Perhaps they will see and appreciate the beauty and experience within and rather than the aging beauty without.

I have also found comfort in knitting again, although my down time is getting rarer as I split my free time between exercising, enjoying music at a local concert, reading, and sitting knitting some slippers for charity. My goal is to knit up all the yarn that I still have, including my handspun yarn. I need some ideas for this that won’t be shrunk in the first wash by an unknowing knitter who does know about wool and hot water. Life is becoming interesting again and perhaps I’ll do some more traveling with friends. It seems I’ve become the “go girl”. I love driving my little Prius around town with my friends to places. The world is open wide for new experiences.

Diana and Granddaughter

I’m on Summer Break! Part I

2011-07-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

When I asked for summer break I had a reason……..

I knew that it would be tough getting through major emotional events during this month and needed to help myself and my family cope. Being with each other is the best way we support each other for there is comfort in the presence of loving family. For sure, we love each other and feel nourished when we meet.

The first hurdle……Walter’s birthday on July 4. Little did I realize how much this would mean to me. I invited my sons and sister in law over like normal to have a BBQ. We had two guests come that turned out to have good attitudes and be enjoyable to be around. If anything, they kept our spirits up. One was a 10 yr old 6th grader. Instead of playing board games, the boys got out the Wii and played bowling and Mario to entertain our guest. The rest of us played with the grandkids, lounged around in the patio swing and read quietly until my 4 yr old granddaughter couldn’t take the waiting any longer and we lit up the fireworks in front of our house. Certainly, we missed Walter and we didn’t sing Happy Birthday to You this year. We will now have to remember that it is Independence Day, but in our hearts it will always be Dad’s birthday.

After such a nostalgic holiday, my two youngest adult sons and I planned to get away a few days in Las Vegas. We wanted to see some shows. This was a very special treat. One of my son’s has been playing in an orchestra for some community theatre shows on his summer break, so he was looking forward to being entertained rather than entertaining. We saw the Blue Man Show, which was very funny and interactive. At one point, the audience pushed yards and yards of toilet paper sized streamers from the back of the threatre to the front of the stage. It looked like a sea of white water covering the audience….what fun!!! Blue Men are three mime drummers that are very good. They use neon colored special effects and make up funny skits that involve the audience in them. I highly recommend their show.

The second show was “The Phantom”. I saw the Broadway production of “The Phantom of the Opera” in Los Angeles a few years back. For the Las Vegas show, they reduced it from a 3 ½ hr to a two-hour one-act program. The costumes and sets were great. The singing and music was wonderful too. However, I didn’t feel the emotional involvement with this production as with the original. I think that the cut in some scenes, sacrificed some of the emotion and compassion development that is involved in the show. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but have tears for the song, “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again”. I just thought of Walter.

Diana and the Blue M & M

Scott & Diana in the Venetian Hotel

Diana near the Lion's Den at MGM

Robby & Scott say "Cheese"

New York, New York-Las Vegas Style

Las Vegas Palazzo at night

The rest of the time we spent swimming in the lovely pool at Hard Rock Hotel, browsing the various Las Vegas Strip Casinos and shopping at MGM, Escalibur, Luxor, Venetian, Treasure Island and New York, New York. The boys couldn’t get away without riding the Roller Coaster. Our last stop was the M &M shop and I found the Blue M & M! There were four floors of M & M stuff!

So now I am preparing to do one of the final acts I have as a widow….laying Walter’s ashes to rest. Its almost a year now. I think it is time to give the family some closure and to give me permission to move on with my life. Although I have mixed feelings about this and to some extent I feel I am still grieving, people tell me this is normal. On the 19th, there will be a private gravesite gathering for family to pay final respects. The view is beautiful overlooking the San Gabriel Valley, where Walter and I grew up. This will be our final resting place.

Discovering Hope

2011-06-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Life can throw you for a loop with tragedy and difficulties that seems overwhelming to recover from. In my grief of losing my dear husband of 33 years, prayers were constantly sent to God hoping that He will help take away the pain and slowly revive hope in my heart. Is it possible to hope again? As I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband’s death, it helps me reflect on how far I have traveled through my grief process. I am still here. I am alive.

I have survived and I live each day with a hope, a smile and wonderment of what God has in store for me in daily blessings. He has grown in me a capacity to love and care for others in many different ways. Does one have to loose so much to appreciate how precious building relationships and nurturing them are in order to find some measure of happiness in this world? I have learned my lessons well. Life is just too short to fail to make meaningful connections in this world.

I am humbled by God’s grace, with a Thankful heart……..

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14.

Tornado Tragedy and Hope

2011-05-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I woke up early Monday morning and decided to check my Facebook page before going to work. I noticed some of the chatter coming from my nieces’, living in the Mid-west, seemed to be about finding missing friends. Horrified, I learned about the devastating tornado that wiped out ¾ of the town of Joplin, Missouri. I called my sister-in-law, who lives north of Joplin and was reassured that they were OK but a nephew barely survived, as he worked in the Joplin Walmart that was now mainly rubble. He lost his home and cars, but was safe and reunited with his family. The only one unaccounted for was a great-nephew who lived in a 3-story apartment which was flattened. We learned that he was not home at the time the tornado struck, which was an F5 tornado, one of the strongest deadliest tornados.

Great nephew Jay searches for belonging after tornado destroys his apartment.

The only thing found was his late dad's baseball glove, something to treasure.

His story is reported here.

   God is good. We had some stories of hope in this tragedy. One great-niece was to be married this weekend in Joplin. She had her wedding dress in the town Bridal shop. Although the shop was destroyed, there was one lone wedding dress hanging on a hanger. Lo and behold, it was hers. Her story with her fiance as they search for his sister right after the tornado is on video via this link, interviewed by Anderson Cooper of CNN. Be sure to see the video from this link.

    Another great-niece was to be married the week after. She was staying with her parents until the wedding and unfortunately, her parent’s home was destroyed. Nevertheless, she was able to recover all of her wedding stuff. When one goes through an ordeal like this, it makes us ask “Why, God?” “How is one to celebrate happiness when so many are so sad from this type of devastation”. She had thought of cancelling her wedding. However, many reassured her that it would give hope to see a new marriage start in the midst of tragedy. I believe it will strengthen the family bond and God will bless this couple as they go on to commit to one another in love.

     There are so many untold stories that show what the spirit of the heartland is all about. We Americans pull together in times of tragedy. This heartland is well known for its strong faith in God and well anchored Christian values. There is no second thought to acting on God’s commandment to “Love one another”. My niece, who is a Nurse Practicioner, has been volunteering her time working at the a local church performing first aid and helping to meet the needs of those who are now homeless or injured. There are many more volunteers that are unsung heros and have chosen to make a difference in this tragedy. I thank the Lord that he loves us and has put a spirit of love in us. May God always bless us all.

Nurture vs Nature

2011-05-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

We are approaching Mother’s Day again. I had a chance to take my mother out to dinner, just the two of us. I was thinking how rare we’ve had in the past to talk about girly things over the last few years. Why is this? Until now, my whole life has focused so much on the men in my life; my father, my brothers, my husband and my sons. Life didn’t leave much time for female stuff. And now, I find myself back to being a female again. I have time for myself. I have a granddaughter to play dolls with. It is a much different mothering, than I am used to, but perhaps I should be thankful I have this opportunity.

I am feeling better about myself. Did I somewhat loose part of my femininity trying to compete and survive in a man’s world? I am discovering the beauty inside myself and around me. I have a chance to do the things my nature calls for in nurturing in a gentle way. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone other than myself and to please God.

Life is just too short to have each moment planned out. There is much you miss this way. I am now letting life unfold before me as a bud opens into a beautiful rose bloom. My friend C recently gave me the largest Florabunda blooming rose I have seen. It was gorgeous and touched my heart greatly. It was hard not to notice the lovely fragrance as well as the sweet peach color. It made me appreciate the nurturing she gave me and has given me over the last months since I lost my husband. I know we will be great friends and for once this mother is allowing myself to be nurtured as well as nurture others. I have missed this and this is one thing I have needed in a long time. I have not had a sister but she comes very close to one.

Mother’s Day not only makes me think of nurturing by women but also the nurturing that men are capable of that is a hidden character trait they should not fear to demonstrate. To some this makes them seem unmanly. However, to us women it makes us honor them more than ever with love and admiration in their manhood. Isn’t this how God is? I see my son gently interacting and patiently listening to his two children. Right now he is acting as mother and father and is doing a great job caring for them. I see another man friend helping to bring a bed-ridden female friend to church, generously giving of his time helping her to gain her independence. If more men would be like these self-sacrificing men, the world would be a better place.

Wouldn’t it be great to celebrate Nurturing Day at least once a year? Better still, nurturing should be celebrated every day.

The Truth about Inflation

2011-04-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

I recently finished a hoodie made from the Leisure Arts booklet “Knit Hoodies for Kids”. It was a rather easy, simple pattern that I am sure to use again. I was trying to find a link where a booklet like this can be purchased to recommend it to others who might be interested. The first place I looked was Amazon.com and was astounded to find that the only one available was a used copy at…….are you ready?.......$282.42!!! I nearly fainted when I realized that the $8.95 book I bought might be a collectors item and out of print. I suspect this must be a mistake but it gave me quite a jolt. I have since found other copies online selling at as low as $7.95.

It made me recall a time I was looking for a fair isle book from Alice Starmore, a very famous reclusive and exclusive knitter from England, many years back. Everywhere I looked, this book was not available and there was no reprint date listed. I had heard this was one of the best books on Fair Isle knitting written. Fortunately, I found a copy in the United Kingdom on ebay, that of course, was inflated in cost but reasonable as opposed to the over $100 prices the US dealers were asking for. I caved and purchased the book, thinking that if ever I needed to unload something for some quick cash, I could always sell this book at the inflated prices as the current supply and demand market seemed to indicate at the time. I was even considering including it in my will and final instructions, so my heirs would not give it up frivolously when I was gone. Several years later, it was announced that Alice Starmore publishers was reprinting the book in “Paperback”! My dreams of having something of value came crushing down as the prices normalized. It did teach me a good lesson to take things at face value and in patience. If I have waited, I would have save myself some money.

I don’t know if the above example is what is happening to the “Hoodie” book or is it a case where some greedy seller trying to make a buck from trying to sell a good pattern book for over $200. Sometimes we are blinded to the truth. In reality, no one has taken the seller up on his offer. It’s nice to know that most people are not foolish and know they can get it cheaper at $7.95 or wait until it is reprinted.

With the economy so unstable, it should not be so surprising that desperate people will try desperate things and this could be one of them. I do hope that Amazon will be prudent and not be the means of fooling people into these overpriced schemes.

Bouncing back -Knitting a Hoodie

2011-04-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

I’m recuperating from minor surgery at home. Although minor, I have some limited movement restrictions that have somewhat interfered with my daily activities. I cannot lift anything over 5 lbs., no squatting, avoid exercise, no driving for at least two weeks. This is so hard. One does not realize how much doing these very things is part of your life. Of course, this is a challenge for me as I had planned to do so many things at home during my Spring Break. I feel like a slug.

I’ve picked up my knitting again, as there is not much else I can do. I am making my grandson a hoodie. I found a great little Leisure Arts book called Knit Hoodies for Kids. It’s a top down pattern. I am using Caron One Pound acrylic worsted yarn in a yellow gold color. Yellow is Ben’s favorite color. The pattern is a placket neck pullover, raglan sleeve pattern with striped rows across the hood, bottom edging and sleeves. When done I am thinking of adding a Thomas the train patch or embroider it on. So far it has gone rather quickly with Size 5 and Size 8 knitting needles.

Yesterday, I saw a documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt. She has always been a woman I admired. I was very surprised to see her knitting in many of the film clips shown with her husband. It’s no wonder why many women knitted socks and warm clothing for the soldiers with this example to inspire the women left at home. What inspires me is her commitment to all people in fighting for human rights, her commitment to her husband and marriage despite his betrayal, and her inner strength to do the very best to make a life and purpose for herself and blossom into her own identity after her husband passed. People respected her and listened to her, even in her old age. I wonder how she would be thought of in today’s world?

Death & Taxes

2011-03-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

There is a saying that….”The only thing you cannot avoid is death and taxes”. How true is this! That is why it’s a double wammy when you have to face both at the same time.

As a surviving spouse, I had to file my last “joint” income taxes return for my late husband and I. As I signed for my deceased husband on the dotted line, I was suddenly struck by the finality of this little act. We have filed a joint income tax return over the 33 years of marriage and this final act of marriage has such an impact, it made me face the reality of an ending of the BIG marriage responsibility. Yes, even in death, someone has to pay your taxes. I wonder whether divorced people feel the same when they sign on the dotted line of their divorce papers?

Until that moment of signing off that tax return, I had not realized I was truly unmarried. Next year I will be filing income taxes as a “Single”. I almost feel as if I have cut off a limb or something vitally important. I’m not sure I like this feeling of separation. Perhaps it might have been easier had one divorced and made a willful choice to separate from their partner, but this was not my choice. I expected him to be here helping me work out our taxes on Turbotax. I gathered up all the paperwork, W-2s, 1099’s and worksheets, as I had done in the past, and brought it to H&R Block.

The decision to hire someone was one of convenience rather than frugality. This is the one mistake I realize after the fact. Since I had everything in order ahead of time, all the tax person had to do was plug in the numbers and press a button for the software to compute the tax. I realize I could have done the same had I not been insecure with this uncertain stage in my life in widowhood. Coping is hard enough and I didn’t want to chance getting any taxes wrong. Going through an audit for the first time, without the support of my wise, intelligent helpmate, was not something I wanted to chance and therefore sought the expert’s advice and counsel. I suspect I will never look at a tax return in the same way again without feeling this loss.

In the end, I realize the Lord was with me every step in our finances, so I would not have a deep financial burden. There is no way I could have planned our spending in such a way as to come out even in our taxes. This is just more evidence how God provided for us in our time of need and even after death.

Eight Months of Reflection

2011-03-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

Ever so often I indulge in a little reflection. It is almost eight months since Walter’s passing. Lately, memories flood my soul and I miss his silent strength and presence, especially in times of stress and trials. There are times I feel my faith in God is constantly tested as I have lately encountered more trials than some might experience.

I reflect on my coping styles and how God places the right people in my path and the right diversions to keep my spirits up and focused on him. I have never been one to panic in times of stress. Perhaps, this is because of my training as a nurse, that demands of me to exercise some self-control to function in life and death situations. I think that having this calm spirit helps a stressful situation rather than hurts it. People who are stressed fear loosing control and will seek out anything that resembles confidence and peaceful assurance.

Yet, this calmness can later catch up on a person. I succumb to feelings of being overwhelmed and need to seek a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Friends have been so wonderful and available to me for this. It surprises me to be so open and honest with them, sometimes not leaving any thought protected. Is this taking a risk? Perhaps. Yet, God has put in my path friends I trust, more than they know. I have always felt that being honest and open yields much better results than holding back. I expect honesty back, even if it hurts. I have a good capacity for forgiveness. God helps me with this. More and more I am learning to let go of hurts and disappointments as I realize it doesn’t help me move on if I keep them inside to fester and multiply.

I am starting to explore some outside support groups to seek information, and an impartial group to work out the stresses in my life. The hardest step is to go to the first meeting. I feel the need to build my support base beyond my inner circle. Perhaps this is an opportunity to discover additional supports available to me, as well as work on me. I have a choice to alter my behavior to influence the behavior of others. Life is all about choices, isn’t it? I can choose to keep things the way they are or the choice to change it or change the way I behave in it.

If there is anything I miss most with Walter’s absence, it may be the access to human touch. I have friends and family who are not shy about giving hugs. Our church has people who will come up to you to give a friendly hug greeting and this helps tremendously. My sons are not shy about hugs either. All of this helps. But there is something about the simple holding of one’s hand or the intimacy of a simple kiss that I have found myself grieving for.

I feel like I have survived the major hurdles of the calendar, ie. Wedding Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines’s day. Depression has come and gone throughout these times, but amazingly less than I expected. Supportive friends, family have helped as well as implementing coping strategies I’ve found in books on Widowhood . I still have Easter, Walter’s birthday and the 1st Anniversary of this death to cope with.

And throughout all of this I pray, for He is with me.

Cares Chorus

I cast all my cares upon you,

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.

Any anytime I don’t know what to do.

I will cast all my cares upon you.

~Kelly Willard

Worship Walking

2011-03-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

As the winter thaw begins to take hold in California, I have ventured out to walk every morning before work for about 30-45 minutes at 6:00 am (Yikes!). I dress myself in layers: my wool hat, scarf and gloves and brave the near dark sky and cool temperature (lately in the upper 30 to 40s).

I have committed myself to be more healthy and to give myself some alone time to contemplate the Lord, contemplate my life, and cleanse my spirit for the new day. So I wrap myself up, and turn on my I-pod with Chris Rice Christian music or some other worship album playing, and think about how God has blessed my life. As I warm up to a good pace, I retrieve all the trash and previous disappointments and grief I have long stored in the back of my mind and have a good cry, where no one but God can hear me. He knows my groanings.

“Romans 8:26 ….the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit, himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.”

He cleanses my heart and smiles on me as the beautiful sunrise arises during my walk. What beauty he shows me as I walk! I see the mountains covered in fresh snow from a previous rain/snow storm. I see deer (yes, can you believe it! There was 7 deer in Duarte!), feeding off the tender leaves of orange trees near the bike trail. I see the beautiful hummingbirds going from flower to flower gathering their breakfast. There is so much God calls my attention to, that I am overwhelmed by his goodness. I start singing to the worship songs as I walk. I must look like a mentally ill person to others, but I don’t care…….I’m worshiping the Lord.

As the sun comes up peeking over the mountains my troubles are left behind me and God reminds me in Romans 8:37 “ In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Now, isn’t that something great to wake up to?!!!

Fiber Meditations: I have been working on knitting the Celtic Tradition afghan from the book “Big-Needle Afghans” on Size 11 needles. I started it many years ago for my son and recently brought it out from storage. It is made with Acrylic Yarn that is washable and it is nice and heavy, just like my son likes it. He wraps himself under a pile of blankets like a mole under ground. It is so big, I cannot take it anywhere, but must knit it at home. A few rows every other night is what I am hoping to do. It is coming out so nice, my family and grandkids may have to fight S for it when done.

Parenthood

2011-03-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

I have been blessed with three wonderful sons. Being a parent has always been a most cherished dream of mine. I have my ancestors to thank for this as each generation has faithfully stressed the importance of “family”. I saw the sacrifices my own excellent parents made to ensure we were educated and cared for and loved and with this as my example, I have tried to perpetuate the same in my own raising of my sons.

How satisfying it is to pass the torch and witness for myself the development of my son’s loving parenthood with his own children. With only the example of his parents and grandparents to emulate, my son has become a wonderful father. I have the special priviledge to witness this in my own home and oh, how it warms my heart to see the special bond my son has with his children. Who else but a father will let his little daughter paint his toenails, while he is caring for them? Who else but a father will tenderly get them ready for bed and read a bedtime story? Who but a father would plan a special day with his daughter to take her miniature golfing or a day with his son to go Jumping and Jamming at the local mall? Who else but a father would sacrifice his own comfort to ensure his child is warm and happy? I know his earthly father, who now watches him from heaven, would have been very proud of him.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T05:05:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago, as I saw this day approaching, I couldn’t help but feel some sadness and missing my late husband. The memories of some of the special Valentine’s days came to mind with some melancholy. On a Valentine’s Day, one of our sons was conceived. He was our Valentine to each other. I am comforted by this special son Walter has left behind to remind me of our love. This son and I went to dinner tonight and he is a great emotional support for me.

Today, Valentine's Day was a special day in so many ways. Our boss pampered us workers with strawberries, raspberries and other assorted goodies. Several of my friends sent Valentines and flowers. I truly felt loved and cared for.

On this day at work, we had Federal Reviewers show up at our school to evaluate our program and everything seemed to go so well.

The weather was perfect. I really enjoyed my early walk this morning as the sun came up shining as if God was smiling. I thought , “Isn’t it a beautiful day? How blessed I am!”

I purchased a Valentine’s gift for me of a ring and necklace set with red pink hearts. This is a reminder that I am a survivor in a new independent life. A new life that will be better and hopeful for a fulfilling future. I am starting to realize a purpose. It seems to be falling into place. Rather than seeing the emptiness, I am having a vision of the possibilities in my life.

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves….12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with God’s people who are in need.

Grief Work Status Check

2011-01-29T23:30:00.000-08:00

Wow! Where has the month flown? This has been a month of reflecting, coming to terms with realities and making plans.

Our church has been studying the Book of 1 Timothy. It has generated a lot of lively debate and 1 Timothy 5: 3 talk about widows, “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need”. It reminded me to check my temperature on my grief work. How am I doing?

I’ve been reading a book, “How to go on Living, When Someone you Love Dies”, by Therese A Rando, PhD. It is a rather comprehensive book of the grieving process, all kinds of grieving. In the Chapter on “What is Necessary to “Resolve” Your Grief”, it tells of a set of processes that must be completed. They are:

1. Experiencing the pain.

2. Reacting to the separation from your loved one.

3. Readjusting to the new world without your loved one.

4. Changing your emotional attachment to and investment in him.

So I ask myself, “How am I doing”?

It seems that I have been going through 1 and 2 over the last two years. Number 3 was started when my late husband entered the hospital and Number 4……..? Well, six months after his death, I might be starting to work on this one.

I keep asking myself, how did I get this far so fast? All I can say is that that the Lord is good and provided me the very best of friends, family, and people who were there for me every step of the way. I was able to cry and talk about my feelings, get information, and not feel so isolated knowing that others had experienced similar grief feelings. We all seemed to hold each other up with love and care.

The book goes on and gives a checklist of examples how one can know they have successfully resolved their loved one’s loss….

1. Remember their loved one without pain.

2. Mention him or tell stories about him without falling apart.

3. Express regrets without undue guilt.

4. Love others without feeling they are betraying the deceased.

5. Write the word “widow” without feeling abandoned.

I can honestly say I can do most of these. I acknowledge that there might be times of lapses but I understand this is normal and expected. It is not intended to wipe away the memory of your loved one but to adapt into a New Life without Forgetting the Old.

This involves…..

1. Developing a new relationship with the deceased.

2. Keeping your loved one “alive” appropriately.

3. Forming a new identity based on your being without this person and encompassing the changes you have made to adjust to his death.

4. Taking the freed-up emotional energy that used to be invested in your loved one and reinvesting it in other relationships, objects, activities, roles, and hopes that can offer emotional satisfaction back to you. “

This book has been very helpful to me. I am thinking of going back to school to finish my degree, making deeper commitments in friendships, and my focus in my work is coming back. Life is good. Thank you Lord!

I have also finished my Friendship Shawl. How appropriate for me to have finished it when I am completing my grief work. This shawl is a celebration of the friendship and support given me. I will be giving it to a very special friend. It is a garter stitch shawl with a Feather and Fan pattern knitted in to prevent the shawl from falling off the shoulders. I knit it dark red Superwash wool . Mornings are still chilly and should come in handy on those cold mornings.

Friendship Shawl

Feather & Fan pattern

Happy New Year 2011

2011-01-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe another year has slipped away! However, rather than reflect on the past, I feel it is important that I focus on the future. Perhaps this is a turning point for me. I need to think on the positive as Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever, is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Of course, when one focuses on the future, one needs to have a goal. I don’t think I made many New Years resolutions last year as I feel I had little control of it. I had to surrender totally to where God was to take us. The surrender is still there, but I want to have a little direction for my life, at least the part I have some control over.

Here are some of my initial resolutions:

1. Declutter my home- I am reading a book called “The Joy of Less, Minimalist Living Guide: How to declutter, Organize, and Simplify Your Life.”

2. Find more time to connect with people. Build relationships. Visit more with people, especially those that have less support.

3. Read more. I’ve given up on TV-can’t get many channels in my area anyway. Most TV is bad news, too. I do not want cable-too expensive. I’ll stick to the internet and Kindle books.

4. Downsize my fiber inventory. Why am I keeping so much around? I have less time to use it.

5. Have fun with the grandkids. What a joy they are and a challenge. Give them a supportive, stable and loving living environment.

6. Read through Proverbs.

7. Loose weight: find time to exercise. Consider joining a gym.

8. Stick to my budget. Save up to take my grandkids to Disneyland.

9. Take a weekend trip before summer.

10. Experience Joy! Last year it was the Search for Joy. This year, I want to experience more Joy than ever before.

A Christmas of Memories and Love

2010-12-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

I really didn’t know what to expect from this Christmas. I wanted it to be as normal as possible but of course, it wasn’t. An important part of our family, Walter, husband, father, grandfather, brother, friend, pun master, was not here to celebrate with us this year. He loved Christmas and his sense of humor and childlike excitement made it fun. How were we ever to recapture that which was now lost to us?

Despite the melancholy memories of Christmas past that crossed our minds from time to time, we were able to be surrounded by love for each other. This year there were more hugs of reassurance, to remind us “we are still a family”. This year we added to our circle some new friends and acquaintances that felt like a new family. Rather than isolate ourselves, we tried to be inclusive. We felt the love and caring for one another.

We enjoyed the childlike excitement of our grandkids, ages 2 and 4 that was contagious and charming. We played Candyland and Shutes and Ladders, as well as the adult strategic games we have enjoyed in the past.

When the day was over and the giftwrap discarded, we discovered that we still had one more present to give. The day after Christmas, there was a piano dedication for our church in memory of my late husband and his family, who were charter members of the church. It was filled with wonderful hymns, a very practical and encouraging message by the pastor, and a special music by our son and pianist that summed up all that we had experienced that weekend.

Hanging of the Greens

2010-12-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

And the pastor announced, “Next week, we will be decorating the church”. All of a sudden my mind flashes back 35 years ago to the Annual “Hanging of the Greens”. Same church, … some of the same people. Instead of the energetic youthful spirits of teenagers, there are energetic senior men climbing ladders to put up Christmas lights and a Christmas angel on top of the tree, and gentle senior women hanging handcrafted ornaments on the branches. There are garlands of green and red flowers wrapped around banisters and pillars near pews. The greenery may not necessarily have that fresh pine and douglas firs smell of old, but the effect was one of beauty and joy. As teens, we used to climb into the Red Van of one of our fellow youth and raid the Christmas tree lots for discarded greenery from trimmed trees. A nighttime Christmas scene was also being built by the Vietnamese church members who now share the church facilities.

I cannot recall when this tradition started, but I remember participating in it with my young friends. In fact, it may be one of the first fun events that drew me to return to this lovely church where I gave my life to follow Christ as my Savior and that gave me a special meaning to celebrate His birth. It was a lovely time and 35 years later was no different. There was much joy and laughter mixed in with some melancholy memories of church members laid to rest or those who have moved on. Of course, I could not help but think about my Walter and how he loved this time of year.

Isn’t it amazing?! It made me realize that life will go on and so will Christmas until every day will be celebrated of the Lord’s coming. Emmanuel, God is with US.

Catching Up with Crochet

2010-12-12T07:09:00.000-08:00

I know I have been writing more about my family events and my coping in widowhood, but I do have some craft talk to share…..

I have a friend whom I reconnected with, staying in a convalescent care center for an uncertain amount of time. I was very thrilled to know she was crocheting a lot, making lap robes and blankets, to pass the time. I brought her a big bag of acrylic yarn from my stash. It was like watching a child open up presents on Christamas. She was so excited. What a joy!

How interesting to talk about crocheting with a fellow crafter! She shared with me the wish to relearn making granny squares and learn how to make a ripple crochet stitch. I looked among my many books and found one that had patterns for both.

Describing to her how to make the stitches was rather confusing, so I decided to make a swatch for her to follow. It all came back to me as I crocheted that granny square and then the ripple stitch swatch. I suppose I can make them into scarves or something small so that the sample will not be wasted.

Presently, I am forging ahead on my knit friendship shawl, which is almost long enough to cover the shoulders adequately. When it is done, I will crochet an edging and perhaps add some buttons to close it and block it. The feather and fan pattern will show better when blocked.

I am also knitting on some slippers for my grandkids that will be felted. I’m guessing at the size as they should be. They should be larger so as to shrink when felted.

I seem to be finding more time to knit again. I am beginning to settle in a routine. I can only take so much audio input of screaming little voices of my excited grandchildren, before I have to retreat to my quiet sanctuary, plug in a quiet Christmas CD, curl up in my comfy recliner and knit a few minutes before the grandkids discover my hiding place. Ah…..isn’t grandmotherhood glorious!

When Life Gives you Lemons, make lemonade!

2010-12-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

I recall people saying “Live each day the fullest. You never know when you can be crossing the street and get hit by a car!” A few days ago this event became very real to me. I was hit by a car crossing the street….well perhaps bumped by a car backing up while parking is the reality and I was knocked down with a jolt. Perhaps I’m being a little overdramatic. There were no serious injuries, just a few bumps and bruises.

I was about to step up to the curb between two parked cars after crossing the street and suddenly I realized I had been hit and was on the ground. I was stunned and thankful to be able stand on my own after a few minutes. I don’t blame the driver. I suppose I was in her blindside. She was more upset than I was, and I was trying to comfort and reassure her.

Some people are beginning to think I am cursed with bad luck, but this is not so. After losing a husband to cancer, having to share my house with son and his family due to multiple difficulties and now this, it would seem that nothing could be worse. However, in fact, I feel more blessed than ever before.

My husband’s loss has allowed me to reconnect with friends that truly care and provide emotional support. I can never be lonely with such active grandchildren around in the house and the accident…..well… perhaps, it is God reminding me to get enough sleep, be alert and take care of myself. The accident could have been worse and wasn’t. As I was lying on the x-ray table, I couldn’t help but miss Walter and think, “Walter should be here”. However, I was comforted by the fact that my son, whom I work with, was there with me now, even braving coming into the exam room with me to give me the support and assistance. How comforting to know that my children are there for me when I need them.

Moving Day

2010-11-28T07:15:00.000-08:00

Hitching a ride on the Moving truck with Dad

With Thanksgiving behind us, our focus turned to moving a son and his family in with me. The troops were called out-my 3 sons and sister-in-law, to help pack, tote and load up the moving truck, borrowed from our local storage place. I was assigned Grandma duty---watching the grandkids, ages 2 & 4 and keeping them out of everyone’s way.

I came to the realization that living with two very active grandchildren will have some challenges. Within the first 30 min of arrival at my house, there were spills and wet clothes, changing of clothes (twice), and facilitation of a peaceful solution to an altercation between the two sibs, that seems to happen with frequency to cause one’s head to spin. Nevertheless, this time, it resulted in a lesson on “forgiveness” and so was worth the effort. I have learned a lot about children over the last 20 years as a Head Start Nurse, having gone back to the workforce after my own 3 sons were passed this challenging age. I will get to put into practice a second time the things I learned.

The one thing that doesn’t quite mesh, is that I don’t seem to have the same amount of energy I did 25 years ago. Who would have thought? My heart goes out to all those lovely, brave grandparents of my age or older, trying to raise their grandchildren for whatever reasons. They are the true heros.

Just in the knick of time, the truck carrying the big furniture arrived and we managed to find places, although temporary, for it all. Everyone was exhausted including the kids!

What do we like about moving day?...........Bedtime!!!!!!

A Real Family Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

The decision to hostess the family Thanksgiving was not an easy one. No one expected me to do this, having lost my husband four months ago, but I felt I needed to get back to a normal holiday routine. I wondered if I didn't find some joy in this holiday, there was a good chance future Thanksgivings and Christmas may be permanently altered. Of course, I weep for the missing presence of Walter, but I know he would want me to go on with my life in the best way I could manage. Life goes on, and what better way to convince ourselves of this fact, than getting together with family. My sons have always considered holidays for family. and this year "Home for the Holidays" should take on a special meaning of "togetherness". So the invitations went out and everyone I invited accepted-----all 18 people!

I really wanted to make this Thanksgiving special and went all out to decorate and cook the main dishes of turkey and ham. Preparing for it, like preparing for Walter’s memorial, was very therapeutic for me. Holidays seem to be hard when you lose a loved one. Although there were times to shed tears, I kept very busy with preparations without much time to think and grieve. Working from dawn to bedtime helped me sleep well enough for each new day. I saw my goal and went to work completing it.

It all paid off in a lovely Thanksgiving potluck, warmly and deliciously contributed by all. We had more food than we could eat. We had good conversation, played some fun games and even had my 4 yr old granddaughter make some crafts with the help of my dear friend. There were lots of giggles and smiles as contestants exchanged socks, danced while humming a tune, held a silver spoon in their mouth (I bet you thought people were born with this---wink!) and had lively debate on whether you would give up kissing or saying “I love you”, and whether you would rather have “smart” children or “beautiful” children. It was the best family time I've had in a long time. I love my family and our friends felt like family, as well. Everything seemed to click together.

How blessed we all felt. God is indeed good! In the words of Tiny Tim, “God Bless us, Everyone!”

To store or not to store. That is the question!

2010-11-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

The clock struck 4:00…then 4:30. “I really need to go home”, I thought to myself. Yet, with a whole week off for Thanksgiving I just had to wrap a few things up at work. Finally, 4:45 p.m. I’m done.

So….you know the thing about best laid plans are…..that they are likely to change, and yes, mine were disrupted and I had to go to a back up plan. All week I have been trying to clean out my house so my son and his family could move in. Both my son and I had to downsize our belongings and I decided to have a yarn (oops Freudian slip there) yard sale. On Wednesday prior, I go to the City Hall to get a permit for my Yard Sale and this is where I first hear that the forecast is for rain this weekend. I check the weather report every day and by Friday at 4:45 there is an 80% chance for rain starting that night.

RAIN!!!!.....Where am I going to put all this stuff for the Yard Sale? For weeks, I have been slowly boxing up stuff ready to sell and now my garage is full, my house is full, I can’t have a yard sale and I am planning to host Thanksgiving for 18 people. I decide to call out the troups…….my sister-in-law and sons. I decided to rent a storage space nearby and they help me load up the yard sale stuff.

One problem…….I still have a lot of stuff, the stuff I planned to keep still in the house and the garage is full. My sister-in-law has a heart-to-heart talk with me. “You are dreaming if you think you are going to find places for this stuff and have enough room for 18 people for Thanksgiving and your son’s family move in”. I guess I really needed a reality check.

Why is it so hard to let go of things? Believe it or not the things I was most protective of was my fiber stash! The wool fleeces, the lbs and lbs of roving, the hand-spun yarn patiently hand spun on my spinning wheel. There was no way I was going to do anything with it all in the next few weeks. I was so protective and feared moth and silverfish infestation, which is the anathema of fiberholics. I previously had a beautiful prize fleece disintegrate into crumbs while being stored in the garage for a few months. I could just imagine those silverfish feasting hungrily on the fleece with regret. So I gathered up a little faith and lots of courage, had the fiber double bagged in plastic, and waved goodbye with a tear in my eye, to the car loaded with my fiber, driving down the street to storage. Later that day, my family and I went to see the new Harry Potter movie and saw ads for a new cable show about Storage Auction. I think to myself, someone is going to be very disappointed if they ever auction my storage……I hope they like fiber!

I grieve that I hardly had time to get used to all the space and freedom I had, after moving all my sons out and then loosing Walter, and now I think I need to start all over again. I can kiss the 31-year accumulation good-bye. I’m back to living in a one-room bedroom. Some have said that the purging is good for the soul. I’m not sure I see that yet. I feel this is the start of a very difficult series of events and changes I will need to go through. I’m missing my husband. However, I am glad to be having family and friends come together to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I count my blessings and Thank God for a wonderful church family. Today we had the annual Church Homecoming. I sent out an invite and several responded and came. It was so nice to see them again. I really want to stay in touch. Life and time is too precious to waste. I realize I need to make more time to develop friendships.

Falling leaves

2010-11-07T16:47:00.000-08:00

I was driving around doing some shopping and I could not help but notice more leaves on the ground and trees in multiple colors. In California, we have a very short changing of the leaves season. I usually do not notice this much as it goes by quickly, but today the evidence of “fall” was all around. The wind was blowing, large piles of red, orange and brown leaves littered the highways and lawns. I was overtaken by all of the color of it. I felt a little pang of regret that I have never been to the east coast to experience their “Changing of the Colors” in fall. Perhaps, someday.

All of this inspired me to get some decorations for Thanksgiving, as I plan to hostess the family dinner at my home this year. So I venture over to Michael’s, my favorite local craft store and my senses explode with the joy of ………………Christmas! There are Christmas decorations everywhere. The first Christmas carols I hear are being played over their intercom. Did I miss Fall? I must have blinked and it passed right by me.

Fortunately, I was able to find some left over Fall decorations in the clearance section. The next store I went, I had a similar experience. Doesn’t anyone celebrate Thanksgiving and fall anymore? How sad for the times? This little holiday is probably the most important one where we should appreciate, and give thanks to the God that blessed us.

Fall is such a quiet reflective time. As the leaves turn and die, falling slowly to the ground, one cannot help but think about our losses. Of course, heavy on my mind is my husband of 33 years. I am missing his presence in my life. He was a quiet man that preferred anonymity and the self-reflective times of listening to audiobooks or watching movies. He never really had any personal desires to go to places but pleasantly accompanied me and was good company in my desired excursions. Of course, some of these excursions, I went solo, but I am glad that this has given me some confidence and independence as I go through my future without him.

I also reflect of the losses of friends and family over the past few years. Some were lost to sudden accidents and some to illnesses. I miss them too, and grieve for their absence in my life and what the future may have been like, if they were alive today. I grieve for friends and family going through tough times economically now. Never before have we Baby Boomers experienced such a “Depression” like era that our parents experienced. It really makes us think about what is important. It gives us something to tell our grandchildren about our struggles that will inspired them to be survivors, just as the stories our grandparents and parents shared with us did.

Nevertheless, when leaves die, seeds are shed to grow new life. Death always brings renewal. My loss has lead me to renew friendships that are becoming very dear to me. I am striving to renew a purpose of servanthood, wherever I am needed, be it calling a friend that needs encouragement, or baking pumpkin bread to share with workmates and family. My days and nights are filled with purpose leaving me very little time to feel sorry for myself. Thank you, God, for this blessing. Isn’t He so great to know what we need and put opportunities out there for us to take on?

Grief work

2010-10-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have been staring at my blog for the past 15 minutes realizing that I should write something soon. Some may be wondering how I am doing and others may be more interested in knowing what kind of fibery insights I may have to share. I do not have much to tell except that I am doing well.

I feel the pain of my grieving is getting less as I have passed the 3-month mark. There are moments that I miss Walter and I encounter things that trigger tears and sadness of him not being here, but I am learning to accept my situation more and move on.

As I get through the widow’s work of figuring out the paperwork associated with insurance, and financial settlements, I am feeling more confident. I have learned so much in a short period of time about insurance and IRA’s than I care to, but it is necessary to my survival, especially in these low economic times.

My work continues to be all consuming, as I struggle to add more management responsibilities to my all already overwhelming work responsibilities. I suppose I should feel good that my boss feels I am capable of doing the work, regardless of my loss. However, I have had to force myself not to take work home, as I need this time for me and my grief work. It becomes a shaky balance.

In thinking about grief, I realize we ALL do some kind of grieving in our lives. Everytime we have a disappointment or a loss of some kind whether it be personal, physical, relational or an object, some part of us not only feels sad, but it can cause a little part of us to die with it. Some of it can be resurrected and healed and others cannot. This means it is all part of the cycle of life and we should not hide from it but face it head on. When we do this, it may help us get through it quicker.

So my overall objective is to find “Joy” in life. Even our trials can be considered joyful. How? You might ask? Last Sunday, our teacher/pastor mentioned a Bible scripture, “Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever, you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4”. What a profound thought!

On the fibery front, I am getting ready to sort out my very large fiber collection and get rid of some of it. I must make room for my son and his family to move in, and I grieve the loss of my fiber storage places in our two spare bedroom. Nevertheless, it must happen and I will need to be selective as to what to keep for my projects. I am still working on my Friendship shawl from the fall issue of Spin-Off Magazine. My goal is to finish by Christmas.

With the holidays around the corner, I am looking forward to them. I love to have family around. Holidays are the times everyone comes home to rest and relax. I want to keep that tradition as long as possible and hope that it will continue to renew our peace and love for each other.

Finding Joy

2010-10-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

I’m on a quest of finding “joy”and beauty in the world. I am trying hard to keep my spirits up without any medicinal aids. If I am going to get through this process called “grieving”, I cannot solely rely on medication that would give me artificial joy. I feel I must first explore things that surround me already that I can choose to find joy in.

One of the places I decided to start with is my bedroom. I needed a change. I have always loved patchwork quilts. I guess it’s the crafty/artsy part of me. It is also the pioneer woman spirit in me to marvel at the advanced thinking, planning and working out a pattern that is pleasing to one’s eye that one has the talent to do. So I decided to go on an Internet search for a patchwork quilt. Unfortunately, there was not many choices displayed. Most were very drab color combinations and I felt I needed some rich color to wake me up with joy!

I happened to be browsing through Walmart the other day, and decided to see what the Bedding section had to offer. Lo and behold, something caught my eye and held it. It was a beautiful Shooting star quilt in bright reds, blues, yellow and greens. The main color was red, which is my favorite color. Red represents love and passion and life. I spent all evening dismantling my heavy waterbed by myself to put on a new bed skirt and comforter set. It is absolutely beautiful. It was well worth the effort. Even though, initially, I thought about buying something feminine and “girly”, as I didn’t have a man to compromise with, I think this pattern can be very neutral. I know Walter loved red and would have been happy with this bed cover. Now, I am thinking…….perhaps a little new paint on the walls to bring out the color……..

Next week I will have my sons help me move my recliner in my bedroom, giving me a quiet place to read, knit and think when I want to. I am also working on a Thomas Kinkade puzzle called Make A Wish Cottage. I have always loved Thomas Kinkade paintings of cottages. This one also has lots of color and light. When I am finished with it, I will frame it and hang it by my recliner to gaze and dream at. I dream of having happy grandchildren around to love. I imagine myself sitting in this recliner with one of each side of me listening to me read them a book. I dream of smiling faces wanting to spend time in Grandma’s room to play and find secret hiding places to play “hide and seek”. I dream of having them nap in this room when they are tired from the day’s activities in a quiet place away from the TV.

Happiness is finding “joy”!

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, JOY, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down (A Carpenter song)

2010-10-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

The weather has changed to fall. Days are cooler, the sun sets earlier and rises later. I suppose some feelings of melancholy are inevitable. Soon it will be three months since Walter passed. I am missing him more each day. The rainy days seem so much more lonely and quiet. The thunder fills the house with empty echos. I curl up and cuddle up to a pillow instead of him. However, God has planned a change.

My son and his family with my two very active grandchildren will be moving in with me for awhile. There are a lot of reasons for this and it seems like this is the best solution for everyone concerned. Still, it will be an adjustment. I will be giving up my quiet and solitude. It will be harder to have privacy and quiet. I will need to find a place of sanctuary within my home. This is a place I can retreat to find my inner peace and listen to God and knit away my thoughts and dreams.

Much has to be done to get ready to have five more people living in the home. I will have to buckle down and get rid of the lifetime of accumulated things. I have saved them, hoping to have them useful someday. I’ve come to a point in my life that “someday” is now past. The things have outlived their usefulness and now these things are just in the way. With Walter’s death, it has become very enlightening to me that you can’t take these “things” with you when you die, so why am I keeping them? Yes, some things are still sentimental and I keep a few because they hold a special memory tied to them. So…..I will be passing some of those “things” around…..some to those who have their own memories to keep and remember, and to those who will make new memories of the “things”.

My new focus will be people and relationships, not “things”. God will provide what I need. He always has. This focus was not easy before, as Walter was somewhat anti-social, but God has given me a second chance to “serve mankind”. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that God isn’t finished with me yet and I must not give up hope. I still can do some service in this world, whether it be in my work, in my friendships or in any other encounter. I am sure God will lead me to the opportunities to minister to people and in this process, I will find a healing from my grief. I have always felt better to be needed and feel an increased self-esteem if I can fill a need.

So as I contemplate the “rainy days and Mondays”, I have hope that after the rain, there will always come the sunshine, and I will be on “the top of world” (a Carpenter song) looking, not down as a God would, but “over” as a helping partner. This is my dream. Is it too much to ask for?

Getting on with Life: Lambtown USA 2010

2010-10-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, I made a trip to Oceanside with some friends. It was Walter and My Wedding Anniversary. I feel I survived this well enough to feel confident to attempt a trip a little further away from home.

Lambtown in Dixon, CA is an Annual Sheep and Fiber Festival. I asked a friend to go with me this year. This was also a festival that Walter and I enjoyed going to. He liked the animals and I liked the fiber competitions. One year, I had been bold enough to compete myself and came in a decent 3rd out of about a 10 contestants in the Spinning Contest the first year they had this contest. My friend C, is a widow, too, and I felt it would do us both some good to get away and do something enjoyable. Although she wasn’t as interested in fibercrafts as much as I, I think she enjoyed some of it. We were a little disappointed that some regular events such as Mutton Bustin’, Sheep Dog Herding Trials, and Sheep Shearing Competition were cancelled. However, there was still a lot going on and I hope you will bear with my commentary on some of the events.

Lovely Gentle Alpacas

Sheep Ready for Competition

Ungroomed sheep: Ready for Mischief

Jacob sheep

There were a Sheep Show and an Alpaca show. Several breeds of sheep were competing. I especially liked the Jacob sheep that had brown, black and white spots with horns. These are called Jacob sheep because of the Bible passage in Genesis 30, where Abraham agreed to only claim the spotted sheep from his father-in-law, Laban’s, flock to build his own wealth.

My friend liked the Alpacas. They were very cute and gentle. They make such gentle cooing sounds, nothing like the baa-ing of a sheep. There were two or three barns of the alpacas in various black, browns, tans and white colors. Their fur is one of the softest, warmest fiber and is used to make nice comfortable garments.

Weaving a Shawl in the Sheep to Shawl Competition

Judging the winning Shawl: I love the colors

The Sheep to Shawl competition had three groups competing. Only two groups finished on time in 4 ½ hours. The wool this year was CVM (California Varigated Mutant). They created a beautiful shawl. It was fun watch the seven team members, card the dyed fiber, spin it, ply it and weave it on a loom.

A Very Fine Orenburg Lace Shawl: Amazingly Fine

The Vendor hall was full with a variety of Fibers, yarns and accessories for sale. There wer e also some beautiful fleeces to buy and it was very hard to control myself from buying another fleece. I still have some fleeces I purchased a year ago that need to be processed. I may have to send them to get processed professionally. I ended up getting some beautiful BFL/silk blend roving and 2 ropes in the colors of reds and blues of merino/silk and merino/bamboo roving to spin. I was simply fascinated with the Carding demonstration of a Patrick Green production Supercard carding machine. If I ever wanted to process fiber in great qualities, this would be ideal. Alas, I will have to be content with my Patrick Green Deb’s Deluxe for small projects.

There was a Best Spinner Contest this year made up of 5 contestants. The prize this year was a Spinolution Spinning Wheel. We watched as the contestants were given different mystery fibers and demonstrated their spinning abilities. We didn’t stay for all the competition but enjoyed watching what we saw.

Handspinning Competition

The music on the Stage was very enjoyable. They had some Christian, Dixieland, Blues and Bluegrass groups, as well as demos from children’s Dance studio and Karate clubs. We spent a lot of time listening to them.

One of the best things this year was the Food. There were several vendors and a rule this year was that each one had to sell at least one lamb product. After watching a Lamb cooking demonstration, we dug in and bought a BBQ Lamb Sampler: loin, chop & ribs from Superior Farms Vendor. It was absolutely delicious.

A Very Creative Display of Dyed Skeins of Handspun Yarn

Lambtown was a nice weekend get away. We survived it and enjoyed each other’s company. I feel like another hurdle has been crossed. I am still alive and look forward to the next adventure.

Widow's Work

2010-10-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

One doesn’t realize that being a widow has a very unique list of tasks associated with it. Using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs there is….

Basic Survival: When a loved one dies, a widow may not be aware of her own needs. She has been so focused on taking care of another, especially if the loved one was ill, that it may take some time to realize that she is still alive. Once this sets in, careful attention is paid by others or oneself to ensure that these basic needs are met, i.e food, shelter, keeping body well, enough sleep, etc. Yes, “life” goes on…..

Safety: A person takes for granted her safety needs while her spouse or loved one is alive, knowing that she can call upon them to help her feel secure and safe, even when not physically present. She knows that she has someone to come home to. She feels protected. Once, that spouse leaves or dies, she has to rethink her resources for safety. Never again will she look at her house and surroundings in the same way. She has to be more vigilant as she enters her residence or arrange to have backup friends, neighbors, pets, family on speed dial or quickly available to help her when her safety is compromised.

Psychological-Love & Belonging: Connecting with other people is vital. Established friendships need to be nurtured and new friendships established. If there are few resources available from family or acquaintances, this is where support groups are helpful. A widow has a lot to deal with psychologically. To get a handle on it, having a friend or family member she can share with, and support her emotionally is so important to moving through the phases of grief. I am trying to send thank you cards to all who took the time to send me a card, do something special for me, or gave me a gift. This is my affirmation that I am loved and cared for. It’s a small task of acknowledgment to send a thank you, but so important to moving through my grief and connecting with people.

Self-Actualization: Building confidence & Self-esteem—Now the hard work of widowhood begins. On the task list: making calls to family, friends, employers and businesses, making claims for life insurance and benefits, planning a budget, getting bills paid, making decisions about living arrangements, taking trips and celebrating holidays/special days without your loved one. As some of these get taken care of, one may also explore doing different and new things that was not done with the spouse. These are all things that build that confidence and work through the grief. I deliberately did not say “ease” the grief. Everyone has a different intensity of the grief they experience and one person’s grief does not fit all. However, building one’s confidence and self-esteem will make life much more worth the living.

Some people are saying that I am doing extremely well with my widowhood. I feel blessed that I have had the very best of resources to support me, a loving family, committed friends, a sense of security and a confidence in my abilities. I know, however, that there will be times of insecurity and emotional instability but, I am blessed with a God, who loves me and will take care of me. My faith in Him is very strong and unwavering.

My supports….

My Traveling friend

My family

My Bible Study friends

September 18, 1976

2010-09-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

Thirty four years ago, a young couple, celebrated their wedding day. Yes, it’s that important day again. This time ½ of us is not here. It the first hurdle of difficult days I will have to cross. I have been trying to contain my emotion with busyness and going out with friends. When my friends offered to take me some weekend to their condo near the beach, I thought what better weekend to be distracted than this weekend. I can’t help feel a little melancholy thinking how Walter will be missing this. If he were here we would most likely be taking a weekend away or if we wanted a more low key time, out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

Sept 24, 2010

Well, I have survived the weekend. In fact, it was rather enjoyable and lovely. My friends were perfect hosts and they kept me adequately busy with walks on the beach, enjoying a visit from their daughter, son-in-law, and their three lovely, enjoyable grandkids, a Woody Car Show where we met up with other friends, and shopping at a nearby marina. The things I enjoyed most were the walks on the beach and the serenity it brought to my spirit. The evenings as I went to bed were somewhat teary-eyed as I thought about Walter and wrote a letter to him, feeling that although he could not share it with me in presence, he could in spirit. Had he been able and fit, he would have loved everything about that weekend.

The week following has been stressful at work and nothing seemed to go right. I am trying to just let God lead the way. I am blessed to have good friends available just to chat and debrief my difficult days. To keep my spirits up, I bought myself an anniversary present of the whole TV series of Ally McBeal. It was one of my favorite shows. They really make me laugh and makes me feel that there are times when it is OK to be a little qwerky and deranged, and to not take life too serious all the time.

The other day I was going through my rather large stash of Acrylic yarn to give a convalescing friend who makes lap robes for the elderly and bed / wheelchair bound, and I got that itch again to start something new. I just couldn’t help myself. I found some Knitpicks Superwash Wool and started to knit a shawl for a friend. I am trying to do a few rows a night and hopefully, by Christmas, it will be done. This calming activity does me so much good as I laugh and watch Ally McBeal. I feel I am productive, despite the failures and disappointments at work. This hard week has me thinking of reconsidering my job options.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary Stevenson, 1936

Starting a New Life

2010-09-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

Life does go on, as they say. There is no avoiding it. Either you can watch it go by or step up and get on the Carousel of Life. For me, I have chosen to get on and continue the merry go round of trying to survive in this world alone. Well, perhaps, not so alone.

I am finding the confidence to seek out renewing friendships and taking action to become involved in knowing my friends better and they me. It has been quite comforting and connecting. In fact, I am surprised to find it quite enjoyable. I almost feel like the real me has been lying dormant for a good portion of my life and now that there are no distractions I can actively participate in conversations that are interesting to me. I don’t know why this is such a surprise to me but it is.

My work continues to be a challenge, yet I still plug away and do the best I can there. My family and I support each other in so many ways. We have learned to help each other when needed. I’m just so glad we are all within 40 miles of each other. My home seems to be homebase for family gatherings, which keeps me from being lonely for too long. Family are always popping in to stay the night and it is wonderful. Neighbors are close-by with support as well.

As the holiday season starts, at least for my family, with Labor Day, it gives me a chance to think about knitting projects I will want to make as Christmas gifts. As my social life picks up, spending my time with friends, my knitting time is less, so I feel the need to get started early. I really want to try to do something with my handspun yarn. The start of fall brings thoughts of fiber festivals and wondering if I will attend this year. I am thinking I would love to go the Lambtown, USA in October. I will have to choose carefully who I can go with as I fear this will bring some pleasant and melancholy memories of the time Walter and I spent there together. It was our favorite fiber festival.

I feel God had given me an internship in managing all the aspects of a household for the last two years or so. My internship is over and now is when it really counts. Yet, I still have so much to learn about investing and growing money. It all seems so complicated. I am fortunate to have good tutors available in my parents and friends who can guide me in this. I am very blessed.

Isn’t God good? He has never let me down. I really love and trust him completely.

It's the little things.....

2010-08-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

This is a time of slow and careful reflection, as you can well imagine. Despite the busyness of work and family, I still have a lot of time to think. I think about the past year and a half and what we’ve been through. I think about the shock of Walter’s diagnosis and as this news sank in, the journey toward building faith, trust and acceptance that God is in control no matter what happens. Even beyond this, the realization that God chooses things to work perfectly and I have no doubt he will continue to do this in my life.

I think about the little things God has taught me through this experience, the little lessons in character building.

Patience

I always thought that when God was handing out gifts, he had given me an extra share of patience. Nevertheless, he made sure to give me an extra helping with Walter’s illness. There was so much waiting: waiting in doctor’s offices, waiting for lab and diagnostic results, waiting during chemo treatments, waiting to speak to the doctors during the eight hospitalizations Walter experienced, waiting for the morning to come to report a concern, waiting at home to care for him. Although these periods had the potential for causing extreme anxiety, God also gave me a means of calming my heart and hands and listening to him….my knitting. I made Walter arm warmers, hats and mittens to keep him warm. At other times I made socks and hats for others. It was very comforting and productive and each finished object rewarded me for my patience.

Trust

When one hears the diagnosis of cancer, there is a natural reaction to ask God, “Why? Why us? Why now?” When you can get through the shock and disbelief and accept it, one moves through to, “Ok, God. It is there, so will you help us get through this?” There is just no other alternative but to trust that He knows all, He will be in control, and He has a plan.

Compassion and kindness

This is very different from pity and sympathy. Compassion is having a deep heartfelt understanding of another’s plight and imagining what it is like for the other in pain and discomfort. Anyone can “ pity” and have sympathy for another, but compassion goes a step further and does something to make another feel better. I have had a measure of compassion for others, being a nurse as my profession. It’s not always easy to feel the same for a family member, or a person you live with day in and day out. I had to dig deep to show that compassion and caring when Walter was stubborn and I felt he wasn’t doing his part to get better and follow doctor’s recommendations. Despite my fatigue from my 8-9 hr job, I was able to come home to make him comfortable and respond to his needs at a very intimate level. I think he recognized that this was truly from a “Love” for him, no matter how difficult he was. He would frequently say, “How will I ever make it up to you?” His acknowledgement was all I needed.

Courage and inner strength

I suppose it could have been easier to fall apart and let others take over. However, this was never acceptable for me. I have always felt better to have a small measure of control in my life. Looking ahead at the realization of the impact that cancer can do to a person and their future was frequently frightening. There were several times I was so overwhelmed I struggled with depression myself. Yet, there was a realization that a lot of people were counting on me; my workmates and the families and children I serve, my family who looked to me as an anchor in keeping the family home going, and my dear husband who learned to be totally dependent on me, when he could not advocate for himself among the medical professionals caring for him. It took tremendous courage and strength to keep my emotions under control and not break down in a helpless heap of tears. When things seemed overwhelming, I turned it over to God and let him take care of us, which he did in everyway. He lead us to compassionate medical staff at the City of Hope, and he sent people to help us apply for benefits to keep our finances and bills taken care of. He brought generous friends and family who gave us respite and gifts of encouragement. This all helped me have strength and courage to keep functioning, making decisions to get through each day.

Even now, as Walter has passed and I miss him terribly, I keep that courage and strength going as I now have to find a new future without him and a new life. I feel I have become a better person from this experience and hope in some small way I can pass on some of this to those I come in contact with.

“I believe…..Help Thou my unbelief

I walk into the unknown trusting like a child….”

From a Bill Gaither Song

Redefining My Purpose

2010-08-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe it is almost a month since Walter passed. I still feel like I’m living in a dream that I will wake up from and he will be coming home from the hospital soon.

The Memorial Service and reception was perfect in everyway. We had a beautiful California day in the 80s which is unusual for August. About 150 people attended and most stayed for the reception after. There was good food, good sharing all around and so many generous donations of deserts by the attendees. Everyone had wonderful things to say about Walter. I especially liked the funny things they said which were heartwarming and reflected the Walter I knew who made me laugh. I had a chance to greet most from different groups of people; family, friends, co-workers: mine and his, neighbors and church friends. I really felt we were one big family, which is what I hoped for in this gathering. It felt like a homecoming, meeting in the church Walter and I met, grew in the Lord and married.

As my family and I deal with our grief, we are blessed to have our work to distract us. My sons and I are back to work, trying to live our lives with a special memory of Walter kept in our hearts and with some peace that he is having some interesting conversations with the Lord in Heaven. This gives my heart a great sense of peace and comfort….one that surprised me. As our pastor put it “How can we live in this world without knowing the Lord?” For some reason I don’t have the gut-renching emptiness I had expected. I am at peace, assured where Walter is and that I will someday join him. I have no regrets or guilt to carry. Walter and I were at peace with whatever the outcome was to be. Of course, I will miss him greatly and wholeheartedly….but God is not done with me yet. I feel my purpose goes beyond serving my husband as a wife. I feel I still have a purpose to fulfill.

So as I try to piece my life back together and figure out what direction the Lord will guide me, I have slowly picked up my knitting again. I am working on simple baby socks. I need small projects right now as my attention span is short and there is much I have to figure out with paperwork and maintaining the house, which is now my sole responsibility. I am thankful for a home base my family can come to for respite and relaxation.

This year ---No Fireworks!

2010-08-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

How does one account for the worst month in one’s life?

July 4^th was W’s birthday! In the past, our family celebrated it together with a barbeque followed by fireworks in the front yard. This year- no fireworks! We didn’t have the heart to have them without “DAD”. W was still in the hospital and fortunately was moved from ICU to a room facing a west window on the 6^th floor which was the Bone Marrow Floor. He was still having some breathing issues but not serous enough to stay in ICU.

After our family barbeque at home, we visited W, bringing him balloons and gifts. The nurses had earlier given him a small birthday cake but he was unable to eat it due to nausea. We spent an hour celebrating with him. He was getting concentrated oxygen but I think he enjoyed it. We were unable to stay to see fireworks with him but he told us the nurses turned his bed facing the window so he could see the aerial fireworks over Monrovia.

A week after, he had pneumonia and a virus in the blood which was treated aggressively with antibiotics. W tried hard to get better, wanting to do everything possible to return home. He tried to keep up his strength up with physical therapy but constantly battled drops in his blood pressure. He shared with me that on a good day, the nurses talked him into getting masked and covered to be allowed to walk outside his room in the hall. This was the first time he was able to leave his room in 3 months. It helped him feel like he was just a little closer to going home.

Over the next few weeks his condition worsened to the point of returning to ICU. After another bronchoscopy, the doctors informed us that the bacteria in his lungs was resistant to all the antibiotics and his new stem cells were not strong enough to fight the infection-there was nothing else that could be done. Walter passed into his heavenly home with his family surrounding him July 27, 2010 at sunset. I now have the memories of 33 years of a loving marriage to cherish. .

Hospital Transient

2010-07-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

Just when one gets comfortable with the way things seem to be going, there is something that throws a kink in the chain of events.

I wish I could say that W’s recovery is going as expected but it hasn’t. It seems that God wants to keep us guessing what he wants for W. We knew going into this stem cell transplant that there might be a few issues, especially relating to W’s heart. Actually the stem cell transplant, after seeming to be sleeping is holding its own. There is definitely something happening, but W’s CHF (congestive heart failure) is testing the body reserves even more than usual. From the Bone Marrow Floor at City of Hope he developed a minor heart irregularity and was moved to ICU. Weeks later, his heart rate and blood pressure was under control and he was moved to a Telemetry unit to monitor his heart. Now, the fluid retention is still an ongoing problem. Fluid continues to collect in the lungs making it difficult to breathe and he is back on the Bone Marrow Floor. Soon we will be reaching Day 60+ in the hospital. The only daylight he has seen is through his hospital window and when they take him to the x-ray department. What a field trip!

I’m trying to stay calm. Do I have doubts? Yes! God, you are in control, aren’t you? You will make him comfortable, won’t you? He will have a nice birthday, right? I thought when he moved out of ICU, it was a signal that it wouldn’t be long to have him home. I shampooed my carpets today in anticipation. The house should be a dirt and germ free home while he is still immune compromised. I want him to come home.

I arrived today to share my ordeal shampooing carpets and find him moving to another floor and in respiratory distress. Every breath is an effort. My, how things can change in an instant, when you not looking! I feel helpless to see him suffering. I’m numb with confusion. All I can do is hold his hand and rub his head and let him feel my loving touch calming his pain and discomfort. Although, medication is the real relief, putting him into an amnesic stupor. Thank God for small blessings.

I try to remember the Serenity prayer….how does it go again? Stress must be setting in…..

The Thing about Setbacks is.......

2010-06-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

W's pneumonia was a setback that wasn’t expected. It was miraculous that in his immune-compromised state, he had not caught some infection until now. I am very gratified that he is in the perfect place to have it treated quickly. The doctors and staff of City of Hope do not wait for anything. They act quickly, for minutes of delay could cost a patient’s life.

As I followed W down to ICU, and after he was settled, I could see that he was discouraged and feeling bad. I shared with him something a co-worker told me about an email he received. It helped me feel hope, even with this set back. I want to share it with you to store away when you have set-backs.

The Little Things

- By Author Unknown

As you might know, the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the telephone .

One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone ... all the little things that annoy me. I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment..

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.

Today Walter had a bronchoscopy (putting a tube with a camera in his lung). This revealed evidence of a fungal infection. As I write now, he is being treated and feeling better every hour, and miracle of miracles his white blood cells are increasing. Awesome! Praise the Lord!

Keep praying. Yesterday W's white blood count passed the magic number of 1000. God is working miracles.

A Turning Point

2010-06-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

This last week, we reached a turning point. After 30 something days, W’s doctor decided to a bone marrow biopsy to see if engraphment had taken place. The results were positive. Those little donor cells have been sleeping soundly slowly making blood cells. It is well known that cord blood cells take longer to engraph than regular bone marrow cells. This news was a great relief to me, and shortly thereafter, we have seen W’s blood count start to elevate. Although there is still some fluctuation, there is definite increases going on.

Just when I was ready to celebrate and get ready for possible homecoming in the near future, suddenly, there is a set back…….Fever, infection! W is now in ICU. Although things are uncertain right now, I have confidence that the City of Hope will do everything they can to abate and treat this infection. Everything is happening so fast. In the blink of an eye and within 10 minutes, he was moved with all his belongings to an ICU bed.

I should feel quite blessed and fortunate that W was infection free for the 40+ days he’s been in the hospital. This is a true testament of the good care he is receiving. I am also gratified that this infection happened when his cell counts were improving and not when his immune system was weaker.

Lately, I have been loosing my knitting mojo over the past few weeks. All I have been able to think about is getting the house ready for W. I cannot think about any projects that take too much of my concentration. Time and preservation of my energy has been precious to me. I’ve got to keep healthy and yet, get the house cleaned to reduce the chance of added infection when W does come home. Much is to be done….Drapes & blinds cleaned, a good scubbing of the kitchen and bathroom, carpets shampooed, bedrooms dusted & vacuumed.

I’ve been trying to keep some of my knitting mojo by small projects such as knit hats. I made an owls hat that came out nice. I sewed some buttons for eyes to make it really look like owls. I’m now working on a basketweave hat. These mindless projects will likely be donated to Hats for the Homeless.

Plumb flabbergasted.....!

2010-06-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

Until now, I have felt I was handling everything fairly well. All the daily things are being done, bills paid, house in some order, work is plugging away, car taken for servicing, W is being cared for at he hospital. No worries…..so I thought. Then my peace was shattered…..

The other day, I sprug a leak in my refrigerator hose for the ice maker. Coming home to a counter filled with water was not great. Yet, no damage seemed to be evident. Also I noticed a lot of water around my lawn sprinklers that should not be there when sprinklers are off. So now I have two plumbing leaks to worry about. Plumbing was W’s job. I had no clue how to start to fix it. So I talked to W about it. He quickly tells me how to do it, but I try turning one of the valves and water shut-offs and it doesn’t budge. I ask one of my son’s to help me and he looks at me blankly. I realize my husband never taught the boys to fix plumbing problems. What do I do now without calling out an expensive plumber to fix a few minor looking leaks?

I pray…Lord, help me figure out how to fix this!. I get a “Plumbing” how to book. I get some tubing that I think might fix the refrigerator leak and I get the water shut off on my Kitchen cold water to keep the spray from ruining anything else. I am stressed and fretful. I cancel a dinner date with my brother’s family, who was going to take me out for my birthday, so I can work on this while I still have weekend left.

Lo and behold, God answers my prayers. Instead of showing me how to fix it, he sends two people to fix it. My brother brought me my dinner from the restaurant, and also brought his tools to fix the refrigerator leak. While waiting for my brother to show, God sent over my gardener who said he would fix the sprinklers for a reasonable price. I thought how good God is!

I never appreciated enough all the things my husband did. He was Mr. Fix It. Now that he is not able to Fix It, it leaves a big hole in our ability to keep the house fixed. Thank goodness, we have a God who can send us people to help us. He continues to provide for my needs. I am so grateful and very humbled by His provision.

Caregiving: When the going gets tough…..

2010-05-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

This has been a hard week. Stress at work, working 8-9 hr days, under a new leadership style, stress with the ups and downs of dealing with W's nausea, lack of appetite and low blood counts, the stress of not knowing when “engraphment” will take place, or if it will ever take place. And then, when you have time for yourself, you keep giving… trying to support other family members with their health needs, and trying to cope with the stress of handling the house alone. It takes its toll on a person.

This week has left me weak and exhausted. In attempts to gain some control of my life, I have decided to take life slower and say no to over ambitious plans to clean my house. I was reading a pamphlet I was sent called “Caregiver Guide for Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Transplant” by National Bone Marrow Transplant LINK. It says “Caregivers experience the same, if not more, distress than the survivors themselves and are usually less likely than survivors to get the help they need”. How true this is! I ask myself, “Who has the time?” It’s not like you can check out of everything.

Well,…maybe you can, but this is not an option for me. As one takes on all of this responsibility, including the superhuman emotional strength to try to keep W’s spirits up, no one realizes, including the caregiver, that this awful sick feeling deep inside making one weepy could be “depression”, which is difficult to control and climb out of. Any little thing can make the world so overwhelming to cope with. It’s like falling into a deep empty hole in the ground without a ladder. Perhaps it’s time to go back to the Prozac……..

Can it get any worse? Apparently, it can, but I’m not ready to share that yet. The worst of my nightmares is about to come true. It’s like an episode of the old TV series, West Wing, where President Bartlett, makes up a terrorist scenario to scare his daughter into taking her Secret Service protection seriously and it actually comes true a season later. I predicted a scenario for one of my sons, and I fear if things don’t change drastically, it is likely to come true. The results of making wrong choices. Is it dejavu or premonition?

So I reach into my coping bag, full of “detachment”, “denial”, “anger”, “hysterics”, “lethargy”, “heart-sickness”, “meet a friend”, “going to a movie”, “buy something”, “binge eating”, “prayer”, “isolation”, “courage”, “crying”, “helplessness”, “sleep”, “mutism”, “suffering in silence”, and what do I pull out…….?

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Owl Sweater Progress

2010-05-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm on the home stretch for finishing the sweater.

First owl pattern is done. I've decided to make a second row before I end the neck.

I want to sew some pearls or beads for eyes. Which one look good to you?

Old Beady Eyes!

Day 16 Post Transplant: Waiting for “Engraph”….

2010-05-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

After all this waiting, one might ask what are you waiting for? We are all waiting for “Engraphment”. This is when the donor stem cells migrate to the bone marrow and start to produce red, white and platelet cells in the body. This happens around 2 to 4 weeks.

I was talking to W’s nurse and she shared that in most transplants this happens from the 25 to 40 days after transplant. There is a great website explaining this at http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/bone-marrow-transplant

Right now Ws blood and platelet cell count is very, very, low. This is the time where preventing infection is critical, since he has practically no immune system to combat it. He is given blood and platelet transfusion periodically. On the outward side he is doing well. He is still getting up to walk around his room and sitting up in a chair for several hours. His mind is sharp enough to joke around with the nurses and his family and doing Soduku puzzles. We have always called him Mr Pun Man. He is a master using word puns. The Recreation Therapist taught him a card game called Kings Corner. It’s a fun solitaire game with two people. He taught me today, and I got lucky winning both games we played. Tomorrow we are going to learn a game called Traps and Treasures.

The inside of W is another story. Lab results are starting to show some slight changes in his heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. Doctors are monitoring this very carefully, as getting them to work together, eliminating the fluid in his body, is becoming a challenge. The major culprit is his heart and history of heart failure (CHF). We knew, if anything, this might be the kink in the chain of risks coming into this process. We need to be praying for this right now. The heart needs to pump effectively to prevent the other vital organs from being affected.

The doctors are pleased at what they see on the outside, as they say, and if they can get the heart working well with medication, all should be OK. I have to say, it is a pleasure to discuss W.’s condition with the City of Hope doctors. They really listen to family members. They give a significant amount of time listening and answering questions. I have never seen such dedicated MDs and nurses in my experience. This is saying a lot as W has been hospitalized in several hospitals and I have worked in others, although be it many years ago.

Knitting: I am still plugging away on the Red Owl Sweater. The Owls are half done. I will be doing the second cable soon. This is an ingenious pattern. As the weather starts to get warmer, it may be too hot to knit wool, so I am trying my hardest to finish this sweater/cardigan.

We've had unusually mild Spring this year in Southern California. I cherish the mild sunny days in May. Flowers are still blooming and my front planter is looking marvelous, especially since I hired a gardener. It makes me wonder why I didn't do this sooner. For over a year I have valiantly tried to care the the yards myself, when W didn't have the strength or energy because of his cancer. The gardener is worth every penny. Seeing the flowers and lawns look so nice just lifts my spirits to no end and I thank God for such a gift of beauty.

Post Transplant- Day 13: Hair today….gone tomorrow.

2010-05-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

After coasting along without any serious side effects other than the usual fatigue, we have hit a more than minor snag. W has been experiencing fluctuation in his blood counts needing transfusions of blood and platelets. He is feeling more nauseated and believe it or not he is losing his hair. After several courses of chemo over the last year, he has never lost his hair until now. The nurse noticed it on his pillow. He would reach up to smooth his hair and end up with a handful. Fortunately, he doesn’t have much to lose. I keep telling him I will bring him one of my knit hats to keep warm, and that now he fits in with the rest of the patients on the ward, who already have shiny pates. We tease each other about this to keep his spirits up. The hardest thing is the nausea. This means he is not eating and it is possible the doctors will put him on IV nutrition to keep his blood sugar under control. He had been eating so well over the last 13 days that I thought he was looking rounder around the middle, perhaps even gaining weight. We are told that it takes longer for a cord blood transplant to start working well. Does this mean that W. will be in the hospital longer? Time will tell.

I’ve been working full-time days lately. After work I go see W. and then come home to catch up on some chores and emails. I think all this is taking its toll on my energy level. The stress at work right now is not helping. This week is Staff Appreciation week, but I can hardly enjoy it.

One thing I will have to share from work is what happened yesterday. One of my coworkers found out that yesterday was our new boss’s birthday, so we planned a surprise potluck. Everyone was to bring something. There were no plans for a gift so I decided to buy some flowers for her from the entire staff. Before she arrived I put them in her office. Unknowing to me, there were four other staff members who did the same after my contribution. Someone came to me and said, “Have you seen the boss’s office? It looks like a garden!”. Apparently 5 other coworkers had brought flowers too. She was definitely surprised!

Status on the Knit Red Owl Sweater….I’ve joined the sleeves and body. Had a little difficulty getting the amount of stitches correct for the Owl pattern, but now have started in on the Owl pattern for the yoke. There going to be a lot of owls. I hope it will look right with the decreases.

Day 4 After Transplant---Coasting along….

2010-05-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

Everything seems to be going very well. Day 1 was very uneventful. There was no unusual reactions, except for the normal fatigue. The nurses were declaring his response as “exceptional”. Compared to other patients going through the same procedure, most had been put on TPN, which is IV nutrition, by the second day.

Day 2 and Day 3, W started to feel a little queasy and had less appetite. He had to make a conscious effort to drink some soup and applesauce (one of his favorites). His white cell blood count continued to decrease. This means that the chemo and radiation was doing what it was intended to do and that was to kill the cancerous lymphocytes (white blood cells) and that his blood cell count was decreasing, as expected. However, this low count lowers his immune ability to fight any germ that takes hold. Therefore, he is confined to his room.

He has a very nice private room. It is about 15 x 15 room. It has a beautiful view of the valley and nearby freeway from the 6th floor. He has all the amenities of a hotel: TV, VCR and DVD, a private bathroom with shower and daily maid/PCA service. His nurses are very attentive. One night while using the bathroom he bumped his hand and scraped it on something, making it bleed, while trying to navigate the IV pole around. He wasn’t sure what to do for his bleeding hand so he pulled the emergency cord and all the nurses on the ward came running to help. Sheepishly he told them what he had done, but they were quick to call the doctor to get an antibiotic to prevent infection, knowing how a little infection could be deadly. I have a very high regard for the caring and diligence these nurses demonstrate in everything they do. I believe there is one nurse assigned to two patients.

To pass the time W has his laptop and I pod. He likes to watch movies on Netflix and listen to audiobooks and read the Entertainment and Popular Science magazines I bring him. I come to see him everyday and he appreciates the visits from his family. When he gets “ansy”, he likes to pace around the round and do his physical therapy exercises. He remembers all too vividly his last hospitalization and the debilitated condition he was in from being in ICU for two weeks. He is determined to prevent this from happening again if he can help it. I am so proud of how he is taking an active role in his care and recovery. It would have been easy to let others do it for him, but he has learned this will not get him home any sooner. When his blood count gets to a certain limit, he will be allowed to venture out of his room with the protective equipment on that all his visitors and staff have to wear in his room: gown, gloves and mask.

Another result of the chemo is a lowered red blood count. When the red blood cells, which carry oxygen, get too low, a blood transfusion is needed. W has needed blood transfusions on Day 2 and Day 3. On the second transfusion, I noticed a tag on the bag that said “designated donor”. This means that W is getting the blood from the generous friends and family who agreed to donate. Thank you so much for your love and gift.

It is with utmost certainty that W’s condition is a result of all of people praying for him. God has answered in a very clear and positive way. He is listening to all the prayers you have sent up for W. We both appreciate them so much.

Knitting things that comfort and calm me while W recovers:

1) Brown variegated pair of socks on dpns.

2) Red Owl Cardigan on circular needles

3) Pink lace scarf on circs.

Happy Transplant Birthday!

2010-05-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

“Today is the 1st day of the rest of your life!” Today is like a rebirthing day for W as he had his Stem Cell Transplant today. There were four units of cord blood from two donors infused quickly into W. Nurses and doctors were watching vigilantly for any adverse reactions while this all happened. I sat nearby watching and praying that all would go well. It all took about an hour. At 2:55 pm W got a second chance of a quality of life.

God is very good. There was no reactions, but W. is still groggy from the pre-medication he was given. He just wants to have a good nap. Over the next few weeks, there is likely to be some side effects but these Nurses are amazing. They are so knowledgeable and do everything right down to the letter. A lot of checking and rechecking goes on for every medication, treatment, order, etc. Everyone entering the room wears protective clothing, mask and gloves to protect the patient. There are no shortcuts taken. Being a nurse myself, I am familiar with what should happen and I must say this hospital and staff is #1 in my book.

Today is also National Nurse’s Day. I was surprised that I had to remind W’s nurse of the day. These City of Hope nurses and staff have my thanks and appreciation for their careful care of W. They deserve to celebrate Nurse’s day everyday! It’s no surprise why they are so successful with these transplants. They have the best staff who really know their stuff and care about their patients.

T minus 1 day before transplant

2010-05-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

W. has been passing the days quite happily watching videos, listening to audiobooks, eating what he wants. These are all his favorite things to do. For him this is a little bit of heaven. Yesterday was the first day, since starting his daily conditioning chemo that he has felt any different. He is getting more fatigued and feeling like he is dragging his body around. Yet, he is still able to converse and joke around, albeit between very long napping. Today is the Total Body Radiation day, where he gets a relatively lower dose of radiation to kill the cancer cells, ready for the infusion of stem cells tomorrow.

This is considered Day 0 of the Stem Cell Transplant. Every day after is like a new life, a birthday! The nurses tell us that the doctors start counting these days to track how likely the transplant will be a success. The magic number is 100. If the patient reaches this without any complications, it is more likely to continue a success. So this is the time to pray, pray, pray.

I have been trying to put in some time at work, while W. is in the hospital. This fills my day as I haven’t had a lot of time to think about what’s next. Our sons have been visiting and keep in touch with whats going on. I am surrounded by caring people who ask how things are going. I am very blessed. I know it is God who is arranging for these people to pop in to give me encouragement. I seem to be running into old friends in the grocery store who I haven’t seen in awhile, as well. Perhaps God felt I needed some uplifting. He was right and I enjoyed the encounters greatly.

City of Hope 34th Bone Marrow Reunion

2010-05-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

Day T minus 6 to transplant – City of Hope 34th Bone Marrow Reunion Day

Today W received his first chemo treatment to condition his body for transplant. This was to be the strong “stuff” that would likely cause some uncomfortable side effects. In the past, W. has been very fortunate in the variety of chemotherapies he has encountered, he had very little, if any, side effects from it. This time, seems to be the same. Thank you Lord. His appetite is good. In fact, he has been given the directive from the dietician to eat anything he wants. How could life be any better? W is on a low bacteria diet, but other than the foods designated restricted, like salads and fresh fruit, he can order anything. He must be in heaven.

I had an invitation from W’s doctor to attend their Bone Marrow Transplant Reunion today! The City of Hope sure knows how to throw a party and celebrate. They had a barbeque for hundreds, perhaps thousand people. There was food non-stop for 6 hrs. For the kids they had bouncers and carnival games. There was a special atmosphere all around of happy friendliness and celebration. Bone or stem cell recipients wore large round buttons and T-shirts indicating how many years they had their transplant. There were many reunions between donor and recipient. Seeing those 10 year plus badges was very encouraging to me. There were a lot of them. I struck up a conversation with a young mother who had her transplant 7 years ago, diagnosed with Leukemia 1 month after having her 4th child. She gave me some very good advice on how to keep up my husband’s spirits up during this transplant time. Her experience was very valuable to hear about. There were also some speakers and a comedian who did a monologue of his experience as a bone marrow recipient. He was very funny.

Earlier in the day, a blood mobile was set up, but I missed it. I am saving my blood for the Hospital to call me to donate for W. anyway. I did, however, sign up for the World Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Registry, which only took a swab of the inside of my cheek to do. Perhaps I can save someone elses life with my stem cells, like W is having his life saved. Nowadays, collecting stem cells is like giving blood. Can you imagine how many lives can be saved if everyone was on the registry?

T minus 5 days to transplant

W spent the day with his laptop watching episodes of Dr. Who on Netflix. The hospital has a DSL line for its patients to use. This has kept him very entertained. He does feel fatigue, as usual, and takes naps several times a day. Today, I was helping our eldest son pack up and move to a new apartment. Talk about stress. Hopefully, the worst of it is over.

The other day we received an email from a friend. “W, when this is all done, will you let us know if you have any new super powers? We can keep your secret identity secret.” This gave us a chuckle. We will have to keep watching closely for those “super powers”. Perhaps, he will be the next Iron Man or Chemo Man.

The Calm before the Storm

2010-04-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Although I have very little real experience in being in a tornado, I recall seeing the movie “Twister”, a movie about chasing tornados. Between tornados there is always this eery calm before the next twister. I feel as if we have been going through this calm.

Admission to the hospital has been delayed. One of the cord blood transplants is coming from Europe and flights have shut down because of the volcanic ash spreading over Europe from Iceland. So everything has been moved back a week and we’ll know today if W. will be admitted to the City of Hope to start the process of receiving the transplant.

So as we wait, we have been accomplishing a few things. We now have a new garage and front door and they look beautiful. The contractors, Triangle Construction, were wonderful and I highly recommend them. Walter rounded up enough energy to patch a rather large hole in one of our walls. And I have started my Spring Cleaning, focusing on sorting my stash of fiber, yarns and projects.

I was shocked to learn that I have over 50 lbs of fiber and roving to spin up. This should get me through a lot of cold winters, and then some. Last night I counted all my UFOs (unfinished objects), which amounted to 40 projects. I decided to frog (unravel or “rip-it”) 15 of them. Eleven of them are finished except for sewing up or adding some buttons. That left about 14 active projects to work on. I must have some kind of OCD as I am fighting the urge to start something new.

My next step is to count and sort my yarn---O my! Any guesses as to how much of that I have? I think the local woman’s charity is going to be very happy with my donation of yarn this year, if I can bear to part with it.

W.and I have tried to do as much as possible to celebrate his freedom before he goes into the hospital for a month or more. Fatigue prevents him from doing a lot along this line, but he does like to eat. His big thing was searching for the best Banana Split in the area. I think he has decided that Millie’s Restaurant has everyone beat. He has been stocking up on audiobooks to pass the time in the hospital. We are awaiting to see if he can take his laptop so he can have other means of entertaining himself in isolation. The only thing that we were unable to do is see the upcoming movies that W. wants to see, i.e. Iron Man 2. He will, however, have access to some movies, in the hospital cable TV.

W and I have had some time to talk about worst case scenarios. We are in agreement with decisions that should be made if things should worsen. I think we have a peace about that. However, I cannot escape some little trepidation and fear when reality hits. Nevertheless, I am the sort of person that has not panicked in crisis and God will help me through any event. I have total confidence in this and I trust HIM. In my personal bible study, I was asked to write a psalm. Here it is……

Diana’s Psalm

Praise the Lord for he is good,

His love and mercy endures forever.

He provides courage for the sick and troubled.

He walks besides us leading the way.

He dries our tears and comforts our fears

And folds his loving arms around us.

Praise the Lord for he is good

He provides for all our needs when we trust him

Overwhelming worries become like dust

When we turn it all over to him

Like the sparrows of the earth who are tenderly cared for

He tenderly cares for us to provide everything we need.

Praise the Lord for he is good

He brings people to comfort and encourage us

He lifts us up like leaves on a big tree.

To see the love and support around us on sturdy branches.

Praise the Lord for giving us peace

He gives us hope for a better future

He promises us a home with him eternally.

The troubles of the world disappear.

Praise the Lord for He is good

His love and mercies endure forever.

The Tornado of Life

2010-04-17T01:15:00.000-07:00

W. and I have been caught up in a whirlwind of activity these past few weeks. There has been the medical tests, pulmonary, heart, blood, bone marrow, multiple lab tests, to see if W.s body can handle this very intensive procedure and recovery after a stem cell transplant. There are multiple doctor consults, and education classes to attend. A lot of the time is spend in waiting rooms. I fear I have gained weight by just sitting too much. What a drag.

This procedure is very important. It is a BIG DEAL! This might be W’s only chance at a stem cell transplant and a longer life span. We are jumping through every hoop we can to make this happen.

There is also some sense of finality about this. Although the hope is there for a future, it has some big risks associated with it. The worst case scenario is that Walter will not come home. We have spoken about this possibility and I think we are both somewhat at peace with this and we are both in a mode of sharing every moment possible getting the house ready. For what I know not. We know God is in control and we trust him for whatever he wants for us. I think Walter is trying to squeeze every ounce of strength and energy out of his body and do something with it, knowing that he is likely going to have to rebuild his strength again from scratch after the transplant. I have finally allowed W. to drive again, regaining some sense of independence, he has craved since last January.

The other day, I shared with Walter that I did not have a desk or room for myself. My stuff, i.e fiber and yarn stuff, is spread throughout the house. Now, we have two extra rooms and so he decided we should each get one for our “stuff”. So we have been moving furniture and sorting through our collection of stuff, paring it down and organizing.

Since we were blessed with a tax refund this year, the first in many years, we decided to finally replace our garage and front doors. So in the one week we have left together before he enters the hospital for his transplant, we have been trying to get all this done.

Doing all of this is very therapeutic for our emotional health. It helps distract us from our hidden fears. It helps us be productive and prepare for the future whatever it might be. It gives us a sense of living life to the fullest, a sense of normality, when over the past year it has been anything but normal. God has been good to us. It almost feels like the week before our wedding. All the planning is done. You know your life is about to change dramatically, and you are trying to stay in control of your emotions, your fears, your hopes and dreams for the future.

It's All about Heart!

2010-04-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you’ve been wondering what has happened to my knitting in the midst of all this. It may sound that my husband’s health has taken over my life, and to be truthful, it has. However, what keeps me calm is my knitting. I cannot imagine going anywhere without it. It has become my 3rd arm.

With the exciting, yet fearful news that W. will be undergoing a stem cell transplant, we have been swept up in a whirlwind of appointments: lab tests, x-rays and scans, nutrition classes to learn how to prevent food borne infections, biopsies, blood evaluations for every virus known to man. I’m not kidding when I tell you since last Wed to next week, we have over 20 medical appointments! With this always comes the “Sit and wait” time and I try to relax to knit a portable project and this time it is Vanilla Socks. Vanilla socks, in knitting lingo usually means knitting a basic sock pattern, however, this time I really am knitting some Vanilla socks, an off-white elastic cotton I found in my stash that I needed to do something with.

I was browsing through Michaels Crafts, my favorite store, and came across a book called Socks from the Toe Up, by Wendy Johnson. She is a well-known, at least to the knitting and sock making world, who first developed this technique of making socks. The book had a variety of patterns from plain socks, using different cast-ons, different heel techniques and bind-offs, to beautiful lace and textured patterns.

I had never tried a textured pattern before and found one I thought simple enough to do without too much concentration…..a heart pattern.

The yarn is a cotton yarn, spun in boucle fashion with a strand of lycra, that makes it stretch. With summer coming, cotton is breathable and I wanted to try to knit a well-fitting sock that would hug my foot without being too tight. This is my experiment and it is going well so far.

It certainly has sparked the interest of many fellow “waiters” at City of Hope. It’s amazing how easy it is to start a conversation with strangers there. The fact that we are all going through some kind of cancer or health situation binds us all together in many ways. Anywhere we go there in the City of Hope, there is tremendous compassion and support, among the staff and fellow patients and caregivers. All hospitals should be this way.

Who Knew?

2010-03-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Who knew the reason why after almost dying from heart arrythmias, drug interactions and miscommunication among doctors, W would live to see another few months painfree, regaining weight and having the best health in months?

Who knew that all our financial obligations and health care costs would be taken care of so easily without much stress or trouble when W. was diagnosed with cancer?

Who knew that we would be blessed with supportive friends and family who would continue to give us the courage to hang in there, with their love surrounding us?

Who knew that W.’s health would improve so dramatically as to make him a good candidate for a stem cell transplant in four weeks?

God knew!!

God knew that when his attending cardiologist had given up on him, and asked if we considered hospice for his cancer, that W. would live to prove his assumptions wrong. God was not finished with him yet.

God knew that when I was called to the hospital at 3am because W. had been having seizures for over an hour that I would again see him alive and breathing.

God knew that when W. took so long to wake up from his sedation, hearing my prayers to be able to speak with him again, I would be able to carry a conversation with him without any loss of cognition or his wonderful sense of humor.

God knew when I needed to be home with him, driving him to doctor appointments, handling the little ups and downs of his blood levels, his heart issues and very complicated medication needs, my work would generously allow me a family leave to help him recover.

God knew when I asked and trusted him to provide for all our bills, he knew our insurance would be there for us and that there would be few problems among the complicated maze of co-payments and provider reimbursements. God knew that the expensive chemotherapies would be covered. God knew that our application for disability would be accepted with lightening speed allowing up to keep up with health insurance and car payments without my income to help.

God knew that our family and friends would care and be there for us when we needed emotional support. God knew he would give me an extra measure of calmness of spirit and courage to do what needed to be done.

God knew that when we were disappointed that his living siblings were not good matches to donate some bone marrow stem cells to give him the best chance of long remission, two cord blood donors would be found in the world to give him that chance.

God knew that while we had no idea of when a stem cell transplant would be scheduled, we would be notified that he would have one in FOUR WEEKS.

God knows how we love him for loving us, and that no matter what happens, life or death, he has our humble gratitude and adoration for being so good to us and giving us a future.

Are we there yet? …….No!

2010-03-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am feeling quite blessed that W. is doing so well. His flaky skin has cleared. It looks soft and smooth as a baby’s skin. A sure fire confirmation that something is going well is that he is growing hair on his body again. W. is looking very human again.

He is getting stronger and able to do more activity, but must still watch himself. He wants so much to resume all of his pre-cancer activities, he forgets that he is not completely whole, yet. His independence has allowed me to go to work for a few hours, however, I have a new worry to think about, W’s stubborness. The other day, we talked about putting together a corner desk our son has abandoned in the garage in pieces, as he moved to his new home. This would make an excellent workspace for W. to start to do things he used to enjoy like model building. He purchased a Skill level 2 model of a Clipper Ship that he spied at a hobby shop. He was anxious to get started. He is moving around better but his strength and stability are not 100%. I cautioned him not to move the heavy desktop part without help. It had taken the two of us, my son and I, to move it to the garage and weighed at least 40+ lbs.

One day, as I left him to attend a work meeting for a few hours, he decided he couldn’t wait any longer. He moved the small pieces of the desk into the house. Mr. Genius thought if he could put the heavy desk top on a rolling dolly, he could roll it into the house. Well, he thought wrong and has lived to regret it. The desk top slipped, sliding down his shins and scrapped them up. By the time I drove up, saw the dolly and the desktop moved from its place, I was horrified to think what had happened. As a rushed in, he was calmly sitting on the recliner with his legs up, looking as calm as could be. He was sitting as proud as a peacock of taking care of his leg wounds all by himself, which extended on both legs from his knees to his ankles. I wanted to wring his neck! I couldn’t help but smile at his resourcefulness, but also was disappointed to have a long ordeal of healing his open wounds without getting an infection, which could be potentially devastating.

It didn’t stop there. He wants to drive again. He wants his independence back. I guess I should be grateful he is wanting to be more independent, but this can be dangerous. The other day, I was baking cookies for a Dr. Seuss event at my preschool. The oven was on, cookies were baking, my arms up to my elbows were covered in flour and sugar sprinkles. Suddenly, W. announced that he wanted to drive to Home Depot to get some screws for his desk. Over the past few weeks, he has started carrying his car keys in his pocket. The light in my head started to go on. I am realizing that the desktop fell on the wrong part of him. If it had dropped on his head, perhaps it would have knocked some sense in him.

I asked if he could wait until I finished my cookies baking. He could not. My whole being was panicked. We were unsure W’s legs were strong enough to brake. He had been exercising his legs and they were stronger but I wanted to make sure I was with him if his strength suddenly failed, at least on the first time. Well, as I was trying to convince him to wait, lo and behold, his guardian angel brought our son walking through the door just then, and I asked him to go with him just in case he needed rescuing. As W. got into the driver’s seat, God made it clear to him he was not ready as he tried to step on the brake pedal to start the Prius. He couldn’t lift his leg high enough to do this simple move. Thank God for small interventions. Lord, help me to prevent him from killing himself……or I may kill him first! ;)

Ravelympics/Olympics Come to an End

2010-03-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

The Olympic torch has gone out. The Olympics have ended. Let us shed a tear of sadness as it disappears into the sunset.

I enjoyed watching the Olympics this year. My favorites were everyone else’s favorites…the Snowboarding, the figure skating, the skiing, and the short track events. Every American seemed to behave with respect and decorum, even when they were disappointed not to get the Gold or be disqualified. Our athletes behaved very well and I hope gave the world a demonstration of the goodness Americans are all about. I am very proud to be an American.

I participated in my own Ravelympics and won a Ravelympic medal for finishing my Red Splendid Shawl. It came out beautifully. I finished one day before the closing ceremonies.

I’ve been itching to start the Waves of Leaves shawl with my newly redyed wool yarn. This is going to be a challenge for me as lace knitting takes so much concentration. I have already ripped out rows about 5 times to figure out and correct a mistake. Yet, I am determined not to give up. Once the pattern is established, I will find my mistakes sooner and be able to correct them without too much trouble. Perhaps I should think about using “lifelines” on this one. I heard on a podcast about someone who used Knit picks needles to make a lace project. She threaded dental floss into the small holes of the Knit picks needles that were interchangable, knitting as she went and…..Voila! Instant lifeline! What a great idea. I will have to try it.

Hit between the Eyes

Just when things are looking great, there is always something that hits you between the eyes and upsets the delicate balance of life.

My husband was making wonderful progress since coming home from a month long hospital stay in January to address some heart problems. Every day he seemed to be making progress. He was eating well, his diabetes practically disappeared, not needing any medication for it. His heart had been doing well with perfect blood pressure and good rhythm. He was gaining some weight back and his atrophied muscles were getting stronger, allowing him to graduate from a walker to a cane to aid him in his balance. Even his skin was looking wonderful, in response to a new chemotherapy treatment he had been receiving. We were talking about my returning to work part-time and perhaps venturing out to take some day trips around Southern California, which is now so green and beautiful, in response to the recent rains.

Then all of a sudden he woke up with a fast irregular heart beat called Atrial Fibrillation, which seemed to upset everything. Over the weekend the doctors and I attempted to adjust his medications to get everything back in balance. After a very long weekend and a big sigh of relief, I think we did it! However, it reminded me what a very fragile condition W. is in and how I should not take anything for granted.

You may have heard of the term “fragile diabetic”, which is a person with newly diagnosed diabetes, whose blood glucose goes up and down needing constant adjustment in medication. Our visiting nurse called W. a “fragile patient”, meaning that with so many conditions that needs to be monitored, any one of them can throw his body out of balance. I am thinking that God made me a nurse for this purpose, for it would be difficult for the average lay person to manage all of this without some medical knowledge.

Life is full of challenges, isn’t it? I try not to see challenges as God’s punishment for something done wrong, but challenges for what God wants me to learn. He always seems to be preparing me for something…..an encounter with someone who might benefit from the knowledge and experience his puts in my path.

The Seeds of Inspiration

2010-02-21T07:17:00.000-08:00

It is a mystery how inspiration can start from the smallest of things and bloom into something that promises to be wonderful. I was knitting my Ravelymics shawl which is very simple and easy to knit. On bulky yarn, it is likely that it will go quick. Actually, in the interest of preventing my hands and wrists from being strained I am taking my time and just coasting along.

As I knit, my mind wanders in some regret that the beautiful lace shawl I originally planned will be left unknit. I browse though the Ravelry shawl patterns and drool at the lovely shawls before me. And behold I spy a shawl so lovely made in variegated colors I can’t take my eyes off of it. I put it in my Ravelry queue, a knit waiting list of projects to be made someday. As the days go by, my thoughts return to the lovely shawl named Waves of Leaves Shawl by Malcolm and Marcus Design. I start thinking, “ Do I have anything in my stash that could make it. No?” Then I looked hard at the Sesame colored yarn I was going to make the first shawl out of. I learned that knitting a big project in this beige color can be boring very quickly. Then a light of genius strikes me…..what about over dyeing it. What is overdyeing, you ask? It is taking a colored yarn and redyeing it to get a completely different yarn. I have the yarn-I have the dye colors-Do I have the knowledge? Well,…..maybe.

I am needing to do this with repeated results for several skeins? It’s going to take some research, mathematical calculations and measuring, and a little bit of chemistry. This is going to be an experiment. What have I got to lose? Nothing but a few skeins of wool purchased on sale.

Testing for dye color

Dyeing small skeins

Dyeing the Big Skein in Red, Violet and Green

My first skein was a learning opportunity. The results were not too shabby. It gave me a great appreciation for the master yarn dyers who make hundreds of beautiful skeins of color. It is understandable why they elevate the cost of a skein of yarn. Their efforts are worth the cost. Nevertheless, as long as God gave me a brain, a love of colored yarn and a desire to figure out how to make it, I will forge on. I love making and learning things.

Good Strong Color

The Repeatable Results

Does it look like changing leaves?

In skeins

A False Start

2010-02-14T21:31:00.000-08:00

As I’ve been watching the REAL Olympics, I see that there have been a lot of false starts in the Short Track Skating Events. The Event I am competing in the Ravelympics is called Short Track Shawls. I knit over 12 rows which amounts to about 5500 sts, when I realized that the gauge on my shawl was smaller than I thought it would be.

I misunderstood the construction of the Faroese shawl, which is two triangles connected by a center panel. You start by making the bottom wings of the shawl and work up decreasing. I was thinking I was making the top edge, working down. This is why I thought my gauge was too big and changed my needles to two sizes smaller than what was called for. There was just no way I could salvage what I knitted. If I had plugged on, after knitting 30,000 sts, I didn’t want to discover the shawl was too small. So I decided to scrap it. A lesson was learned.

So why didn’t I just restart it? I could feel my wrist straining to make the 1700 sts goal and I happened to reinjure my right hand again, twisting a jar open. Will I ever learn? My tendons and ligaments in my right hand were severely stretched again and I just didn’t think I could make my goal. I hate getting older.

What was I to do? As long as I could hold my knitting needles, I felt I should make something, but perhaps take my time and not push it. I was doing a “Lindsey Vonn”, the skier who injured her shins and is determined to try for her medals anyways. After two days of knitting, I started thinking how I could pick another project that would be less stress on my wrist. What would help me fall in love with it? This is what I was thinking as I raced to Michaels to pick out some bulky yarn for the new easier shawl I had selected called the Splendid Triangle Shawl by Lion Brand.

What would make me fall in love with it? Answer: COLOR! Since tomorrow is Valentines Day, I thought of shades of Red. With 10 minutes left till closing I spied a bulky yarn, County Loom, in shades of red and blue called Caravan.

So as the starting gun goes off again in the Olympics, my Ravelympics starting gun has gone off and I am skating/knitting my way to the finishline. So far, I am loving it. I am feeling like the speed skater, Apollo Ohno, feeling fairly confident this project will go quickly.

Training and “On Your Mark, Set, Go…!

2010-02-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

I spent the days prior to the start of Olympics practicing my chosen Project, the Faroese Shawl. Unfortunately, I made a mistake and realized I am not ready for this particular lace project. So I was back to the drawing board and trying to pick out a much simpler project.

I chose the Stora Dimun Shawl from the “Folk Shawls” book by Cheryl Oberle. It seemed much easier. However, it is also a garter stitch shawl which may drive me nuts and give me carpel tunnel. I am thinking about revising it somewhat by inserting some stockinette pattern in the middle to make it more interesting. I learned from the previous attempted shawl that may need to reduce my needle size so the shawl does not become too humongous and heavy with the light worsted weight yarn I will be using.

I love the Olympics! I love the Opening Ceremonies, the competition and the rooting for the home team!. Since I am fortunate to be spending more time at home taking care of my husband, I will be able to catch some of the coverage. On the times I am away from home, which are usually long waiting in doctor or chemo visits, I have a chance to sit more and knit. The shawl looks to be knitting that doesn’t need too much concentration, especially since most of it will be likely a lot of garter stitching with long periods of knit stitching.

So as the Opening Ceremonies have begun, I am off and knitting like a mad woman. I have figured that my project has a total of approximately 30,000 stitches and I have to knit about 1800 stitches a day to finish it by the closing ceremonies.

Ravelympics 2010

2010-02-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

Woohooo! Four more days to the start of the Winter Olympics. That means Ravelympics Time!!!!
What is Ravelympics, you ask? It a knitting, spinning, dyeing Olympics for the crazy people who love to knit, crochet, and spin, etc. It is a challenge to make a project within the 17 days of the Olympics. Thousands of us knitters participate and sign up on a Community Internet Site called "Ravelry", thus the "Ravelympics". We cheer each other on by joining teams and enter in events according to our project.

Since I am spending alot of time waiting in doctor's offices while my husband receives treatment for his lymphoma, I have picked a project. I hope its not too tough. I am going to make a Faroese Shawl from the book A Gathering of Lace. I have figured that if I do 2700 stiches a day or more, I will make it by the end of the Olympics. I chose a beige Wool I found on Clearance.

As we cross the finish line, or rather finish the project, we are acknowledged with a cheer and medal from Bobicus Maximus, the Ravelry Mascot Dog.

My needles are ready, my fingers are itching to start. I have been training hard. Let the games begin........

Thankfulness and Compassion

2010-01-19T02:29:00.000-08:00

I need to breathe a sign of relief and have a humble appreciation for all the prayer warriors that have prayed for my husband and I. The prayers were answered. W. is recovering from the worst health crisis he has had yet in this struggle to battle lymphoma. These two weeks have reminded me that God is very gracious to heal my husband’s heart and give me more time with him. We hope that he will be home this week.

As I come up for air, my heart breaks for the people of Haiti and the desperate need for survival that they are experiencing. Stephanie Pearl McPhee, AKA The Yarn Harlot, has put out a call to Knitters to help by donating to Doctors without Borders. In answering this call, I can’t help but feel this is such a small gift for a very great need. Yet, we knitters are many and mighty. Together, we can make a difference.

This event makes us realize how fortunate we are to have so many resources. Haiti, the poorest nation in this hemisphere, has very little. It is a wonder to see the capacity for compassion that many have, that would sacrifice their money, time and even their own comforts to help humanity in need. This is what God calls us to in any way we can.

My favorite verse:

Matthew 25:40 Jesus said “ I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

A Hard Week and A New Purpose for the New Year.

2010-01-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

I finally received my computer repaired. The keys now work just fine. Lately, I haven’t had much time for anything and this has been the worst week of my life. My husband fainted in my arms as I helped him to the bathroom on New Year’s night and was gravely ill with heart failure and the severe complications that can result from this. He’s been in ICU since and as of today I can say his condition is upgraded to guarded. I’m just living day to day trusting God to keep me and my husband going. I’ve been sitting by his side daily, trying to help the nurses and communicating with the doctors as they treat him.

Taken on Christmas Day 2009

Yesterday was a deep sigh of relief as he seems to be awakening and able to answer questions by nodding in his weakened state, despite the tube in his mouth helping him breathe. I thank God for granting this to me. However, he is still not out of the woods yet.

All of this happened at the same time as my two sons bought a home and moved. It will not be easy for me adjusting to the change, but I know God will help me through it. He has always given me a purpose. Perhaps, this purpose is now to take care of my husband full time.

This has been the most challenging time of my life, and I thought raising 3 sons was the challenge. It’s like I’ve stepped into a new purpose. As my last son launches himself on a life of independence, I was beginning to question what next? I’m proud of all my sons and the good independent lives they are leading. I do not worry too much about them. I feel my husband and I have done well in raising them.

I’ve been thinking about how I can knit down my stash of the Acrylic yarn. I love listening to CogKnitive podcast. They are starting a Knit Along for the Mother Bear Project that knits bears for South African children who have HIV. There is a myth that adults with HIV can be cured by having sex with virgins. Many children have contracted HIV in this way, along with the emotional devastation that comes from being raped and loosing ones parents to AIDS. A teddy bear becomes a small comfort for these traumatized children. This would be a great project to start. I’ve made one bear but still have to embroider the face features. My next bear will be a ballerina bear.

So…as I sit by my husband’s side in ICU, I knit not only for my own comfort and peace, but with the hope that as I sit attending my husband, a child somewhere in the world can also be comforted with the bear I make for them.

Computer Disaster!

2009-12-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

I used to pride myself of having taken very good care of my laptop computer. It has lasted about 6 years, which for a laptop is quite long, given the potential for abuse that can happen to a portable computer. My fortune came to an end on Christmas eve, when I was suddening interrupted while working on my laptop, to put it down on the floor, and attend to my ill husband who was nearby in the recliner. While giving him his medication I attempted to set down a bottle of water, which slipped from my hand and water spilled across a tray table onto the floor. Unfortunately my laptop keyboard was in the path of the dripping water. I quickly tried to rescue it by drying it with a blow dryer but realized my luck ran out when I started having trouble getting some keys to work, including the left click key.

So as I attempt to take the laptop to the Computer ER to see what can be done to fix it, entries will have to be made somewhat delayed by the fortune of borrowing other computers.

Christmas Anticipation

2009-12-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

As Christmas gets closer this person must reflect on the life situation and think that this Christmas is very different! Of course, there’s my husband’s weakened condition. He used to be able to put up our outside Christmas lights. Now, we have to figure it out ourselves. We’re still looking for the outlets to plug the manger display into. Only two more days to go……Perhaps the neighbors won’t notice the unlit lights and admire the manger scene during the day. The beautiful angel that hung above the manger last year with her trumpet will have to shine during the day hours.

Christmas shopping is not very fun or thoughtful this year. Gift cards seem to be the easy thing to do. Thank goodness for the variety of gift cards available at the one-stop grocery store. I cannot imagine having the time to go from place to place to get gift cards. My time has been spent shuffling my husband from Dr to Dr and treatment to treatment, caring for him at home, and working to make up some missed time off, etc. His energy level is non-existent and this is not a cheery time for him.

We decided it would be too difficult for him to travel to other people’s houses for Christmas, so this year we are having a small breakfast with just the single sons’ and sister-in-law, and a few family over for Christmas dinner. My sister-in-law and son’s have been helping me clean house and get ready.

As a double whammy, my two youngest single sons’ are starting to pack up their stuff to move into their own home. That is, once escrow closes. We are crossing our fingers for Dec. 24. I am starting to have that tug of heart as my youngest son leaves the nest. We will truly be “empty nesters” when that happens. I know it is an important right of passage that all parents raise their children to become…..independent, self-supporting, responsible human beings making a life for themselves. I feel somewhat mollified that I will be able to see my youngest son every day, as we work together.

As this grieving process is initiated, I find myself barely able to think about a whole spare bedroom to put my fiber/yarn collection into. Suddenly my house is become too big for us. I'm sure I am the envy of every fiberholic out there.

Nevertheless, God has been good. He has brought us through another year. I have a lot to be thankful for. I feel blessed each day. God gives me a ray of sunshine to reflect of the goodness he brings to me and my family. It is the little things that are the best…..my husband pain-free, my son’s wisdom at work, my grandchild’s smile, a kind word of encouragement from friends and family. I am blessed.

Shetland Spinning

2009-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

I have been making some big plans lately. I’ve decided that my house is too cluttered. In my attempt to simplify my house, I started going through my fiber stash. This year I committed to use a lot of my stash but I haven’t done much with the fiber I have collected over the years.

I discovered a pillowcase filled with a beautiful grey soft looking fiber. I was almost heartbroken that some of it appeared to be felted. This fiber had been in my stash washed over several years and I had not done much with it, except to toss it around from bin to bin as I sorted and resorted this fiber over the years. Yet, I could not give up on this fiber. I wanted to salvage this beautiful alpaca-looking fiber. I was picking through the fiber and trying to loosen the locks. I finally ended up using a Louet single row comb or hackle to untangle what I could. These midevil looking devices that look like torture tools, help to align the fiber, making it somewhat separated and able to be drum carded into batts which followed. From the batts I was able to start spinning. Its a lot of work for just a pound of fiber.

As I worked with this fiber, I realized this was not alpaca at all but possibly Shetland. How I knew this? It has a long staple with guard hairs. This is a double layer coat where the long tips are darker and courser than the downy undercoat, which is soft. I had heard that Shetland fiber makes nice gloves and socks, so I planned to spin it thin but had some trouble getting a consistent thread. I changed my mind and started over, spinning it to a slightly thicker using an easy forward draw technique. I changedthe ration to the lowest on my Ashford Joy which is a ratio of 6 spins/ per treddle. It seemed to make a better single this way. I experimented with several techniques….the long draw, the back draw. The only way I could get any control of the feeding of the thread was to feed 2 in at a time after 2 treddles. The yarns is coming out very soft.

Cancer coping

2009-12-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

This week has been a very hard week emotionally for my husband and I. The skin pain and itching from his cutaneous lymphoma seem to be increasing intensity. We have been trying to figure out what pain medication will give him the most relief without making him a zombie or worse than this, not able to get up at all. One medication will pretty much knock him out and results in uncomfortable side effects. Another seems to relieve the pain to a manageable level so he can still get around, but doesn’t last long enough and taking too much in one day can cause liver damage. Beyond all of this, it’s the itching that is the most unbearable. This has him so depressed and desperate, even scratching until his tender skin bleeds doesn’t give him relief. We saw a pain management doctor today. We are hopeful that she will be able to coordinate his pain and coping meds to give him some quality of life.

It is not easy to see the love of your life, strong and tall, reduced to a frightened, weepy, pain filled creature, depressed and withdrawn. I want to take away everything that is uncomfortable for him, but am helpless to do so. All I can do is be there and hold his hand or rub his back. I try to be strong and do the things that need to be done that he cannot do. I release my tears of grief and sorrow in quiet when I am alone. I guess I have always been the strong one of my family. My family counts on me to be there and functioning. Even I am realizing my limitations.

I have spoken with my boss to ask permission to reduce my hours to be at home more with W. I also need to conserve my mental and physical energy to work out all the disability paperwork, doctors appointments, medications and daily care for my husband. I am grateful my boss is graciously understanding in allowing me the flexibility to work as I can and take care of W. I didn’t think this talk would happen so soon. We were told, perhaps optimistically, that people with this kind of lymphoma could live a normal lifespan with treatment, but there is no cure. Perhaps it sounded to good to be true. No one said the quality of life would be so compromised. I should have taken the cue from the dermatologist, who first suspected the condition, that this lymphoma was not so pleasant. However, even with this realization, what is one to do to prepare for such a life ahead? No, perhaps it’s better to undergo some denial in the beginning and learn to cope gradually.

I am grateful and appreciate so much the little kindnesses people in our lives have done for us. Being a recipient of such kindness and compassion reminds me not to be so self-centered in my own problems. I count my blessings and know that there are others still worse off that us. God has truly answered my prayers and taken care of our financial needs to keep us going. It has allowed me to return some of his generosity to others as well. What is it called? Paying it forward? Thank you all for loving us.

That reminds me, I have to finish knitting Scott’s socks tonight!

Matthew 25:40 Jesus said “ I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

Big Socks

2009-12-01T00:10:00.000-08:00

I recently blogged about how I was following a blog, “A Couple of Sojourners” about a friend’s son and his wife, Scott and Ashlee Burt’s adventures as US Peace Corps Volunteers in Mongolia.

Lo and behold, and very surprisingly I received a comment on the blog from Scott himself. Now, I didn’t even know he knew about me or even knew that his parents and I were old friends that very seldom see each other. I had no idea how he would be lead to find my blog. Another miracle was that he actually read my blog and about my plans to send he and Ashlee some knit goods along with knitting needles and yarn to learn how to knit. He shared he was just talking to Ashlee about learning to knit. Is this a miracle or God working in mysterious ways? What a coincidence!

A few days ago Scott added to their Wish list for a pair of wool socks (the thickest you can find) for Size 13 feet. What an interesting challenge I thought! I imagined this to be a hard to find size in Mongolia. I don’t believe there are many 6 foot tall Mongolians around with big feet. With the –50 below weather they are enduring, this seemed like a priority.

This reminds me of a time in my younger days when W and I went backpacking with another couple over a Thanksgiving weekend on Mt San Gorgorneo in the San Bernardino Mountains in California. Little did we know it would start to snow. I remember trying to walk in 3 ft of fresh snow for 3 miles back to our car carrying 25- 30 lbs backpacks. It was a miracle we found and stayed on the trail as it was nothing but untrampled white snow. I remember the cold feet we experienced and it is a memory that is very clear today. I can certainly understand the need for thick wool boot socks. No one wants to chance frostbite and the pain it can cause as your feet thaw.

I looked through my stash and found 3 balls of bulky weight wool. This is very thick wool. As I knit them with Size 8 needles to make a dense fabric, I see they are going to be very thick. I just hope they can fit in his boots. If not, he can wear them as slippers in his house on cold winter nights. No chance will he get cold feet with these. The bulky weight yarn made the project go very fast and it looks like I will be finishing in just 2-3 days. The socks certainly are big, almost the size of Christmas Stockings. Well, there’s a back up plan for them if they don’t work well as socks for feet!. Just decorate them and hang them for Santa Claus to pack some goodies in them.

Thanks, Scott and Ashlee, for allowing me to be of some small service to you in Mongolia by knitting some socks. You inspire me with your courage and your adventures. It gives us hope that there are still young people willing to put themselves forward in uncomfortable circumstances and climates to serve and be beacons of light to the world.

Season Greetings! Time to Deck the Halls!!

Alpacafest, Thanksgiving and A Day with Grandaughter

2009-11-30T18:34:00.000-08:00

Alpacafest West

I had a chance to stop by Alpacafest West a few weeks ago. Over 100 beautiful alpacas were being shown. I could not resist taking a few pictures. There were a few more interesting vendors to visit this year. I bought 4 oz of chocolate colored alpaca fiber. At $4 an ounce, which I thought a little pricey, I had to get some to spin. I also could not resist 4 oz of handdyed bluefaed Leicester roving and skein of Bambino (supewash merino, bamboo and nylon) from Chamelion Color Works. I can’t wait to try the pink and yellow dyed silk “ bells” to spin. These are made from silk cocoons and stretched into a bell shaped layer.

Thanksgiving Holidays.

I have a lot to be thankful. One of them are my family. We met at by brother’s house this year to celebrate Thanksgiving, my Dad’s 83rd birthday and my parent’s “60th wedding anniversary. My husband managed to come with us, but needed to be heavily medicated for his comfort. It was a nice time. My son sang a song, my brother and sister-in-law sang a duet. Unfortunately, my camera stopped and ran out of memory before the first song ended. We shared cake and took a family picture. All of my family were there, except W, who was too sleepy to participate.

A Special Day with Granddaughter.

I love being a grandmother. I had a chance to spend a special day with my granddaughter just before Thanksgiving. We went shopping and bought some toys. We played an Elefun game catching butterflies. For a 3 yr old, she has great eye hand coordination. We went to McDonalds for a happymeal, and played on the playland. Then we went to the park with my youngest son, S, and had a great time. To my personal list on 100 beautiful Things about this world, I added #40 Grandchildren: They are so full of curiosity and joy. I wish I can bottle it up in a jar and keep it forever. I really needed this emotionally. Thank you, God, for such a gift.

Mongolian Knitting

2009-11-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

I’ve been knitting like a mad woman. Why? I’ve been following a blog of one of my former high school friend’s, son and daughter-in-law, “A Couple of Sojourners”. They are Peace Corps Volunteers assigned to Mongolia. Their cold winter get as low as –50 below. They have been assigned a very modest house and warm it with coal, but surviving the cold is quite an ordeal. Can you imagine young people from sunny California, having to experience this? Talk about culture shock! Therefore, what better use of my yarn, but to knit them up “ wooley warmy” things for their survival. If they can’t use the items, I’m sure they can find someone there in Mongolia who can. It’s my own little “Dulaan Project”.

I have no idea how long their winter is, but I feel the pressure of getting it done soon, before it gets too cold to deliver mail. Can that happen? I have been imagining that perhaps its like Antartica, where if you don’t get your supplies shipped early, you won’t be able to get them through. The blog indicated that some mail has been affected by the H1N1 situation, possibly limited contact with a lot of people and shutting down services. However, I am encouraged that they are still receiving some care packages from their families.

I have been knitting some Helmet warmers. I finished one from the handspun yarn I made from the Cormo-Romney fleece I purchased at Black Sheep Gathering this summer. It came out nice but a little big. I am making another one with some handspun grey Merino/Alpaca.

I’m also knitting up a rug, using my Red Heart acrylic yarn. What a great stash buster! I am knitting it with Size 35 needles. These are gigantic needles. Brenda Dane from “Cast On” podcast inspired me from her Knitting in Trafalgar Square with the same kind of needles. It is really using up the yarn fast, but handling these needles make my hands hurt after and hour so I switch to other knitting to give a break and go back when I can.

I am also planning on packing some knitting wool and needles with a How to Knit Book included. Perhaps when our Mongolian volunteers are confined to the inside, they might have some time to learn to knit. One never knows how experiencing the hardship of “cold”, may motivate a person to be resourceful and make something that is warm: perhaps a scarf or hat?

Thinking about someone else’s situation is very therapeutic for me. It keeps me from being depressed about my own situation with W’s cancer. His emotional reserves are practically non-existent and I believe it is starting to affect me, as well. Work is also my salvation as it provides some respite in terms of distraction from home. Work never seems to slow down. I just don’t have much time to think until I get home. Thinking too far ahead is too overwhelming right now. The holidays are coming, and I am trying to sort out how to enjoy them this year. It’s getting harder to find that “joy” one needs in a life.

Finish--itis

2009-10-31T01:02:00.000-07:00

Finish-itis, (Please excuse the hypen. It looks better this way)

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I just haven’t had much time to collect my thoughts. Stress has overwhelmed me the last two months. The job: breaking in and adjusting to a new boss, trying to meet the demands of starting school, preparing for a pandemic and disaster planning, training new office staff has been stressful. All this in addition to trying to cope with W. not responding to his latest treatment, unable to function more than moving from the recliner where he sleeps all day to the bed, where he sleeps more, having to do all the housework, his and mine is exhausting. The only thing that keeps me sane is my knitting.

I have finished a saddle sweater for my 22 yr old son, a knit skirt for me and miscellaneous items. The knitting is complete. It just the finishing….the weaving of seams, the blocking, etc. that needs to be done.

I don’t know why this is so difficult for me….to finish or not to finish. That is the question! This seems like such a easy task but I struggle to get motivated to do it!

I am on a sweater knitting jag right now. Having finished the Elizabeth Zimmerman Yoke sweater and the Elizabeth Zimmerman Saddle sweater, I am now making a Elizabeth Zimmerman Cardigan in the round with steeks. I plan to steek the opening and knit a border when I am done. This is slow-going but the color (red) keeps me knitting on. I love red. I’m tired of knitting with drab greys. I need some color in my dreary life.

Life has been a little lonely lately. W. has not felt good enough with his lymphoma to do much, other than an occasional outing to dinner or fast food. I am feeling the struggle of deciding to either find a part-time job that is less demanding or quit or retire, so I can take care of my husband and manage all the paperwork associated with his cancer treatment.

I’m not sure we can afford my loss of income just yet. Slowly but surely, we are reducing our debts and I will feel better about a change when that happens. It is very hard to think about changing a job I’ve been at for 20 years, two blocks from my home. However, I am feeling that he needs me more at home and my desire for my job is waning. I have been told I am good at what I do, but my focus is just too distracted by his needs. Rather than be a nurse for the 250 children in my care, I will be a nurse for one. It’s not really changing jobs. It’s only relocating. I am only one year away from early retirement but I got a late start of saving for retirement, so the income won’t be much. Yet, I have never been a high maintenance woman. We just need enough to live a modest life and take care of the bills.

So why am I afraid of finishitis? What is it that keeps me hanging on?

UPDATED 11/11/09

My finishitis is cured! I finished the Saddle Sweater and Bell Curve Skirt. See pictures below .

Zimmerman Yoke Sweater

2009-09-13T18:02:00.001-07:00

My Elizabeth Zimmerman Yoke Sweater is done! The Fair Isle Pattern came out great! After completing both the big and small patterns after doing the 2nd decrease, I tried it on. The 2nd small motif made it too long in the neck. I decided to rip it back and just do a three row motif before the final decrease. All I have to do is the neck short rows and ribbing and sew up the armholes. It is so satisfying to finish a sweater.

The next sweater I do for myself will be one in dk or sport yarn. This sweater fits great but it will be too warm to wear in California, except on the coldest days, which do not have a very long season.

I’ve been thinking of the next sweater I want to do. I haven’t done a saddle sweater yet. I’ve been looking over Elizabeth Zimmerman’s way and Barbara Walker’s way of doing the Saddle Sweater. Elizabeth in from bottom up and Barbara’s from top down. Both seem a little complicated. I wish there were more pictures describing the process.

Skills and Steadiness

2009-08-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at midnight, pondering the end of what little of summer vacation I had, I think about how life has been the last eight months for me . I seem to confront life experiences with calm, quiet expectations and try to see the big picture around me. God never promised us a life of luxury. For many, the years living in prosperity, with throw away income, life has become quite a shocking change to their lifestyle. For others, who have lived modestly, it is a time to recover their resourcefulness and prioritize what is important.

Having parents who grew up in poverty in the Depression years, has given me a sense of being able to live without many things. It has also given me an appreciation of getting the most out of things and not wasting anything. I truly appreciate how hard my parents worked to save for the future. Their lessons come in very handy now as the economy seems to be heading in the same direction of Depression the 1930’s community experienced.

I think about how my grandmothers taught me a basic skill of crocheting that lead to learning how to knit, spin, sew and do other needlecrafts. I know they used this skill to make garments for their children, as they had no extra income to buy clothes in the Depression. As sharecroppers, they frequently owed money to their landowners and through their resourceful skills of crocheting and sewing could sell or repair garments for others for a few cents to feed their children. My, how different life is now!. Yet, I wonder if we will be in the same situation and have to do the same.

I feel so fortunate and blessed to have some skills. I bless my grandmothers’ for sharing their skills with me. My needlecraft skills and skills in homemaking have given me much pleasure and reassurance that I do not have to be helpless. It has given me an appreciation of the natural beauty this world contains and a satisfaction that I can create some beauty from the raw materials and animals of our God-created world. It makes me happy and gives me joy. I imagine God smiling on his daughter with pride thinking how much he likes watching me create beautiful things from what he created.

Like a loving Father, he oversees his children. Like a faithful child, I have learned to trust and obey Him. He always provides what I need. He keeps me from being overwhelmed beyond what I can handle. I am feeling this now with my husband’s cancer. I’m sure the road will have its ups and downs but I can count of God to be there, carrying me in His arms when I am unable to handle anymore. Many have said how much they admire my calm steadiness as I go through this situation. I don’t think I would be of any usefulness if I panicked. I just give it in God’s hands. He carries it for me.
God is Good.

Spinning Hope & Coming Home

2009-08-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

My husband is coming home today from Hospitalization #5 this year. He started a new treatment called photopheresis, which I can only described as a sort of dialysis with UV light. It is aimed to kill the cancer cells in the blood and return it back to his body. He is feeling better in general but he is looking forward to coming home. A week and a half in the hospital is a little too much.

With much time on my hands watching him recuperate, I have been able to work on my Elizabeth Zimmerman Yoke sweater. I am now putting together the sleeves and body and working toward the yoke where I will be doing a Fair Isle pattern close to the neck. I am planning to use some of my Handspun yarn for the color. I really need to find ways to use this yarn, as it seems to be accumulating quite fast.

When I tire and get bored with the sweater, I have been making some toe up socks with a rainbow colored Trekking XX sock yarn. I am using a pattern in the new August issue of Cast On, a Knitting Magazine. This issue is amazing, with lots of instruction and wonderful patterns. I was so impressed by this issue, I drafted a comment for the editor…..

Dear Editor of Cast On,

I don’t often send comments about knitting magazines, as many only seem to be fashion shows of designs made for the fashion model types.. However, your new August-October issue of Cast-On is something to behold from cover to cover.

I love everything about this issue. The sock lessons and designs, and the variety of techniques described in easy to understand detail, are so great. I want to knit all of the sock patterns listed. I’m usually not a sock knitter, but this issue has definitely motivated me to pick up the Size 2’s again and find a beautiful yarn to create the wonderful sock patterns in Cast-On. I love how you included additional patterns to extend the learning techniques of the socks. I absolutely love the Christmas stocking and the left-over mitten patterns, reminding us it is never too early to get a head start on Christmas knitting.

I like very much the focus on “instruction” in this issue. After all, TKGA, is an organization that promotes the education of knitting. I think you have hit a winning strategy in this issue, with something to teach everyone. It is likely to become a favorite knitting resource, one that knitters come back to time again.. Congratulations on a well designed issue. Keep them coming.

Happy Knitting!

Diana Hilton
Duarte, CA

In spinning I have been working on the Corriedale fleece I purchased at Black Sheep Gathering in July. The fleece is beautifully clean and fluffy. I has a little lanolin ( a greasy feel) to it, so I washed it with one soak with Dawn dishwashing liquid and rinsed it once. I pulled off locks and lined them up side by side in laudry bags. I also tried to use tulle netting closed with safety pin and this worked well too. Normally, I have to soak it 2-3 times to get all the dirt out. However, with so little dirt, once was enough. I soaked the locks and used a ShamWOW or towel to absorb the water, and laid them out to air dry.

When dried, they looked like this……

Once spun into a single ply yarn it looked this on the bobbin. See how white and clean it looked.

It was so easy to spin.
It made a lovely two-ply yarn…
I still haven’t dyed my newly spun Corriedale. I keep thinking I should accumulate enough yarn for a sweater, but I’m not sure I have enough. A four-ounce bobbin only gets me about 70-80 yard skeins per bobbin. One adult sweater takes from 1000 to 1500 yds. I have perhaps enough for a child’s sweater, but I fear making a wool sweater and giving it to someone who will not take the time to wash it properly, will resulting in a felted shrunken mess when naively washing in warm water with agitation. The thought is just horrifying to the long hard work I will put in it. It is better to make it for someone who know how to care for wool.

Spinning for Comfort

2009-07-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

July 26, 2006

I was hoping to include a picture with this but days are passing by and this entry is getting old so I am just going to post it without.....

It has been very interesting listening to podcasts talking about the Tour de Fleece projects. Tour de Fleece is a July campaign where spinners challenge themselves in spinning something, just as the “Tour de France” bikers challenge themselves in a grueling bike ride. Although I have not officially joined, I have been attempting to finish spinning the White alpaca fleece I bought 1 ½ years ago. It about time I do something with it, although I have yet to decide what. It has been lovely spinning this very soft beautiful fiber into singles. I know it will have to be transformed into something next to skin so that the wearer can feel the soft warmness of the garment. I would like to dye it as well to set off its loveliness in a beautiful color, perhaps a pink or light blue or lavender.

Spinning is such a comfort to me. I haven’t had much time to myself lately as I am working when I can, and taking care of my husband, who has cancer. He has his good days and bad days. Two courses of chemotherapy have just held the disease at bay but have not relieved the annoying symptoms. We will be exploring the possibility of a Bone Marrow Transplant at the City of Hope. It has been an intellectual, emotional, and physical challenge trying to maintain a household by myself and navigate through the health care system, communicating with multiple specialists, lab tests, and exams. It can be very exhausting. Having to experience it first hand has enlightened me to the fact that Healthcare System is definitely in need of an overhaul. Thank you President Obama, for trying. A decade or two ago, it was never so complicated. One doctor would help you navigate through the system. This is no longer the case. A person is on their own to figure it out: the insurance, the rules, the rising co-pays, the communication between doctors and specialists,…..the patient. I cannot imagine how the regular lay person can do it without educating themselves. I feel blessed that my nursing background has given me an edge in figuring all this out. I can easily see how someone would get so overwhelmed and give up. At the end of the day, spinning helps me sort out my thoughts and gives me a sense of accomplishment that I made something out of practically nothing.

The alpaca fleece is so fine (thin), I have flick carded it before spinning. This is such a great technique where you use a dog flicker to comb a washed lock of fleece. I always put a paper towel on my lap when I do this to catch the remaining dirt and debris. This fluffs the lock beautifully so that it spins easily and smoothly with the minimum of lumps. I flick a plastic box full of fiber ready to spin and this helps to break up the monotony of spinning.

Eugene Saturday Market Fair Drummers

2009-06-28T08:07:00.001-07:00

Saturday Market Fair Drummers
Originally uploaded by DianaH1

These are just some of the performers that entertained us while at the Eugene Market Fair.

For more info about Eugene and The Black Sheep Gathering, See below.

Black Sheep Gathering 2009

2009-06-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

My husband and I took our first trip to Eugene, Oregon, to attend the Black Sheep Gathering. W. has been working hard toward getting strong enough go the trip. He has needed a trip to lift his spirits from dealing with his Cutaneous T-cell Lymphoma. The 15-hour drive from So. California was a long one but a beautiful one. The scenery was wonderful, especially as we hit Mt. Shasta in all its glory. The greenery didn’t stop as we headed to Eugene.

We stayed in the Broadway Inn, which was located blocks away from Downtown, the University of Oregon, and a short 5-minute drive to the Fairgrounds where Black Sheep Gathering, the Yearly Wool/Sheep Festival was held.

Eugene: Since this was our first time in Oregon, we studied the unique blend of people and atmosphere. We found this city very similar to Santa Barbara in California. It seemed like an informal College town made up of artisans and Hippies strolling about enjoying life as it comes to them. This is a bicycle town and the city has accommodated bicyclists with special lanes for them. Everyone seems to wear sandals, even in the cool weather, which I understand is the fashion trend in Eugene. Streets are narrow in places, lined with trees, which gives it a New England feel. One needs to take care driving in downtown as many are one-way streets and getting around can be confusing. We were glad to have a street map to guide us.

The Sheep at BSG: I was very impressed with the variety of sheep and goats….Shetlands, Romney, Corredales, Merino, Blue Faced Leicester, Jacob, Wesleydales, Teeswater Romadale, CVM, Baby Dolls, Angora Goats and many more. Did you guess there were so many breeds? I have never seen such an assortment in one place before. There were three barns full of animals. I was disappointed there were no Alpacas this year.

The Trade Show: There were so many vendors. Three barns were not enough and some vendors had a spot outside. It was a joy perusing the delectible yarns, fibers and other wonderful items. The colors were amazing but I refrained from purchasing color because I plan to do some dyeing of my own when I return home. I purchased the following:
-Two 8 oz bundles of Mystery Roving in Natural Shades of Browns & blacks from ---Fantasy Fibers. I could not pass up this bargain at $6 a bundle for 8 oz of roving.
-8 oz of White Merino Roving -A Cotton Spinning Kit with assorted cotton roving/raw fibers to experiment with from Woodland Woolworks. This also came with a Takhli supported spindle.
I really wanted to save my money for a fleece or two at the wool show.
But who can leave the BSG without a souvenir T-shirt. Mine was blue.

Events: Sheep to Shawl: There were four groups. Each group had their choice of the fibers and colors to make a shawl. From the wool fiber they carded, spun yarn and weaved it into a shawl in a few hours. Some groups were friendlier than others. It is unfortunate, they were cornered in an area where people had difficulty going to see them. I guess I am spoiled by the Lambstown Festival’s Sheep to Shawl where the guilds participating are interested in educating people on what they are doing. At Lambstown, people are allowed to ask questions without a barrier between them and the participants. The winning shawl by the Silverado Spinners was very lovely and this experienced group seems to have it most together and focused in their efforts.

The Fiber Arts show: The winning item Best in Show was a beautiful knitted lace shawl, well deserved. There was a felted vest with an underwater scene that was also very interesting.

Workshops: I didn’t attend any workshops but there were a few demonstrations at one end of the Trade show.

The Spinning Circle: On Saturday, many came to knit or spin. It grew in number as the day went on. I would have liked to join but I was afraid I would be late to the Wool fleece sale.

Wool Sale: Although Saturday was the official day of the sale of fleeces that were in competition, there were some very nice fleeces that were for sale and not in competition. I purchased a very nice black Romney/Cormo. A half hour before the Official wool sale on Saturday, they let people in to see the fleeces. There were over 100 fleeces to view. I jotted down a few that I wanted, just in case my first choice was snatched before I got there. They cleared the hall and everyone queued up with a warning of “No fighting, no running” or you will have to go to the end of the line. Actually, it was very civilized, but I wasted no time and headed straight for my first choice, grabbed it and headed for the finish line (the cash register). My prize was a beautifully clean white Corridale fleece with a 5” staple, which is big enough to make about three sweaters worth of yarn.

Food Opportunities: There was only one food vendor on site, which was disappointing but fortunately, we were able to come and go to nearby places. Some of notable mention was The Mission, a Mexican restaurant on Broadway St., and Cornucopia, which was a few blocks from the Fairgrounds. Both had excellent food. There was another place called Dickie Joe’s Diner, on 13th Street. It served Dogs and Burgers and Shakes to die for.

Farmer’s Market: This is a must see in Eugene on Saturday, the Farmer’s Market at 8th and Oak. This is a colorful arts and craft fair at the four corners of the street. There are a variety of musicians playing bluegrass, drumming and meditation music made horns and instruments one would think were homemade.The main theme seemed to be rainbow tie-dyed crafts and hippy style vendors in sandals. I was taken back to the 60s, where flower children roamed the streets, living off their crafts and talents going from place to place wearing backpacks, pushing peace signs in your face.

Husband: I’m glad I had this opportunity to visit Black Sheep Gathering with my husband. For the most part, he did well despite his condition. We consider this time a gift from God and from those who love us, who gifted us generously and prayed for us to enable this trip to happen. We are so humbled and grateful for the painfree moments W. had. Only on the last day of our trip did he feel so uncomfortable, he needed some medication for relief. Although, he seemed to relapse somewhat, it was nice and a blessing to capture an additional memory with him.

Fighting Depression

2009-05-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Although knitting has been my salvation as my husband and I go through the ups and down of his illness, his emotional reserves are beginning to wear thin. With three hospitalizations since February and the interruptions these events have caused in postponing some of his chemo treatments, there hasn’t been the expected remission. Doctors are considering a different kind of chemo. W’s battles fatigue daily and he is starting to have pain in his legs when standing, which leads him to be even more sedentary and weak.

The other day I mentioned that there is a wool festival in Oregon called Black Sheep Gathering in June and asked if he wanted to go. He said yes! That very night he wanted to go for a walk to build up his strength to attend the festival. We have one full month to work on planning it. My boss has approved some time off for me so we can attend. We are both excited to be going. Of course, I am hoping his new chemo won’t interfere with this weekend trip. We are praying we can work around it and have plans in place so we can go.

On the knitting sphere, I finished the baby sweater to go with the socks I made with Bernat “Sox” yarn. It was a simple dropped sleeve stockinette cardigan with a shawl collar. I am blocking it so I can put it together. I love the color. I am hoping it can be worn by a boy or girl.

Having made this sweater, I am getting an itch to start another sweater. I have always admired Elizabeth Zimmerman’s patterns. I would like to try the Yoke Sweater from the Knitting Workshop. It looks simple enough. The problem is finding the perfect yarn that will not break the bank. I bought some Caron pound yarn to explore using it for a sweater, but I think this yarn is more appropriate for a blanket than a sweater. I am also considering using the skeins of Cascade Ecological Wool I have. I have some time to explore options of colors for the yoke as the body and sleeves are knitted up first. By the time I finish with these parts, I will have picked a pattern or chart for the yoke and either found some colored yarn in my stash or dyed it to the colors I want.

Warmer weather also leads to thoughts of spinning and cleaning fiber. I started to sort though my fiber stash today and have carded some batts of Coopworth for spinning. After all, if we go to Black Sheep Gathering, I would like to purchase a fleece if I find a good one at a reasonable price. I am going to try to spin a worsted weight yarn. I am trying to choose a color to dye it. Perhaps I will spin it with a ply of alpaca so it would be softer. I also received my order of Mill end rovings from Sheep Shed. I've been spinning up a lovely blue roving into a dk to worsted wt yarn. It is really lovely. So many choices and there is so little time.

Reflections on Life

2009-04-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

My Spring Break is over, although it wasn’t much of a break since my husband was in the hospital. I spent six hour days every day attending to him. Being a nurse has its benefits. I haven’t done hospital nursing in awhile but the skills came back quickly. I feel blessed that I had this time with my husband. It helped to draw us closer than ever. He was a very good patient.

I’m glad I had this time to also reflect on our financial situation. I trust God implicitly and know he will provide. He always has. It has been a bit of a challenge navigating through the paperwork of applying for disability and budgeting so that all the bills can be covered. Nevertheless, I feel God will provide me with a measure of wisdom to do this. If nothing else, this certainly is a opportunity for setting priorities and maintaining what we have.

On the fiber front, I have tried to return to spinning. I continue to spin with Alpaca although the weather is turning warm with 100 degree heat today, so I am considering exploring dyeing this weekend instead. I’m afraid I fell off the fiber wagon and ordered some superwash roving from Sheep Shed studios. This will be great for dyeing too. If things get tough financially, perhaps I can sell some fiber/knit/crochet creations. Although, I hate selling in general. Salespeople have a special gift and this is not one I’ve been given. I would rather give things away than sell them.

This weekend, we has some very old friends from my high school days come to visit us. They were amazed at my spinning wheel. Although some were allergic to wool, they touched and petted the alpaca I was spinning. It is hypo allergenic. I have read that there is some debate whether a wool allergy is a true allergy. When I asked my allergist about wool allergy, he said that there isn’t a true wool allergy. I’ve heard this echoed from other medical professionals. Yet, when you ask those with the allergies, they describe symptoms that one would only surmise to guess are symptoms of an allergic reaction. There needs to be more research about wool allergies. I have not been able to find any recent studies on this topic.

Warming the Heart

2009-04-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

Written 4/12/09

I finished knitting Walter’s sweater. I’ve been blocking the pieces so I can sew it up and put on neckband.It came out quite nice and with using Bulky weight Bernat Alpaka yarn it finished up fast.
My husband has been in the hospital lately, with a heart condition, and this has caused me to be in a knitting frenzy as the moment. With his particular kind of cancer, he is very sensitive to cold, being that his outer skin layer wants to dry out and flake off……..constantly. We don’t really appreciate what our skin does for us until we loose it. It provides our bodies with an insulating layer. When it is thin and exposed, air causes our skin to dry, feeling the cold weather or air more. This triggers a “shivering” response from the brain which sends the message to the body to get moving the muscles to warm it up. Well you get the idea. The heart also gets going faster, sometimes so fast, that it was quite worrisome to some of the nurses, in my husband’s case. So I have been knitting up leg warmers and arm warmers. I have a few skeins of a Valley Yarns Berkshire Bulky. It’s just a K2 P2 in the round pattern but I am hoping to just slip these on W whenever he starts to shiver.

As a temporary measure, until I can get these knitted up. I’ve finshed my Woodland Shawl. It is a lovely green in a leaf pattern made with Lisa Souza Alpaka/Wool lace weight yarn. It is so soft and warm, I just wrap it around any cold part and it warms up nicely. A little too feminine perhaps but when you’re cold and uncomfortable, you will do anything to get warm.

Another quick project I started to break up the monotony is the Ball Band Washcloth from Mason Dixon Knitting. I have always wanted to try this pattern. This is an amazing pattern. It reminds me of a brick wall. It is inspiring me to make other things with this pattern, i.e. flower pots, tissue paper covers, baskets, etc. I have alot of acrylic to use up.

Stress Survival

2009-03-26T17:39:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile since I have blogged. We have had a lot to deal with lately. After the 3rd Chemo treatment for my husband’s T-cell lymphoma, his immune system let us down, when he suddenly came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized for a week. He is home now recovering, however, regaining his strength has been slow and it looks like he will go on medical leave until the chemo is done and his strength comes back or remission happens. Soo…we are planning to tighten our belts and be frugal.

Frugality has me going through thrift shops, hunting for old sweaters to frog and trying to knit from my stash. I never was a big spender, when it comes to yarn. Michaels, Walmart and JoAnn’s suit me fine. If I need a better fiber like wool, I will make it myself, as I still have several fleeces to knit from. I love being self-sustaining. Raising three kids on one income so I could be home with them when they were young, gave me good skills in frugality. Some lessons learned never leave you. I also grew up in a home where my parents always saved money and were frugal as well.

One of the side effects of my husband’s disease is that his skin seems to be flaking off constantly, leaving him very sensitive to cold. So just when I thought it was too late to knit a warm sweater in March in California, an opportunity presents itself. I started a soft sweater for him. Initially, it was to be a vest, but he says he wants his arms covered too. I found this soft Bernat Alpaca Yarn, which is 70% Acrylic and 30% alpaca. When I saw it and touched it, I could not resist. It will be very comfy on his delicate skin and be very warm with the alpaca fiber in it. The sweater pattern is just a plain stockinette sweater. The pattern is from Ann Budd’s “The Knitter’s Handy Book of Patterns”. This very versatile book has patterns for socks, gloves, vests, hats, tams, sweaters and cardigans in all sizes and gauges. This is a gem of a book. Everyone should have this is their library.

I also am making a hat for him out of the same yarn. However, I’m not sure he will wear a hat. Spring and warmer weather are coming and he may not need one.
I must say my knitting has been very comforting to me. The stress from work this time of year, my husband’s health, and additional home responsibilities have been tremendous. I have developed a tick in my left eyelid from the stress. Knitting has helped me to relax and maintain my sanity and health. With my husband being so prone to infections, I cannot afford to get sick now. I listen to knitting podcasts for entertainment and company when I am waiting in doctor’s offices or hospital rooms. I’ve even discovered a knitting TV show to watch. I think it’s called “Knitting and Crochet for Today”. God is Good!

Winter thoughts and knitting

2009-02-21T08:53:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been spent trying to cope with my husband’s diagnosis and the news of the need for IV chemotherapy rather than a less invasive kind of treatment, which means that his present condition is much more serious than previously thought. I am grateful for the generous outpouring of love and emotional support offered from friends and family. Words cannot express how much this has held me up and encouraged me to forge ahead with whatever is to come.

My knitting has kept me company and calm while waiting with my husband for doctor’s visits and CT scans. I finished the Fibonacci moebius. We have had a spell of rainy, cooler weather and this has been very nice to wear. It is made with a wool/acrylic blend called Amity. It reminds me of a scarf worn by Hungarian ladies in winter or something you would see in Dr. Zhivago.
With the colder weather, I was inspired to pull out the UFO Woodland shawl. I love this leaf lace pattern. It is made with some Baby Alpaca/silk from Liza Sousa , which is very soft and lusciously warm. As my shawl grew longer and longer, I found myself wrapping it around my neck and shoulders as I knitted. I was about to run out of yarn when I realized the last 12 rows had a different pattern. I will need to rip it back a little so that I can have enough yarn to finish it. I had only purchased one skein but it was over 700 yds of fingering wt. I think this was my most extravagant purchase at $44 a skein, but it certainly was and is worth it. It is so wonderful to knit with and will be absolutely sumptuous to wear.

Since I am trying to stay with my New Years resolution of finishing a UFO before I started new project, I turned back to the Hey Teach sweater. This yarn is a yellow cotton. The lace pattern is very easy. I’ve almost finished the back of the sweater and will soon start the front sides. It is actually a cardigan and will be nice to wear with the warmer weather. I am wanting to knit some more hats. I have a friend who just recently under went some brain surgery and will be needing a hat. I need to start doing something with my handspun yarn and I think hats are a good way to use it up. Hats are quick projects and with the weather as it is, hats are always needed somewhere. My husband will be starting his chemo on Monday. I have no idea if he will lose his hair, what little there is, but as he has been very sensitive to cold lately, a hat will be something to help him stay warm.

For Better or Worse: Lymphoma

2009-01-24T17:44:00.000-08:00

I have tried to start this several times and I’m still struggling with how to write about what’s happening to our family. There is just no easy way to put it….My husband has been diagnosed with Cutaneous T-cell lymphoma, a blood/skin cancer. What started as red, dry skin turned out to be cancer. Never in a million years did I imagine that this would end up to be cancer.

My years of being a nurse has trained me to be calm and not panic but there are moments that my mind succumbs to the many possibilities. I try not to get ahead of myself, but I’ve always been a person who considers the road ahead. Only this time, it is very fuzzy and this is a bit unsettling. I feel that this is a situation where I have no choice but to let God take over. I have to surrender to His Will. This is something that can be so overwhelming, only He can calm my heart and give me and my husband the strength to get through it. Experience has shown me how God can give me strength of mind and spirit when I need it most, and I have no doubt He will do just that in this situation.

As I slowly inform family and friends of the diagnosis, it is so hard to know how best to respond to their messages of sympathy and support. On one side it is nice to know that so many care, and on the other it seems I end up comforting them rather than they comforting me. Is this the nurse in me? I know they are afraid for me and my husband. There are times, I am afraid for myself.

I still haven’t heard from many and even this I understand because I have fallen into this uncomfortable situation myself. When one hears the bad news of someone having “cancer”, it is just very difficult to know what to say, so you say nothing. You want to say something that will comfort and reassure but there are so many unknowns you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Along the way, you eventually get up enough courage to say something to show you care.

While my husband continues to undergo tests to determine the extent of his disease and the course of treatment needed, I imagine that this will be a long road towards remission. With the advances in health care, better treatments are giving better outcomes and I am hopeful.

Life goes on and even as I grow older, I am learning to appreciate everyday the beauty in this world, the special moments I share with him, and the togetherness we have held these 32+ years. My parents will be celebrating 60 years of marriage this year. They are wonderful examples of love, sacrifice, long-suffering, and commitment The glue of love is strong in our families.

CD Coaster Pattern and Finished Project

2009-01-19T13:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve finished the Babies & Bears Sweater for my Grandson. It came out very cute but I’m not sure I would do it again. It was a bit complicated and it is not perfect. I added some yellow fishy buttons to finish it. I am somewhat pleased with the end result…….
Over the month, I have felt in need of more social interactions from fellow knitters. My full time job makes it difficult to join most knitting groups which are held during the week. Although the online community is great, it is not the same as communicating face to face with people. I found a new yarn shop about three weeks ago in a nearby town of Azusa, CA named “All About Yarn”. It is run by Veronika and Pillar. It is a tiny shop but the shop owners make the shop a warm intimate place open to the community crocheters and knitters. On the third Sunday afternoon of each month, from 3 to 6 pm. they have a knitting group open to anyone to come and just knit and chat. I went for the first time and found the group very friendly. Most of the knitters were beginners but the conversation was very comfortable sharing about family, children, grandchildren and schools, which many of us work for in some capacity or other. There was a group of about 6 or 7 of us.

I took my Milly Mop sweater to work on. I wanted to bring something that did not need much concentration to be able to join in conversation. The sleeves are finished. I am knitting on the back part of the sweater. I plan to dye the plain natural white fingering yarn once I complete the sweater. However, knitting stockinette for two hours without a break, was a little too much for me. When my forearms began to tire and ache, I had to stop and this gave me an excuse to browse around the store to see what kinds of yarn they had. There was an assortment of Acrylic worsted yarns for very reasonable prices ranging from $4 to $10 a skein. This was very appropriate for the community this shop is in which is in a residential area of medium to low income families. They had some Debbie Bliss yarns and Opal Sock Yarn, which of course, was more of the higher end in cost. I think a saw a few skeins of Noro, as well. I finally chose a couple of varigated skeins of Ella Rae Amity, an acylic/wool blend, that was soft and I thought would make a nice scarf.

Since I finished a project, I had a need to start a new one. I’ve been in need of some coasters, so I found my CD coaster pattern I redesigned based on a pattern I found online by Doris Carolyn Murphy that is no longer available online. This coaster is a nice gift and I see my family and friends still using them after many years. They absorb the condensation of iced drinks and protect tables from water rings and scratches.

Diana’s CD coaster pattern

Re-designed by Diana Hilton

Size G crochet hook
Red Heart Super saver worsted yarn or any worsted weight yarn.
A Compact Disk or DVD (5 in. diameter)

Chain(ch) 6. Join with a slip stitch(sl st) to form a ring.

Round 1: Ch 3. This will count as 1st dc (double crochet). 1 dc in next ch, 2 dc in each chain st (12 dc). Join with a sl st at the top of the ch 3.

Round 2: Ch 3 to count as first dc, dc in same st as joining in the previous row, 2 dc in each of the remaining 11 sts. Join with sl st (24 dc).

Round 3: Ch 3 to count as first dc;* 2dc in next dc; 1 dc in next dc*. Repeat between * * 10 times, ending with 2 dc in last st. Join with a sl st at the top of the ch 3.(36 dc)

Round 4: Ch 3 to count as first dc; 1 dc in the next dc; *2dc in next st; 1 dc in next two sts *; repeat * * 10 times, ending with 2dc in next st, 1 dc in last st.. Join with a sl st at the top of the ch 3. (48 st)

Round 5: Ch 3; dc in each st around. Join with sl st. (48 sts). This is the edge row.

Round 6: (Decrease row). Ch 3; Dc dec in next st as follow: *YO, insert hook in st and draw loop, YO, draw loop through two loops (there should be 2 loops left on needle), YO, insert hook in next st and draw loop, YO, draw through two loops, YO, draw through three loops( dc dec) ; 1dc in next two sts*. Repeat between ** 10 more times. Join with sl st.

Round 7: Insert CD into coaster now. Continue in row in Ch 3 ; *dc dec in next two sts; dc in next st * repeat between* * around to end. Join with sl st.

Round 8: Closing off coaster opening, ch 3; dc dec in next two sts around. Join with sl st and end off. Weave in tail.

Abreviations:
Ch: chain st (yarn over and through loop on needle)
Dc: double crochet (yarn over insert hook in stitch, yarn over, through 2 loops, yarn over, through two loops).
Dc dec: double crochet decrease (see instructions above).
Sl st: slip stitch (insert hook, yo and bring through both loops)

Coming Up for Air!

2009-01-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note: No, I haven’t fallen off the earth. The glow of the holidays are gone. Work has been very involving, preparing for State reviews, from two State groups at one time, a refunding grant to turn in, and a presentation on Heart Health to prepare for staff development. I am finally coming up for air.

To help me with my stress I have been knitting, of course. I switched gears while making my granddaughter’s sweater, the Milly Mop. I started with a sleeve and halfway through it a started feeling the yarn, a wool/rayon was a little too scratchy. I went through all of my stash again and found a fingering wt. Merino yarn from Knit picks in natural white. I plan to knit up the sweater and dye it a color of my choice when it is finished. I’ve finished the two sleeves and have started the back which is all in stockinette on Size 3 needles. Very tedious but perfect for relaxing and not having to think too much.

I also have been listening to podcasts. I have found a wonderful new knitting podcast name CogKniTive. Dr. Gemma is a practicing psychologist who shares a lot of insight into behavior and stories of her experiences. This is very interesting to me as I work with parents of preschool children in stressful living situations. My favorite part is when she gives us a life strategy. This is applicable to anyone. I am growing tired of the podcasts who just talk about their newest stash acquisition or what they finished knitting without talking about the struggle or technique. Dr. Gemma brings a refreshing dose of practical skills to apply in your life in interacting with people. She also talks about her stash but she relates it to behavior and analyzes the psychological component of keeping a stash. It’s worth a checkout!

New Resolutions

2009-01-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

Here I sit comtemplating the events of the past two weeks. I lament as I ponder…..is my holiday already over? How sad! I could use more days off. My company has left. The decorations are put away. I think my favorite decorations this year was my Outside angel……

I will miss its sparkle as it announces to the world in trumpet and song that Jesus was born! It looked great both in the day time and at night.
I finally have my house back and now there is no time to do the house projects I had planned during my break. I’ve started my resolutions. I have picked up an old UFO…the Babies and Bears Sweater, as well have spent some time planning a new one….the Milly Mop Sweater for my Grandaughter.

Babies and Bears Sweater: I purchased this pattern and yarn from Alamitos Bay Yarn Company last year while on a weekend trip in Long Beach. I fell in love with the sample cardigan that I thought would be perfect for my new grandchild to be born in August 08. I was impressed with the very soft Berrocco Comfort Yarn and was surprised something this soft should be acrylic. The one thing that holds me off this sweater is that it is in pieces and needs to be grafted together in Kitchener’s stitch. Kitchener’s is something I have very little patience for. However, I finally finished the 2nd sleeve side and very patiently grafted it together. I’m working on the hood now.

The sweater is very much like Elizabeth Zimmerman’s Baby Surprise Sweater with a mitered front. I may lengthen it a bit so that my grandson, now 4 1/2 months may use it a little longer. It seems very roomy but if he is anything like his sister, he will stay a good sized baby and outgrow it quickly.

Something new: Milly Mop Cardigan Sweater: I wanted to try to make my 2 year old granddaughter a sweater. Looking through my knitting books I found in The Ultimate Knitter’s Guide, a cute but fairly simple sweater with a lacy border for a toddler. I looked around in my stash and finally found some brushed wool/rayon on a cone laying about. I started a swatch but realized this yarn was laceweight about 18 wraps per inch. I needed a fingering weight. So I wound up some cakes and 2-plyed it on my spinning wheel. It came out wonderfully soft and shiny. The only thing about this single yarn was that it was originally spun in the right direction (clockwise), which means I had to ply it on the left direction(counter clockwise). This direction tends to become unspun or untwisted with my style of knitting, the Eastern Uncrossed Method. To compensate for this, I tried to overspin it slightly.This way it would untwist less as I knit the fabric and still leave some twist to keep it together.

Rather than make a swatch, I started with the sleeve.

I figured that if I didn’t like it or the gauge was not right, a small sleeve would not be too much to rip out. My gauge turned out to be 26 sts/inches rather than 28 sts/in as the pattern required, but I think this will be close enough. Even if the sweater turns out to be a little big it will OK for her…more room to grow into.

I know my logic of one old and one new does not improve my status in reducing my UFOs. It only keeps me at the status quo. I may have to consider revising my plan to two old projects and one new as working projects. Stayed tuned to my progress…….

A New Year

2009-01-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

The last day of the year…December 31, 2008. Wow! Where did it go? As the new year approaches, it gives me some pause to think about how and what I’ve done this year.

What better place to start than review the New Years Knitting Resolutions I made in January 08……uhhhhhhh, well? How I did? Or how I didn’t!

I was committed to using up my stash and reducing my UFO’s in half. From my Ravelry page, I see I finished about 17 projects. Only two of these were from my original list, one of these, was finished during the Ravelolympics. Perhaps I should commit to knit more UFO’s at the next one. I created 14 additional UFO’s over the year. Needless to say, I was inspired to knit, but not so inspired to stay on project. There were just too many new exciting things to try and learn.

Some finished objects in 2008:

UFOs to finish in 2009:

On my behalf, I can say that I really tried to knit my stash this year. I bought less yarn and tried to use it up. Hats were a great stash buster. I have a lot of one skeins or small amount of handspun that were perfect for hats or calorimetry head bands. I wonder how many hats or head bands my stash would make. Possibly hundreds. Hats were my friend in passenger car rides and while watch movies in movie theatre, yes in the dark. I didn’t mind the repetion of the stockinette on these projects.

So what will I do this year. I need to recommit. Perhaps making a goal to finish one UFO a month is more reasonable. Do I dare start anything new? Or maybe a rule that I have to finish a UFO before I start something new.

My time is becoming more scarce and valuable. Now that my granddaughter is bigger, I want to spend more time with her. The chance to take her places is something her other grandmother cannot do, but I can. I cannot knit when watching my granddaughter as she demands my full attention. I’ll have to save that knitting time for my morning and evening quiet time, when trying to wake up or wind down from the days activities.

I cannot say the year was totally wasted in regards to knitting. Successes: I finished a sampler vest within my deadline. I made a hemlock blanket. I learned how to better understand and do my SSK and K2tog in Eastern Uncrossed Style. I have received many comments how my way of knitting is easier and faster from having posted some You-tube videos of my style. I learned how to better felt a knitted project. My spinning is better controlled and consistent. I can spin a decent fingerweight yarn. So much more to learn.........

Recovery

2008-12-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing how much effort we put into preparing for Christmas when all of a sudden the day is spent. Everything is over. You collapse in a heap of fatigue and satisfaction and wonder…..it is really over?

This past month has been a flurry of shopping, decorating, cooking, and knitting feverishly to finish those last minute gifts. It was nice to have a few days off before Christmas to prepare at my leisure. The results were quite nice….

Our tree….

My table….
My mother made this beautiful flower arrangement at her class.

The stockings were hung by the chimney…..

The day was glorious, filled with people and good conversation. The weather also cooperated by holding off the rain while we went of a photo scavenger hunt around town.

The weather being cold and rainy has inspired me to make simple knitwear again. I’ve been thinking about my stash and how I can use it up. Hats have been on my needles. They are quick and can be as simple or elaborate as you want them. I trade off between the two. One is complicated and the other is simple. This gives me the quick gratification of finishing something as well as the challenge of working towards a great looking cap for someone. One of the hats I made was Coronet Hat, a simple cable hat. It turned out great except that I had to graft the ends together in kitchener stitich, which is not my favorite stitch. The hat looks great.

This is a Koolhaas hat in progress...

I’ve also acquired an obsession in making the Calorimetry head bands. I’ve wore my red one all week. I’ve given some for Christmas Presents. They knit up in about an hour, depending on whether you are using bulky or thinner yarn and needles. If using wool, they are warm and smooth back your hair without hiding it in a full hat.

As the year winds down I’m feeling the need to clear out things I don’t use. Perhaps another New Year’s resolution in the making……..

Blessings of Family

2008-12-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

There are moments in life when sudden unexpected events in life causes one to stop and reorganize priorities in life to Thank God for his blessings of Family.

Upon arriving home from work, I received a call from my son’s partner the weekend before Thanksgiving. She was taking her mother to the hospital and asked if I could help my son take care of his 3-month old son and 2-year old daughter. He had not taken care of both alone. I immediately went to their home but in the back of my mind, I was thinking whether I should cancel all the Thanksgiving plans I had made. This year, my work was given the delightful surprise of being allowed to take the full Thanksgiving week off. I had planned a full week of cooking and decorating to celebrate this Thanksgiving at my house with my family.

It was beginning to look like I would be spending my preparation days, babysitting as the other grandmother continued to be hospitalized and then convalesced at home, unable to take care of the grandchildren, which was her usual arrangement. As I contemplated how I would prepare for Thanksgiving, arriving home exhausted from 12 hr days with my active grandchildren, I started receiving calls. I was getting offers from the invitees to bring the turkey and all the fixings. My husband and son pitched in to help clean the house while I was gone. Little by little it all came together so that we all celebrated a wonderful Thanksgiving together. It really brought the true meaning of being in a “family” home to us all.

On those exhausting days, I didn’t have the energy to even pick up the knitting needles. However, I found that spinning helped me relax and think about the days activities. I loved being with my grandchildren. It brought back precious memories of raising my boys. My two oldest were about the same age difference. I remember the days of exhaustion juggling feedings, diaperings and entertaining an active two-yr-old.

As I was spinning, it gave me time to think and my thoughts wandered to how best to use my spun yarn. With so many projects started, I strayed away from starting another involved project and toward making simple Charity hats from my handspun yarn. As Christmas is near, I picked a soft red and green Romney wool yarn I dyed two summers ago. I decided to experiment with a basket stitch but gave it up when I saw how this yarn was a nice self-striping yarn. These are some of the results…..

Another hat I started was Jared Flood’s Koohaas Hat. I found a skein of handspun grey merino and decided to figure this pattern out. Lo and behold, I realized that he wrote this pattern for my style of knitting (Eastern Uncrossed), which is “through the back loop”. The single cables make it go slow, but once the pattern is established, the knitting progressed at a steady pace. I think I’ll offer it to my son, who is traveling to The White House to sing for the Holidays with his choral group. The weather will be chilly and the warm hat may help.

November spinning

2008-11-19T05:45:00.000-08:00

I’ve become a little tired of knitting lately and have taken up spinning. I’ve become somewhat frustrated with my projects. Several of them need some correction or ripping back because of mistakes discovered after the fact. Right now I just don’t have the heart to do this so they have stalled in hibernation. I am so overwhelmed brainwise with work projects that I just cannot invest another neuron’s effort to figure out how to correct them at this time.

Soo…for the mundane thoughtless work, I’ve taken up spinning. This is an activity that doesn’t take too much thinking. I’ve finished up some bumps of roving I’ve purchased. The ½ lb of Louet Ocean wave roving I purchased at Lambtown this summer is all spun. It gave me about 3 ½ skeins of sport wt 2 ply. I also spun up 3 skeins of grey merino roving I had processed about a year ago. This roving ended up with a few neps and irregularities but this is what gives a garment character. I will probably make some hats from this.

We were planning to go the Alpacafest West this weekend. This was a chance to buy some alpaca fiber or fleece and see over 100 lovely alpacas. I went last year and purchased a beautitul white alpaca fleece that I had not touched since. I decided to go through my stash to see what colors I did not have. I found a beautiful chocolate red, black, grey and of course, the white. All of this was still in the unwashed fiber stage. I was feeling rather guilty and decided I didn’t need another fleece until I did something with what I had.

We ended up not going to Alpacafest because suddenly there were wild fires in Diamond Bar and other areas that blanketed the whole San Gabriel Valley with dangerous smoke and particle matter that made it very difficult to breathe. I hope the alpacas didn’t suffer too much outside. I ended up staying inside, washing a bit of the white alpaca and spinning it up. It came out so nice and soft. I’m dreaming about dyeing it.

So now I need to wash some more alpaca. In the waiting time, for drying, I found some washed Coopworth and decided to card it into batts. I placed the carded batts into a under the bed plastic sweater container for a ready to spin source of fiber.

Next week I have the whole week of Thanksgiving off. Guess what I will be doing? Yes, besides cooking, I’ll be spinning.

Chicken and Dumplings

2008-11-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

We were able to plan an escape Halloween weekend. It was nice to be able to knit and not think of our daily troubles and circumstances. We took our son with us, who experienced Laughlin, NV for the first time. Laughlin was decorated for the holiday. We had a great time. It was just the perfect thing to refresh our batteries.
We arrived feeling somewhat like this…….

And came home feeling like this……..

Since then I’ve been spinning a lot and knitting. I’ve been making the Dumpling Bag from the Fall 2008 issue of Interweave Knit designed by Sharon Dreifuss of She-Knits podcast. This is a very easy pattern that is very quick. I cranked out three bags in three days. The hard part for me is trying to create a design to decorate it. It’s been awhile since I embroidered anything and I have just about forgot my stitches.

On the first bag, I somewhat copied from the pattern. It was lovely unfelted but I went ahead and felted it. The French knot embroidery did not come out well and I may have to needle felt them down after it dries completely.

Here is a few pictures of the bag.

Coping and More Family Loss

2008-10-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

Regardless of the turmoil in my heart surrounding my great aunt’s passing, I didn’t have much of a chance to grieve.

My brother-in law and sister-in-law were traveling to California from Missouri and they were to stay with us for the weekend. It was very nice to see them. We rarely get to see each other, since my husband refuses to travel in that direction of the country. As my brother-in-law now is retired, they now have a chance to visit family at their leisure. How lucky they are! Sigh! They were able to see all of three sons and the grandchildren too.
I think they enjoyed being here. We are a very quiet family and after visiting relatives with young children, I think they needed some quiet to rest and relax.

I was so thrilled to see my sister-in-law loves to crochet afghans. She asked my help to start a new pattern. Her afghan has inspired me to start one too. I looked through different patterns until I came across the Catherine’s wheel. It is a very intriguing pattern one can make solid or change colors in patterns anyway you want. I was intrigued and looked through my stash until I found some worsted colors that would go together perfectly. I am using a 3-ply variegated cotton and blue, grey and maroon color of Caron’s Simply Soft. I am making a twin size coverlet. So far it looks great…..take a look…..

When I get bored, I challenged myself to try to make a jester hat from an article in the Magazine “Knit It 2002”. The hat was designed by Linda Cyr called ZigZag Accessories. Of course, I tried looking it up in Ravelry first to see if anyone else had attempted it. There were very few and one made a comment that the directions were not very understandable . Her outcome was not the best.

Nevertheless, despite the warning I tried to made sense of the pattern. I doubled the worsted yarn since I didn’t have bulky in a color I liked. I restarted twice but finally did the top piece. I started the side and realized Linda left out an important part of the pattern. I even tried to look up errata from the publisher to no avail. I became so frustrated and impatient I quit. I realized that there had to be a better way to make this. Her directions called for sewing the bottom half of the diamond to the side of the hat, but I’m sure that doing this part in “intarsia “ would probably be much easier and perhaps better constructed. I gave up for now. Perhaps, I’ll come back to it when I’m feeling more experimental and patient.

I finally knit a furry hat instead with Patons Cha Cha that I had hanging around. I am being so good in trying to use my stash. I even gave some away to my sister –in-law. Isn't that great?! Now I have someone with whom I can unload my unused stash.

I guess the respite from overwhelming emotion was not to last. I just had some more bad news. My niece’s husband passed away very suddenly at age 44 from a pulmonary embolism. This indeed is tragic. He was just a good father, husband and all around good Christian person. I know the Lord has His reasons, but it is still a hard pill to swallow.

Tragic Circumstances

2008-10-21T00:54:00.000-07:00

Twenty plus days have gone by and I have not blogged. I think I’m stuck, caught up in the mundane disappointments of life trying to understand how people can treat others they don’t know with unkindness and disrespect. How quickly people make bad judgments and almost certainly(I hope), if one has a conscience, regret the actions, when one takes time to think how an evil slanderous tongue can destroy much.

I mentioned a shadow hanging over our celebration in the previous entry. My mother’s 87 yr old aunt was invited to attend the celebration. She was not at the prearranged site to bring her to our celebration. She was a widow living with another person whom she rented a room in her home. She did not return our calls, and we worried. It was unlike her to forget an engagement, especially a family celebration. Later that week, we were informed she was in the hospital in a coma, having fallen down the stairs two days before the birthday dinner. It was worse than we thought. She had broken her neck at C2 spine and had been on life support for over a week without notification, and the doctor’s were considering termination of life support.

When a family grieves, one goes through the stages of grieving: shock, blaming, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance. Things could have gone more smoothly and peacefully, but emotions cause some family to want to find blame for what happened. Many accusations, misspent anger and non-communication, failure to be objective and lack of level headedness has caused such pain all around.

I pray for peace and forgiveness all around. She was allowed to pass on Sunday, Oct 5, and we have yet to find closure in a funeral. There is to be an autopsy, although I see this as a worthless endeavor. Some are searching for the magic bullet, the piece that could validate supposed accusations of a relationship that none really understood and were not privy too.

I only see disappointment in unwise elders, who intend to think the worse of an accident they had no control over. I see the revelation and damage done from a wicked heart that is evidenced by a unrepenting slanderous tongue.

I pray for peace and forgivenss in my extended family.